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Ragey At covid-19

PSTI posted 6/18/2020 13:20 PM

I am just so full of rage about how COVID-19 has crept into every aspect of our lives, and it's not going away anytime soon.

DH, Kiddo & I have been in isolation for 96 days. 96 days of not leaving the house, of having everything delivered, and putting groceries and mail into quarantine or else bleaching them. THe fear and anxiety and depression have been absolutely crushing me.

DH & I are both severely immunocompromised, and if we catch this, we are very likely to die, hence the total lockdown and all the precautions. I've already had two friends die and several contract COVID-19 and survive, although with varying degrees of complications.

DBF has been isolating as well while he was working from home, and he was spending his time about 50/50 between our home and his apartment. He was just given notice that starting next week, he needs to return to work on-premises, which means we won't be able to see each other anymore because it's too risky.

I am hurting so badly at the thought of being separated from him for who knows how long. Basically, until things get much better or until there's a second wave that shuts things down again AND he isolates for another two weeks. It's a fucking nightmare.

And at the same time I feel so gaslit because everyone else is celebrating the reopenings and happy to go see friends and family again while I am being even more isolated and losing contact with a loved one. Our second anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and we won't be able to be together. Who knows how long this will go on? I am heartbroken and devastated. I'm blessed to have DH's love and support through this time but people aren't interchangeable and I'm hurting so much right now.

Anyone else separated from a partner because of COVID?

Some days are worse than others. Lately I've been feeling like I'm serving a jail sentence with no end in sight. I understand that people are reaching pandemic fatigue because so am I, but the idea that things are reopening just because people are bored and that's taking one of my loves from me is making me furious and breaking my heart today.

Justsomelady posted 6/18/2020 14:10 PM

Sorry to hear about the losses youíve experienced. It is so scary, and yet boring and repetitive too. And very frustrating to see people act like things are normal. I had a lot of trouble with it this week, but I sort of had a really low moment turn into a breakthrough. Things really, really suck, and they will continue to suck. There are so many people I miss and want to see. But the breakthrough was one of just acceptance. I did this once before and it all got retriggered, so Iím sure Iíll cycle thorough some rage/sadness/acceptance again. I am focusing on what I can control as that is all I really have at my disposal. Everything else is out of my hands. Not sure if that is helpful at all but I certainly understand your rage and fear.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 2:11 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]

Jeaniegirl posted 6/19/2020 00:29 AM

It really has changed our entire world and I'm fearful we won't go back to the normal for a very long time. My nephew was in a serious car accident Tuesday and is in ICU. His injuries are numerous including a collapsed lung and he's on a ventilator. My sister and brother in law can't even see him. They are having to rely on two calls a day from the nursing staff. Bless them for giving reports, their only life line to their son. He's my only nephew and I'm very close to him. There are guards at the hospital because we are totally spiking here and no one allowed inside for visits. It was easing up here but new spikes of positives and hospitalizations and deaths rose sharply four days ago. I feel that's because our state 'opened' too soon. Too many people in large groups, partying like there is no tomorrow.

My promise -- and my goal -- is to look forward to once again going into Texas Roadhouse or the Longhorn steak house and have myself a juicy filet steak and big buttery baked potato. I dream about it. That is one of the main 'normals' I miss.

tushnurse posted 6/19/2020 08:35 AM

(((jeanne)))) I hope your nephew recovers quickly.
That is scary and tough on mom and dad for sure.

I agree about the going out thing. We have done carry out quite a bit in the past month. Of course I nuke or put whatever we get in the oven for a few minutes, just in case.....

Justsomelady posted 6/19/2020 09:15 AM

Wow Iím so sorry about your nephew Jeanie

PSTI posted 6/19/2020 10:00 AM

Jeanie, I hope your nephew recovers uneventfully.

Honestly though, I can't even imagine going back to a restaurant right now. Our patios have opened but I have zero interest. Restaurants are supposed to be fun and relaxing environments. Being served with a server wearing mask and gloves is not relaxing, nor is worrying constantly about being around people.

