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He's out and changing challenges

betrayedafter20 posted 5/17/2020 13:46 PM

A lot has happened since my last post.

He announced he had found a place and then four days later got the keys. I actually was doing okay with everything - almost in a way, relieved and (excited?) to have peace and freedom from the eggshells I've been walking on for the last six years.

Thursday was the first night he slept there because he didn't have a bed until then. He stayed for dinner, told the kids, and they left the table quickly. Older one said "I love you too" to his dad and I don't think I've ever heard him say that.

WH and I had a brief cry and he apologized again for everything happening. An awkward pause and out he went.

I then went into complete despair mode and fortunately was able to reach a friend who just held my virtual hand while I sobbed on the phone. And then, after about 15 minutes, I was OKAY.

I didn't even wake up in the middle of the night and cry. there was just sort of an awareness that he wasn't there that seemed uncomfortable. Him sleeping on the couch for a month definitely helped with the transition.

Friday night I had two neighbor girlfriends over for wine outside it was a nice evening. told them everything. Then one of them told me that a mutual friend had seen him in January at an event where there were students playing music and they approached him and asked which kiddo played an instrument - he said it wasn't his kids he was there to see, it was a friend's, he plays guitar.

I confronted him about it yesterday, he came to do some yard work and stayed for dinner to spend time with the kids. He trickle-truthed until I dragged out sure enough it was FAP's son he had gone to see. !!! A-hole. Another part of his perfect fantasy life - coincidentally - WH is an excellent guitar player and neither of our boys ever took much to music - so I'm sure he was ALL over that.

I told him he keeps saying "you can trust me for the truth now for the sake of the boys" but he's still withholding information. You're still LYING. He admitted. Yes, I have a problem with that and am working on it. I told him all I could think of now was how many other times could he have been doing something like that and would it have taken away time he would have been spending with our own sons?? He totally denied it ever was a thing before, he had never spent any time and the boy had only seen him a couple of times doing electrical work because he was always at school when he went to see AP. it was just after AP broke up with him and he was just finding another way to get close to her.. pathetic.

I laid down the law that I couldn't believe anything out of his mouth so he would have to just prove to me in actions. "well I just mowed the lawn didn't I?"

It's been three nights now and my spectrum boy has been okay I think because last night he didn't ask "send Papa in to say goodnight".

I'll keep checking in on the boys. WH is concerned about depression for the older one -suggested we get him counseling HUH!!! really? NOW you're concerned? I think it's coming from FAP whom he's still talking to on the phone - she's the one that originally recommended counseling for our marriage, remember???

I am definitely more comfortable in my home overall though. It is so empowering to have the reign of all decisions in the day - Now I need to worry about keeping the financial situation comfortable. He's in a generosity place right now so I think I need to somehow lock in on expectations before he gets distracted with a new girlfriend.. me not being the primary breadwinner and my current job is a little volatile affected by COVID and I'm a 1099 contracted account manager - first to go if someone goes..

Unfortunately I'm texting him right now engaging about that music day because I wondered if the friend he went there with knew about the affair. JFO FAP was there that day. He had told me he went with a friend to see music but TODAY he just admitted the friend wasn't even there and he went there to see her and the son. WOW.

UGH I need to stop engaging in those subjects... just more hurts.... I was doing fine before that information - he's mad at the neighbor for telling me - but as I told him - it's a consequence of his choices and I told him if she knew and never told me and I found out later, I would be mad at her so he needed to understand that you are not "protecting" someone when withholding truths... DUH. Here I am still trying to convince him to change into a person that does the right thing??? For the sake of the kids is my argument.. Alas, I am wasting energy, I know.

Off to the grocery.

StillLivin posted 5/17/2020 15:03 PM

Gently, you need to start detaching. That starts with actions. The first step is to stop confronting him about lies. You know the truth, but you are separated. You no longer need to have him validate the truths you discover. The confrontations keep you engaged in his life like he matters. I know this is hard. I was the queen of confrontation during my marriage. I had to sit on my hands and grit my teeth during the separation and divorce. But now, after faking it at first, I truly couldn't care less about him. Once in a while, I still find out crazy sgit about the ex. I just don't care enough to have him confirm it or to get satisfaction by letting him know I know.
This is for your peace of mind, not for letting him off the hook. You already know he is a cheater and a liar. You are not reconciling.

nekonamida posted 5/17/2020 16:22 PM

I told him he keeps saying "you can trust me for the truth now for the sake of the boys" but he's still withholding information. You're still LYING. He admitted. Yes, I have a problem with that and am working on it.

