ldedwards64 posted 5/5/2020 21:18 PM

I wanted to stay together but WS keeps talking to her. He says he loves me but I know there is NO respect. I sign a lease on a new home Friday. I have tried 14 months to stay after WS kept telling me he loves and wants me. We have been together 31 years and I'm dying inside. Any advice is appreciated.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/5/2020 21:25 PM

Hi I. My story is similar— a year of false R.

I am so glad you signed for a house— that is huge. You cannot R with a WS who will not stop their A and be a real remorseful spouse. I am so sorry. He is a classic cake eater.
You are getting out of infidelity— and that is the first step. I’d love to tell you it won’t hurt, but that would be a lie. It’s going to hurt for a while. But every day it will get a little bit better. And soon you will be able to see the improvement.

You deserve a better love. A respectful and honest love. I promise you will feel better soon.. but it takes time. And it helps when you can go NC (hard at first, but sooo helpful).

Be gentle with yourself. Are you in IC? That was critical for me. Keep posting. You are not alone. (((Hugs)))

The1stWife posted 5/6/2020 02:29 AM

You are doing the ONLY thing you can. You cannot live or accept his refusal to stop the affair.

Powerful move. You are no longer allowing yourself to be playing his game and be the victim.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/6/2020 09:03 AM

This:

You are doing the ONLY thing you can.

I too am with you in the false R club - for a year, and then another 3 months after that. I had to check out - he gave two choices: 1)look out for myself and leave him, or 2) stay with him and continue listening to his bullshit and die a slow miserable death of wonder and worry and hurt. I chose me as ultimately the other option was untenable as I was tired of feeling stuck in a life with someone who was just as likely to knife me in the back as give me a hug. Eventually, it gets old and tiring.

I too wished that we would be one of the couples on this site who seemed to get through it. I knew I could hold up my end of the R process but he couldn't/wouldn't/whatever.

I feel your pain but this too shall pass especially if you allow yourself to reach acceptance - true acceptance - and feel the pain - strangely it will begin to subside. The whole 12 step process applies to this path as much as any of the hardest things in life. I wish (as everyone on here does) that I had a magic pill to make the whole process move faster...but alas, I do not. But it happened for me anyway, as it will for you.

Okokok posted 5/6/2020 09:15 AM

Love After Love by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.