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Help please

Breakingapart posted 5/16/2020 13:28 PM

WH will be seeing my youngest after a month of ďsocially isolatingĒ himself from his kids....anyway...youngest going for a sleepover and I texted as I have before that I expect it would only be him ( and not OW there as well). He said tomorrow it would be but that may not always be the case. I donít know how to respond. Iím shaking with anger. I feel sick to my stomach. How can he expose my kid to the woman who helped break our family!!!!! How can he think I would be okay with that!?! My older three wonít even talk to him. Does he expect having her with him is going to help him change that in any way. Or does he not care.
I need help in how to deal with this oblivious man!!!

Okokok posted 5/16/2020 14:15 PM

I'm sorry. This is the worst. I've been there and walked this walk.

I would only maybe 50% believe that OW won't be there tomorrow. Maybe less.

You can and should talk to your lawyer about this because there could be some nuance in your situation that I'm not aware of, but barring that, at the end of the day, unless you can prove that OW is somehow unsafe (i.e., a registered sex offender or something), there is little to nothing you can do about this actually happening.

WH can bring anyone he wants to his home and around his kids. His idiot friends, his shitty neighbor, and his AP. All are fair game, sad as it is.

As you know, WS's can do a lot of truly awful things and it's not even illegal.

What you *can* do is keep a watchful eye on the situation, check in with your kiddo, ask for a daily (or whatever) facetime, etc. Any hint of *anything* that is over a boundary, unsafe, etc., and you can pounce on it as the strong mama bear you are.

In the meantime, you can cultivate an environment in your own home that is always safe, warm, loving, and sweet for your kid. You can support your child at this time because it's really hard for them, too. Very new and awkward and confusing and sad.

You can avoid grilling your kid when they get home, asking them questions, etc. You can avoid any hint of putting him between you and WH, and instead just be the loving and supportive mom you are. If you child wants to tell you something, create the space for that, but otherwise just be supportive.

While your child is gone, you can fold their laundry, make their bed, buy their favorite groceries, maybe get them something special for when they return.

Again, I'm sorry. It's the manifestation of your worst fears in divorce/separation. It does get easier over time, I promise.

[This message edited by Okokok at 2:15 PM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Breakingapart posted 5/16/2020 14:25 PM

Thank you for your response. It helps not feeling so alone....no thing I know about OW puts my child in danger however I donít know her...she is a stranger to me....other than she works in healthcare like him and so is potentially exposing him to corona as he is....
Iím just shaking in anger that he doesnít understand that if he craves time with his kids he should focus on time with his kids...not with her and the kids. How is my 8 yr old supposed to understand WTF is happening?!? Why is the law so unjust! I want to scream at him, shake him....Iím trying to remain calm and thinking of a response to his words....having a hard time
I hear on here that it gets better and easier...I am not convinced

Okokok posted 5/16/2020 14:39 PM

Why is the law so unjust! I want to scream at him, shake him....

I hear you. I remember this from your other post(s), too. Have you had any dreams where this has happened? I remember having dreams (nightmares) when I was in the thick of things where I would just animal scream at the world (and exWW).

When exWW and I separated, we had an agreement that there would be no significant others in the picture for at least 6 months. This was broken by her within 1 month. I absolutely lost it. I cried, I yelled, I argued...she told me she "forgot" about our agreement.

Unfortunately, this is what they do. And if they *stay* wayward, it doesn't really ever change. There will always be an opportunity for WH to lie, trick, half-truth, etc. Always be aware of that.

I hear on here that it gets better and easier...I am not convinced

Ha. You don't have to be :)

But it does. The sun keeps rising, one way or another.

After a while it will become very clear who makes decisions about your kids, who is in charge, who controls what happens to them. No OW can ever take that away from you. Your momness gets *magnified*, not diminished, over time. I know it's hard to see, but it's true.

[This message edited by Okokok at 2:40 PM, May 16th (Saturday)]

Breakingapart posted 5/16/2020 15:01 PM

Thing is I donít know if I should respond to his text saying that tomorrow he will be alone but that may not always be the case? Or do i just leave it. Is he trying to provoke me? Probably! Do I simply state that if he is wanting to spend time with his child that he should do that ...alone....that he is jeopardizing rebuilding his relationship with his child by introducing him to a stranger....
Iím torn....
Honestly...Iíd rather just tell him to fu** off and go away forever!

Okokok posted 5/16/2020 15:13 PM

Honestly...Iíd rather just tell him to fu** off and go away forever!

Truly, the closest thing to this is to not respond.

It sends a better message and has a better, stronger impact than anything you could possibly say, including shouting expletives in his face. Silence here is what puts you in the strongest position. Honestly it's a boss move.

Thing is I donít know if I should respond to his text saying that tomorrow he will be alone but that may not always be the case? Or do i just leave it. Is he trying to provoke me?

He could be. Again, saying nothing breaks that cycle and gives him zero satisfaction.

Do I simply state that if he is wanting to spend time with his child that he should do that ...alone....that he is jeopardizing rebuilding his relationship with his child by introducing him to a stranger....

You already know from your process with him that no amount of "explaining" will have any impact on an actively-wayward person. Now that you have some experience under your belt, you can probably see that words like these actually have the opposite effect. It's not even just a waste of breath; it does the opposite of what you'd hope.

I know he's long gone, but give yourself an opportunity to do a little 180 here. Don't bite on this. Just be serious, stoic Mom. Capital M. That will give you a better result.

He will find out over time what his relationship with his child will be.

Breakingapart posted 5/16/2020 15:33 PM

Thank you! Youíre right, saying anything just makes it worse. In the back of my mind though....I think if no one says anything to him he goes on thinking he is fine and everyone is okay with his actions....

HalfTime2017 posted 5/16/2020 15:38 PM

All us BS walked this walk, and as shitty as it is, there isn't a thing you can do. I think Okokok gave you great advice.

Take care of yourself

The1stWife posted 5/17/2020 04:02 AM

Iím sorry heís a clueless selfish person who just doesnít get it.

And he never will.

How sad. Heís that insecure he cannot spend time with his children one on one.

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