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Missing the house more than him?

Marsupial posted 5/12/2020 13:57 PM

My story is not unique, but in summary, multiple D-Days with the same OW, years of false reconciliation and I am finally done. Moving out next week.

I've varied between sobbing nonstop and feeling incredibly resolute and hopeful for the future, but here's what is making me weak. I absolutely love the house we live in, our neighborhood, our garden, the small town, everything. I spend many years here before I met him, and I fell in love with the house as much as him. The day I moved in was the happiest day of my life.

I'm going to miss my walks in the woods, the birds and critters I've fed for years, the garden I planted, the life I created here.

I wish he were the one moving out. But it's his home, he's on the lease, and I can't stay as much as it kills me to leave. I will miss my town too. All my friends live minutes away, my favorite places to eat and shop, all the people I've known for 20-plus years.

On the plus side, I'm moving to a nearby city where I used to live (and liked it), where my best friend now lives and where she helped me find an incredibly gorgeous apartment. I know that's a huge plus. I should be very grateful, and I am.

I just feel like all the heartbreak of the man I love choosing his OW over me and losing the home I love and having to pack and move...it's just one more thing to add to the pile of heartbreak and loss.

Thank you for letting me vent. I have been powering through, but I feel so weak today. My desk is at a window where I work from home. Every time I hear and see the birds or other critters, it makes me crumple into nonstop weeping.

Muggle posted 5/12/2020 16:58 PM

I just feel like all the heartbreak of the man I love choosing his OW over me and losing the home I love and having to pack and move...it's just one more thing to add to the pile of heartbreak and loss.

Never lose sight of your value. Just because he couldn't see it doesn't diminish you in any way. It will take a long, long time for you to process what's happened. You are letting go of the illusion of the man you imagined him to be.

He showed you who he really was with his actions. Take some comfort in knowing that he hasn't changed, he's not going to be happier, different, or more in love. He's an illusion, a myth like a unicorn.

Leaving allows you to heal outside the memories of those walls. Trust me when I say it will probably help you in the long run. In the short run it's a gut punch.

I was awarded our paid off house, that I live in with our kids. He confidently slid into his new life, leaving us behind like yesterday's news. I've found the initial euphoria of getting the house to be fading. It's been a constant reminder of a life that no longer exists.

I've changed nearly every damn thing in it outside of the bed I can't afford to get rid of. It's a shell that contains new furnishings, and new memories, but the previous memories are lurking in every corner.

I love this house, but in some small way it's suffocating me. I hear his voice still, see the Christmas tree, and I also remember the bad things. If it weren't for our kids I'd leave it behind. I live in a rural area, a block from a lake, surrounded by tall trees. It's peaceful here. I love the birds, deer, and the same things you describe.

Try to find something that gives you joy. A walk in a park, or a drive to an area similar to where you described. You can get back to nature in many ways, just not at the same location.

You aren't weak, you are strong. You are still taking one step at a time toward healing. You're a survivor of an extremely traumatic event. Tears will abate in time, and smiles will once again be a regular visitor to you. Give it time. Change is hard, and betrayal and the loss of our dreams is a slow climb to come back from.

(((hugs))))

learningtofeel posted 5/12/2020 21:17 PM

I FEEL you so much. I miss the house every day. I moved out because there's no way I can afford to buy him out, and when I moved it wasn't clear whether or not he'd even be in the same city after this summer. Turns out he's staying in town and plans to buy me out. It kills me because he never loved the house as much as I did (I picked it out), and home is way more important to me than it is to him, and I will never be able to buy a house in my city again on my salary, yet he will own "our" house. It's awful.

I too got a charming apartment, in a great neighborhood. And that's wonderful and I'm so grateful for it. But it's not my home, not my house, not my neighborhood.

I feel bad for my sadness given that I have so much to be thankful for, but still....

So it helps to know you're struggling with the same thing. I'm sorry that you are, and I wish we could both have the house and kick out the ex.

Marsupial posted 5/13/2020 15:25 PM

Thank you both for answering! Muggle, I am boggled at your ex's history, ugh. The depths of craziness to which these people can sink is just...astonishing. How you survived all that is a testament to you.

I do get your point about staying in the house, too:

I love this house, but in some small way it's suffocating me. I hear his voice still, see the Christmas tree, and I also remember the bad things. If it weren't for our kids I'd leave it behind.

That's interesting. I've heard that from other women, too, they say they had to "exorcise" the spirit of their former relationships in order to move forward. You are probably right.

I too got a charming apartment, in a great neighborhood. And that's wonderful and I'm so grateful for it. But it's not my home, not my house, not my neighborhood.

Learning, I hear you!! But I recently had an experience of moving to another state for a year (I had a second third D-Day, my mother was dying in a nursing home, my sister offered me a place to stay so I went, halfway across the country with my cats and a suitcase!)Ö

The experience taught me a great deal. I was utterly miserable the first few months I was there, and thought about home obsessively, but after those first months passed, I developed a routine and a pattern that really worked for me. I started to enjoy and appreciate it. It taught me that I can be resilient when I have to be, and that's not a bad lesson at my advanced age.

We will get through this. We'll develop new routines, new patterns and new rituals to our days. Above all, we will have peace.

LadyG posted 5/13/2020 17:18 PM

I hate the old house now. Itís Toxic to me and anyone still living there... STBX and 1 x DS are left behind, looking at bare walls and empty rooms,

I donít really like my new place anymore either. False reconciliation attempts on his part, meant he bought his crazy with him. It feels contaminated now...

I am working on cleansing my new place too.

Sad, but STBX WH never wanted me to move, he had control over everyone while I was living there. He was never going to let me go and AP was never going to move there.

I built the house for him. It was a home for a very short time, now itís his big empty house.

I want to move again soon and I eventually will. Thereís nothing here for me now except my old dog. Fast asleep by my side. Sheíd probably love the move too.

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