I agree those precautions are necessary for now and I feel terrible that restaurant workers don't have the right to refuse to work in unsafe conditions. I think that these qualify regardless of what the governments say.

But I have no interest in actually spending money for that type of experience. But then again, I am not even going to the grocery store.

I agree that places are reopening too early. There's so much community spread. Sure, our numbers went down but that's because most of them were in long term care facilities. Community spread hasn't reduced anywhere hardly at all.

And the longer this goes on, the longer we get locked up, and the longer until I can be with both my loves again. It hurts so fucking much.

Carissima posted 6/19/2020 16:30 PM

I have a different view on this. Before I expand on this let me say I have lost several people close to me so I do recognise the severity of this virus.
The point I want to make is that businesses aren't reopening because people are bored they're reopening because people need to get back to work in order to be able to live. Being safe from the virus won't matter if you can't afford to put a roof over your head or food on the table.
Not everyone can work from home. In the UK businesses are going bust every day,and not just small unheard of firms. Some of the biggest names won't be reopening after lockdown, thousands of people made unemployed. Someone I know found out today they don't have a job to go back to, another type of casualty.
Yes we need to be careful with the virus but we also need to watch out for the economy.

Justsomelady posted 6/19/2020 16:35 PM

True - I donít know what the solution is there. We need some temporary universal income (or not for people with jobs... I got money at the start of this and I donít need it). And to get back to normal business without taking people out we need to have more mandates for masks as people wonít do it apparently unless they have to. Also, we really need to rethink architecture and design of office spaces and allow more actual opening windows to encourage air flow. I think A/C can spread it.

But I think what PSTI is getting at is she cannot participate in these economic things outside the home due to health

PSTI posted 6/19/2020 16:45 PM

The problem is that no one should feel like they have to risk their lives to make a buck. The system isn't working. People are being forced to go back to work for that reason.

And primarily low income minimum wage people who can't refuse a recall. I'm sick of hearing people talk about choice to stay in or go out when people don't have a choice.

The economy as an item is rather like "the relationship" as an item. The health of the people should come before that of the entity. I don't see anyone WANTING to go back to work because they love their job or something :P

I know not everyone can work from home. I don't know what the solution is. I'm not that smart. But expecting people to risk their lives for a concept as abstract as "the economy"? That irks me. Real people are going to DIE. That's concrete. The economy is not more important than our friends and family members dying alone in hospitals with no family there to hold their hands.

I feel like I've already lost so much during this fucking pandemic. And now not being able to see my BF is just fucking too much.

We might literally be in isolation until there is a vaccine. I am already going crazy. But the economy doesn't matter if I die or DH dies. Even my mental health doesn't matter if we die because we get careless.

I'm just drowning and now I'm losing one of my main supports.

Carissima posted 6/19/2020 17:19 PM

It's not so easy to dismiss the the idea of having to go back to work when you need the money to literally survive.
As for people who want to get back to work, that would be most of the people I know who just want to get back at least a bit of normality.
It's not going to be easy, thousands of people have lost their jobs. The woman I was speaking to today was panicking because when she's job hunting she's going to be competing with all these other people for jobs that no longer exist.
I use the term economy but I really just meant real life. These are people concerned with feeding their families or not getting evicted. Of course people are concerned about their health but it's a balancing act. Most people I know are not financially situated to isolate themselves indefinitely and most employers are only allowing work from home as a temporary measure.

PSTI posted 6/19/2020 17:23 PM

Of course we all want normality! I'm literally going nuts here in isolation. It's not like it's a privilege. It's like serving an indeterminate jail sentence.

But pandemic fatigue is going to kill people because they want that normality! Because they're tired of taking precautions or they convince themselves to take the rosiest view because that's what they desperately want to be true.

