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Some things I've learned

EllieKMAS posted 6/2/2020 17:38 PM

With the crazy world situation and pandemics and riots and all the things, I have been feeling kind of stuck lately. I was talking to my therapist about that stuck feeling and she recommended writing down all the things I feel like I've learned so far in this journey. I did and it oddly helped.

This list lives on my fridge currently and I've been adding to it for the last couple weeks as thoughts occur. Not sure if it unstuck me yet, but figured I would share anyways.

-Cheating is abuse. Plain and simple.
-Exdouchehole's cheating had nothing to do with me. It wasn't cus I was a 'bad wife' or not a good partner. Were there things I could have done differently or better? Sure. But that just means I am human and I am capable of learning.
-In rose-colored glasses, all the flags look the same color. To really see the red ones, take the glasses off and really LOOK.
-Reconciliation only works if BOTH parties are on board. If a WS won't crawl up their own ass to undo what they did, they ain't R material. And no amount of BS wishing changes that.
-Divorce is not the scariest thing. Staying chained to a person of low character, low integrity, low morals... THOSE are scary things. Divorce isn't.
-AP's ain't shit. They aren't better, smarter, prettier. They are THERE. They are broken and sick and WS's like them cus an AP will never call a WS out on their bullshit.
-Grief is a fucking washing machine. Some days it's hot. Some days it's cold. Some days it spins fast, some days it's on the gentle cycle. But it does get better and eventually the cycle is over (I'm not there yet).
-THIS TOO SHALL PASS. It will. It does. However you feel today, right now will NOT be how you feel in 10 minutes, or tomorrow, or in a week.
-Wasting my time and energy and love and emotions on someone who wouldn't do the same for me is a fool's errand. That energy is way better spent on my own self.
-Resentments are unspoken truths. And they are poison to my mental health and emotional well-being.
-Some days, self-care is running a marathon. Some days it's putting on pants. Even small victories are still victories.
-Sleeping like a starfish on the bed is awesome.
-Trusting and loving a cheater doesn't make me stupid. Being a trusting person who ignores all the red flags and all the issues does.
-Be unapologetic in being yourself. Some folks won't like that, and that's okay. The ones that don't mind that are the ones you want around - those are the ones unafraid of authenticity.
-Honesty is the best policy. Even an ugly truth is better than a lie.
-Getting full control of the tv is amazing. I can watch documentaries and binge shows about drag queens with NO eye rolling or whining, AND I don't even have to watch 37 hours of youtube shit about engines or wrestlers to get to watch what I want to for a change. Whaaaat?
-Messes are easier when they are all mine.
-If someone hasn't been cheated on, they simply have NO idea what I'm feeling. I will not waste energy trying to make them 'get it'.
-Wanting a simple, calm, peaceful life free of drama and bullshit does not make me boring. Likewise, I am not boring because I wouldn't sleep with an 18 year old whore for the exdouche's fulfillment as a 'man'.
-Home improvement projects are way easier with one person't input. Just saying.
-Even a rather twisted and sarcastic sense of humor is better than none at all.

Anna123 posted 6/2/2020 17:51 PM

Nice post:-)

-Home improvement projects are way easier with one person't input. Just saying.

I've noticed they also aren't as messy with one person

On a similar note, I had a huge financial transaction I was making on behalf of my elderly Aunt. It hit me while I was on my way to do it how much I wished I had a Significant other to back me up and be there for support and make sure I wasn't missing anything. After about 30 seconds of that it dawned on me that who ever that person would be, would probably be second guessing everything I said and adding to the stress---- I had it covered just fine.

[This message edited by Anna123 at 5:52 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

Chili posted 6/2/2020 18:13 PM

That's good stuff Ellie - I posted lots of "journals" during my early days here. It's amazing how many of us have similar things bouncing around our heads. It's a great relief to share them with folks who get it. (See attempting to explain being a BS).

Other items of note: I am fond of saying here how much I love my boring and simple life. These days "boring" = healthy, drama-free, and lacking of craziness.

Also - see my tagline for a simpatico moment on the truth thing.

So - question for you. What do you think the stuck thing is about? Do you think you're stuck in your own healing or stuck with your "next" maybe? (I think lots of people are struggling with their next these days in a very real situational way. Lots of futures are kind of fuzzy framed right now).

But I also remember feeling stuck about 2 years out even though by then I had met SO and was rocking my new beginnings in work and house and everything else. My stuckness was about feeling the need to do a "something" with this infidelity thing. Like I went through that and learned all this shit and now what? Wanting to flip it into something useful. To have gained a...a...thing and not exactly make it a good thing, but make it into a valuable skill or part of my empathy or....

It's part of what brought me back to checking in with SI from time to time - seeing if I could add to the voices here supporting others on their journey. I also did some very specific volunteer work and wrote some things.

(Feeling stuck is stinky.)

Ripped62 posted 6/2/2020 18:58 PM

I like your post immensely!

fareast posted 6/2/2020 21:59 PM

Great post Ellie. A lot of it resonates. I canít believe you were forced to watch 37 hours of YouTube shit about engines or wrestlers. Do you not get the GolfChannel?

LoveTKO posted 6/3/2020 07:37 AM

I LOVE THIS!! Thanks for posting. I feel exactly the same way. You should add this to the library.

And I think it's normal to feel stuck in this crazy world. One thing I've recently found helpful is to schedule my time so I feel somewhat in control. I'm one of the lucky ones who is still working though.

Hang in there.. sounds like you have a wonderful therapist.

Hugs from me to you...

EllieKMAS posted 6/3/2020 08:27 AM

So - question for you. What do you think the stuck thing is about? Do you think you're stuck in your own healing or stuck with your "next" maybe? (I think lots of people are struggling with their next these days in a very real situational way. Lots of futures are kind of fuzzy framed right now).
Thanks for the words of wisdom Chili! You have helped me get to this point more than you know

Yeah, I do think it's mostly just situational right now. Still working on cleaning up and getting back on my feet after the D. And am contemplating a move, but am on step 5 of 258 steps to do that, so just hate the waiting. It will pass. And still working on my 'closure'. Being a grown up sucks

TKO - I feel the same too. I am working from home and am trying my best to stick to a schedule as much as I can. Those first couple weeks of working from home I was like a caveman!

3rdstrike posted 6/3/2020 08:33 AM

Ellie,
You have a keen and refreshing POV. I look forward to your posts/responses because they usually wash away any doubts I have about my process of moving forward. You reinforce the power and confidence a BS needs to find and invoke humor to replace the pain. No pressure but I hope you're able to stick around for a long time. Hugs!

BentandBroken posted 6/3/2020 08:57 AM

Great timing on this post. Just what I needed today. Thank you!

DevastatedDee posted 6/3/2020 09:03 AM

All so very very true. Especially the control of the TV part, ha ha ha!

CallingSpades posted 6/3/2020 21:36 PM

Awesome post! Thank you!

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