"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Brokenheart29 posted 6/2/2020 01:45 AM

I’ve tried so hard. It’s been 4 years since dday. I’ve been the bigger person. I’ve not caused arguments. I’m still hurt by everything and last night was the final straw.

My xwh hasn’t had his children since lockdown. I’m in the UK so it’s been 10 weeks. Prior to this he had them 1 night a week. He works in a shop, he is still with ow and she started work as an ambulance driver (not a paramedic). During lockdown they bought a house and moved in together. This hurt like hell but It’s another bite of that shit sandwich and I’ve just about swallowed it.

Anyways I’ve asked him to start having the children again. For the moment it’ll just be ds who is 4. Dd is 10 and doesn’t want to go as she doesn’t like ow and I’m not forcing her to be in a situation that causes her anxiety. She’s already had counselling and went through a terrible stressful time a few years back when we split up it was awful.

So he had to ask permission from ow if they could come to the house (he has to run everything by her). I then got texts last night saying things like “we are not happy having them” “we think it’s too risky” “we think you’ll blame us if you catch covid” and practically every sentence used the ows name and the term “we”. We are 4 years out and he is still using the ow to beat me with. The conversation had nothing to do with her yet she dominated it. I can’t talk with him anymore. Even if he rings to discuss anything all he does is mention ow. It’s like he can’t function without talking about her and it pisses me off. The pair of them destroyed my family I don’t want to hear about what they are up to or talk about her like she’s a queen. I just want to discuss children only. Should I go to a solicitors or mediation to get something in writing? Or is there an app I can use? It’s time to parallel parent. I plan to not have him near my house for pick ups anymore I can’t talk to him it’s affecting me mental well being and my healing. Thanks so much for reading.

The1stWife posted 6/2/2020 06:35 AM

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

If he cannot have the kids at his home b/c of OW then when lockdown is over you ask again for HIM to spend time W/ his child. Ask via text. Get all responses in writing.

If he declines then you don’t ask again. And you move forward with knowing he’s a father who Abandoned his children. No further obligation on your part to make it happen.

Let him know (via text) if he wants to see his children at any time he should contact you to make arrangements.

If he never does it’s his loss. But you have removed yourself from being the driver of the train so to speak. He needs to make it happen. Covid 19 or Not he still can see his child when the lockdown is over. And one day it will be.

You are smart to know never send your children where they are not welcome. And if the OW isn’t welcoming them then they shouldn’t go anywhere near her. She’s not their stepmother. She’s just some lowlife your H sleeps with.

EvenKeel posted 6/2/2020 07:51 AM

Anyways I’ve asked him to start having the children again.

Who stopped the visitation due to Covid? IE were you not comfortable or him?

If you have to message him, keep it to sentences that do not require a response.

IE Like respond with "Let me know when you are able to resume your weekly visitation schedule"

You will save yourself a lot of pain if you move your communication with him to just emails or texts. This gives you time to think about responses and it limits him going off on a tangent talking about what 'they' are up to.

You can not control what he sends you but you can choose to only respond to the child-related topics and ignore the rest.

There are many folks that use online calendars for notification of events (school, sports, etc). It will be on him to check it and show up if he chooses too. You are not his secretary anymore. Give him the tools so he can be involved in their lives but it is on him whether to do so.

Just ignore the 'we' in his messages. It is only driving you crazy and that isn't good.

You are smart to know never send your children where they are not welcome.

Ditto. How awful it would be for your DS to have to go to a household that is not welcoming!

babbu posted 6/2/2020 08:24 AM

There are actually apps out there to help you! I highly suggest it. I'm not sure what their names are, but I bet others can help you.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/4/2020 22:01 PM

I used to hear the same “we” bs.,
Then I heard they fight a lot from a neighbor and from my own kids! And her son moved out to be with his Dad.

I know there will be a day when OW moves out from my xwh. I can’t wait to say, “ where’s ‘we’”??

I personally didn’t push the issue of visitation bc my xh and ow are big drama people, and my kids needed calmness in their life. IDK, some people in here brought the kids to their xh and forced them to step up.