I think it's just like Hopium. We can't wish away COVID-19. People are dying because of it. Money won't matter if we're dead. And not being able to see or touch a loved one because of the economy? It's fucking rage-inducing. Rage and despair.

Carissima posted 6/19/2020 18:04 PM

I don't know where you live but in the UK you wouldn't have been able to see your BF during lockdown.
People could only interact with residents of their own household, we could go out twice a day, once for exercise and once to get provisions. You couldn't meet up with family or friends at all, couldn't go visit. People were encouraged to report their neighbours if they broke the rules. You could actually be arrested if you were caught breaking the rules.
I have a letter from my employer confirming I am an "essential" worker to show the police in case I got stopped (before I started working from home).
Now it's more relaxed. You can meet up with a small group of friends outside, you still can't go inside another person's house (unless you're a carer), if you do meet up you're supposed to keep 2m between you at all times.
Anyway my aunt who is in her 70s was told to isolate for 12 weeks, she's widowed and hasn't seen her children or grandchildren since lockdown began. My cousins leave her groceries outside her door and of course they call but what kind of life is that?

PSTI posted 6/19/2020 19:28 PM

That's why BF moved in with us. He was actually staying here half the time and at his own place half the time, but he was isolating otherwise so it was effectively living here. If they had forced the issue, he would have just stayed here the whole time. My space is just a little tight for three adults and a child. Fortunately, everyone gets along well though.

As for your aunt, though- that's exactly what I've been saying. What kind of life is it when you literally can't leave the house for fear of dying? And all the gaslighting because as things open up and people start seeing friends and family again (now permitted here), I have to stay locked up and now pretty much lose my only additional connection?

It's not fucking life. It's literally running out the clock until there's a vaccine. It's why my depression and anxiety are so debilitating, and losing that one connection is destroying me.

Except I've already isolated for more than 12 weeks and I'm stuck until who knows when. Like I said, it's a jail sentence with no end date.

Having the support of both my partners was what was helping keep me sane. And it likely kept my DH sane since I know I'm a lot to deal with when I'm depressed. They both joke about tagging in and out and it's mostly funny jokes about when I want too much sex and that partner is tired, but I know that emotional needs take a toll, and my mental health hasn't been great. I have to be careful not to lean too hard on DH because he's struggling too. He's in the same boat except that he doesn't have another partner right now to lean on.

I just don't know how I'm going to manage. Till what, next year??? How can I go that long without seeing BF? We were supposed to celebrate our anniversary this weekend :(

Carissima posted 6/19/2020 20:11 PM

But the situation with your BF would not have been allowed, he would have to have moved in full time or not at all.
I guess there is no easy answer. For the people I know they simply cannot exist anymore financially, and there are articles and people saying ignore the finances until it's all over but you can only do so much of that.
I read an article a few months ago from one expert that said to expect this virus to be seasonal in nature, similar to the flu. It's here, it's out and it's just going to keep mutating and coming back year after year, although hopefully not with the same intensity.
With any luck the vaccine will be here before the end of the year, can't believe it's nearly July already.

PSTI posted 6/20/2020 11:46 AM

But the situation with your BF would not have been allowed, he would have to have moved in full time or not at all.

If that was the rule, he would have moved in for the duration. There has been a lot of pain in the poly community because of the various types of stay-at-home orders. I'm lucky that everyone gets along well enough and the relationship is far enough along to have made it an option for us.

But he can't stay here any longer if he's interacting with the general public. He doesn't want to do it; he's having panic attacks from the stress. But he cannot refuse a recall to work unless he's prepared to quit his job and he is simply not in a financial place to do that. It's awful all around.

Imagining that I might not see him until next year is beyond cruel.

PSTI posted 6/21/2020 10:39 AM

Today is two years with DBF. One year ago, we were lying on the beach at a sunny resort together. DH drove us to the airport. It was the most amazing feelings of love and connection and family with my partners.

The drop in my emotional state between that and today is beyond crushing.

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