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Trying to stop myself from contact

woodlandlost posted 6/16/2020 13:21 PM

Hi All,

Trying to not reach our to her. She has lawyered up now and we are working out visitation with DD. Everytime my lawyer is going to respond to hers, I get this sick feeling and want to call her first. She does not like the approach I am taking and says things like, why are you behaving this way?!

I hope we come to agreement soon, because the next step is court. My WW has a legal aid lawyer and is happy to go all the way, mine is coming out of my pocket. I expressed my concerns to my lawyer and she offered to get the visitation part handled pro-bono (what an amazing offer).

Did anyone else here have similar feelings about wanting to reach out even tho the relationship bridge is burned to the ground. Help!

Catwoman posted 6/16/2020 13:23 PM

Frankly, I think you might be better letting the attorneys deal with it. Yes, it is more costly in terms of actual coin, but the savings in wear-and-tear on you, making it truly a business transaction and keeping the emotions out of it is worth it.


Tigersrule77 posted 6/16/2020 14:04 PM

Have you discussed using a mediator to come to an agreement on custody? If she wants to make you pay a lot of money for fees, this is an easy way to do it. It can be very simple or very complicated.

Charity411 posted 6/16/2020 14:10 PM

I remember feeling that way. I assume she doesn't like that you are refraining from talking to her directly and that's why she's asking why you are behaving this way.

What I learned quickly was that by reaching out to him first, I was giving him the opportunity to manipulate me. The problem is, I wanted to reach out to my husband, my lover and friend. He was no longer any of those things. Until I understood that, it didn't occur to me that he'd even try kick me while was already down. It was a hard lesson to learn, but one I needed to.

I think you are doing the right thing by having someone with no emotional attachment to her do the talking. And it must be very frustrating for her. She didn't bet on you catching on.

Anna123 posted 6/16/2020 14:19 PM

Absolutely! It felt so unnatural not to discuss such a big thing with the ex.

I was also always afraid of his reaction. The lawyers only went back and forth a couple of times though with official responses. The big decisions were at a mediation, with separate rooms where the agreements were hashed out.

Just remember, it's best to not reach out and in turn muddy the waters for the lawyer. Also, I think it's good to keep the anger up until the divorce is final.

Good luck.

Phoenix1 posted 6/16/2020 15:08 PM

Reaching out is a habit, and like all habits it is hard to break. It takes time and consistent behavior. As time progresses, you will find the urge to reach out becoming less and less. That is emotional detachment at work, and emotional detachment is absolutely critical for healing. Every time you reach out, you feed the potential drama llama.

Let your attorney handle as much as possible to keep emotions out of it. Business transaction mentality only from here on out. Any communication regarding actual DD visitation (pick ups/drop offs) should be in writing and include nothing else. No chit chat just to the point.

She does not like the approach I am taking and says things like, why are you behaving this way?!

Of course she doesn't! It takes away her power and ability to manipulate the situation! Beware, the longer it goes, the more she may ramp up with this kind of attitude. Stay the course and remain as NC as possible.

You've got this, woodlandlost!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:37 PM, June 16th (Tuesday)]

fareast posted 6/16/2020 21:35 PM

You feelings wanting to reach out are normal. But please donít do it. No contact at this juncture is important.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:25 PM, June 27th (Saturday)]

betrayedafter20 posted 6/16/2020 22:26 PM


I am so sorry you are struggling with this

Every step of this process is entirely difficult

I am in the beginning but I think you are getting sound advice here.

Certainly I will be experiencing the same thing, probably about a year from now.

Completely understandable that you would want to talk to FWW and say nice things to soften the situation - I would do the same - after all when we married them they seemed to care about us and human?? (what goes through my head is "yes but I'm sure my WS is the exception, they can't be that selfish, they hurt me one way so I'm sure they'll be fair, I'll take SI advice with a grain of salt") yada yada

When it is my turn to be in your shoes the friends here we have will advise me the same - especially now for you - and IMHO - NC to me seems like a good idea. Agreed on their theory of potential of manipulation unless you've experienced something different historically..

And they're right. Unfortunately, Woodland, our WS's are lifetime members of the handbook of cheaters, liars, manipulators. Sad, but true.

If you want to be the nice guy later and it will make you feel better about it - IDK -maybe "sorry, I was advised to step out of contact so was just trying to do the right thing to not hurt anyone"?? Veterans here probably would disagree but that would be my "grain of salt" approach.. somehow it seems to blame the attorneys but let you off the hook when really you are getting what you need/deserve in protection.

Prayers sent for strength and lifting you up with support. I'm a newb so not sure what I can offer but that.

ALotofHistory posted 6/16/2020 23:31 PM

Absolutely DO NOT reach out. Do not take the bait. This is classic manipulation. Pay the money and let the lawyer take care of the discussions. However, make no mistake, make sure the lawyer is doing your bidding. Meaning, she works for you. I made sure that mine did and said things that were in line with what I wanted and the outcome I desired. I did want to "win" what was winnable....and make no mistake, even in a 50/50 state like Cali....I won by a landslide, assets and custody.

...but let those conversations be had by your lawyer on your behalf.

PS - ex had a legal aide lawyer too (after wasting about $10K on several others with beyond stupid ideas, people/family talking in her ear and plain bad advice), so....it is an opportunity to win assets that you can have to use on DD for schooling, vacations or to pass on to your DD as YOU see fit. Think long term. I took the opportunity to have my lawyer thump the empty suit hers was. You should, too. Its business.

phmh posted 6/16/2020 23:57 PM

I totally remember feeling this way. You respond to positive reinforcement, because you are a human. I remember taking a calendar and marking every day I maintained NC. After a good streak, I wanted to maintain, so even though i wanted to contact him, I didn't, so that I could "X" out another box with NC. Your cheater is not worth it. You are the prize. Work on healing yourself, and that includes excising the traitorous cancer from your life.

woodlandlost posted 6/17/2020 10:28 AM

Hey All,

Thanks for your responses. I rode the wave and you replies did help to centre me and I looked back and read them and that helped to NOT contact her. My mind was trying to convince me to do it. Part of me wants all this nightmare to be over and we can all be a happy family again. That was last night. And this morning, when I woke up, I was starting to think that maybe this is simply how this all had to shake out...perhaps I was holding on so tight that I just convinced myself this is what I needed. But given all the facts, the drinking, cheating, lying, character assasination, where do I stand up for myself and say NO....I am worth more.Funny, even my lawyers aid to me as I was trying to go soft, she said, she pushes you around...stand up for yourself and your kid!

Thanks all:)

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