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Accidentaldiva posted 4/24/2020 11:03 AM

I posted this in "Just Found Out" but I am sharing it here too in case it helps anyone else.

Dear A.P.,
Here is why you don't matter:
It's not because of your weight. My biggest hero and role model was a fat women and no, you don't get to know who she was because you don't get to know me.

It's not because you are promiscuous. Most people with an "open marriage" have ground rules. You, apparently, do not.

It's not because your writing in your e-mails is sloppy and grammatically incorrect. Some of my favorite songwriters and poets use incorrect grammar. But you are banal. My husband's communications with you were trite, predictable, and boring to anyone not reading them to discover a betrayal. They were of interest to me only in that they were proof of my H.'s actions.

Every second that my husband spent with you made him a lesser man. His entire relationship with you was based on lying to the woman he loves. (And yes, I believe that he loves me even though he is a deeply flawed person capable of profound duplicity.) I have no idea if your behavior with him made you a lesser person because I don't know you. You actively and repeatedly participated in a man's decision to become a a lesser person.

Here's another thing: You are still lying. You expect me to believe you never had sex with my husband. it did not occur to you that he might actually have enough respect for me to finally tell me the truth. You think he is still choosing to be a liar.

He has told me he regrets every moment with you because of what it has done to me but also becuase of what his choices have made him become. It's been established that my husband is a liar. Is he lying now? If so, he sure is willing to throw you under the bus to rescue his life with me.

I have come to the realization that I love a deeply flawed man. You helped him to become this worse version of himself. He is trying now to slowly repair the profound damage that he has done to me and to our family. Will it work out for us? I don't know and you don't get to know.

Because You. Don't. Matter.

Accidentaldiva posted 4/24/2020 11:05 AM

BTW, I am not sending this to the AP because I know that no contact is the best course of action. I just wanted to share these thoughts somewhere and this is a safe place.

thatbpguy posted 4/24/2020 14:24 PM

I would send it. Seriously.

tushnurse posted 4/24/2020 14:45 PM

This process can be tremendously healing. I never had any contact w/ the AP, and I really wanted to have some level of closure, discussion.

I wrote her numerous letters, some were very good, some were just angry tirades, and others bearing of my soul, and emotions. Regardless I burned them all, and as I burned each one, it was an opportunity to let go of some of those feelings. I burned a lot of stuff in that first year. I found it helpful and healing.

ktez posted 4/24/2020 18:22 PM

Great letter. But wise move not to send it. I received a letter of 'apology' from OW and ignored her. It took alot to do that but 6 yrs later I still stand by it because nothing says 'you dont matter' more than silence

somanyyears posted 4/24/2020 20:28 PM

Here's my letter to my wife's AP..

"Fuck off and die!"
.... and he DID!!

smy

bluephoenix posted 4/25/2020 10:37 AM

My WH’s AP contacted me two weeks after we married. Their affair was long over but she had serious feelings for him and decided to get even with him by telling me. She tried to victimize herself by saying he used her. I sent her a first message in effort to get some answers to what extent it went and if it was still going. I wasn't intending to respond ever again, I was going to cut her off and leave it right there hanging. Unfortunately she kept harassing me with more messages giving sexual details. When She turned relentless I sent her a second message that was so crude and to the point, she was unable to counteract. It was my closure and If I hadn't sent it she would keep attempting to harass me. She was using aliases to get messages through so blocking didn't work.

I am a believer of closure and need to take back what is mine. The way I see it is our WS’s devalued us so much to the AP that they think we are these neglectful unloving spouses that mistreated them in the first place and wont give a damn to fight for them. No, she didn't matter, but it mattered to me to get the last word and cut her self worth down by showing and reminding her she was just a whore in this scenario. A receptacle he stuck his dick in one time and decided what he had with me was way better because he dumped her right afterwards and didn't look back. I built that fortress up around he and I real quick by letting her know that our marriage and our future are not her business so leave us alone and go die in a hole somewhere.

I was more fortunate because he was long over it before I found out, so she had no choice but to disappear out of our lives for good after I shut her down.