He's really pulling out the all stops for his pity party, isn't he? He can't possibly think that he deserves your trust while he keeps lying and is still carrying on the A. Doesn't stop him from trying to convince you to rugsweep though!

You're doing well. Every day gets easier. If you fall off the 180, just get right back on it.

Marz posted 5/17/2020 17:30 PM

I get your anger.

Does anything really surprise you?

They all lie a lot.

betrayedafter20 posted 5/17/2020 20:36 PM

The first step is to stop confronting him about lies

This is INCREDIBLY difficult for me... I know ya'll have been there and I need to do it - just SOOOO want him to account for everything...
you are separated. You no longer need to have him validate the truths you discover

but its like this weird torture/satisfaction to force him into truth - I need to stop "needing" that in the process. ugh
If you fall off the 180, just get right back on it
this I will do Neko - it allows me a little wiggle room while I get to StillLivin's advice!!
Marz - does it surprise me? the lying? Yes, in a way - still just in awe of his ability to continue thinking that it is necessary or appropriate in the light of our separation. But yes, I am learning. They do lie. a LOT more than I can fathom. It is hard for me to swallow how comfortable he has gotten with it - it's a knee jerk for him now.

THIS JUST IN. after your reponses came in WH came by the house to pick up a few things. I had the locator on his phone and unfortunately in the weak moments this morning after the confrontation about the music event - I was lurking the Life360 - saw he had gone to Costco.

He doesn't have a membership.

I knew immediately he had gone with her to get something - probably a TV because we had just had a conversation about it the other day AND I got a notification in the email today that the Roku password had been reset. I offered him the older, bigger one and maybe I would get a smaller, newer one.

I took the bait and starting fishing around when he got here. He said he had just been putzing around the apartment getting things settled. I said "so you didn't go anywhere today like to get a TV?" he pushed back "what are you checking on me now?"

turns out sure enough She had called him this morning to check on him (had been a week supposedly since they talked). When he said he needed a TV she offered to meet him there and he could use her membership card. He says 'we're just friends now' and I'm like "oh,you told me I was your best friend, is she replacing that part too? and she's not a friend if you're "in love" with her even though she broke it off' PATHETIC.

He said he didn't tell me about it because he thought I would give him a hard time about him getting a new one and me keeping the old one.

Again there I was trying to convince him of why the withholding of information is lying and just f-ing tell the whole story. (I know, detachment! urg.. mad at myself.. I'll get there). Then while he's here in this awkward conversation we realize the back of the house is flooding (it's been raining nonstop for two days).

We spend two hours with the boys and the shop vac trying to keep the water from pitching into the house.

In the middle of the chaos while both boys are bucketing water I ask spectrum son to go get a broom. He froze for a couple minutes and had to think about where/what to do. WH decides to yell at him in that moment of hesitation that "J!!! COME ON get your ass in gear and help out like the rest of the family!". I tell him to chill and response was "you're the one that's always yelling around here!" Now spectrum son is shaking and in tears.

Reality check. This is what I hate about him the most.

180 going back in effect immediately.

Time to get a lawyer.

After he left I talked to both boys about understanding that this is a big part of why we have separated and that they need to continue a relationship with Dad but to be sure and assert themselves if they feel unsafe.

I think it was an affirmation for spectrum son too. Yes he misses his tuck-ins - but it's been peaceful at home and then this happened. He's putting it together.

I know I'm going to be happier. The boys WILL be okay.

[This message edited by betrayedafter20 at 8:40 PM, May 17th (Sunday)]

Lalagirl posted 5/19/2020 09:42 AM

In the middle of the chaos while both boys are bucketing water I ask spectrum son to go get a broom. He froze for a couple minutes and had to think about where/what to do. WH decides to yell at him in that moment of hesitation that "J!!! COME ON get your ass in gear and help out like the rest of the family!". I tell him to chill and response was "you're the one that's always yelling around here!" Now spectrum son is shaking and in tears.

Kudos to you for not making your WH a head shorter! What a dick!

And kudos for the way you talked to the boys about it - you're a great mama. (((HUGS)))

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