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Last and Final D-Day

DarkSecrets posted 6/28/2020 19:50 PM

Well, I just experienced the end a couple hours ago. I looked at his phone and noticed he had watched some YouTube videos his AP sent him in their secret email account I found on the last D-Day. He tried immediately lying and denying, but I canít give in this time. I absolutely cannot continue this life.

We have an apartment in our barn. I kicked him out there. Financially Iím reliant on him to keep my house and property. I have a rescue animal farm. We will have to sell the ranch, and I will have to go to work.

Now what? Iím sitting on ďourĒ bed alone, and heís out cleaning up the apartment. Iíve spent the last 3 years helping him deal with mental illness crisis after crisis. The last year has been hell and he was hospitalized twice for being suicidal. I have stayed with him not always because I love him with all my heart, but because without me he may die. Literally. But I canít continue to allow his illness to keep ME from living the life I deserve either.

Chili posted 6/28/2020 20:14 PM

because without me he may die. Literally

I'm not trying to be blunt here, but he might. It is not your job to save him. Even if he wasn't still continuing with his infidelity nonsense actually. He has to do all of his work all on his own.

But this is also part of what really letting go means. To let go of the outcome - know that the future of our STBX is out of our control - and in many cases doesn't turn out so rosy. Anything that does or doesn't happen to him as a direct consequence of his choices is not your burden to carry. You have helped him plenty - probably to your own detriment.

So with that - if you are done and this is truly your last and final D-Day - then you need to figure out steps to get him out of your life and that barn. Way too close for any good jump-starts on your healing at this point. But first things first. Have you met with an attorney yet just to discuss things and see where you are?

Have you considered any ground rules for him being out there in the apartment?

Now what = each day you try to carve out something for just you and your future. The attorney. Doing some good self-care - a walk? A bath? Thinking about if you do have to go back to work - what kind of job would you like to have? Some little things to start helping you get into your own head and out of his.

DarkSecrets posted 6/28/2020 20:14 PM

Wait, I forgot to add, he also googled ďpay phone locationsĒ so he was attempting (?) to contact her. He swears he didnít talk to her, but heís a piece of shit liar so I have no way of knowing any truth. F*#K him

nekonamida posted 6/29/2020 14:08 PM

I have stayed with him not always because I love him with all my heart, but because without me he may die.

He had a life before you. He still has some family members and friends to help him through. He also has the OW. He will always struggle whether you're with him or not. If that does lead to an early demise, it is not your responsibility. He had one job - don't cheat - and he decided it was more important than having a better chance at a healthy, fulfilling life. His only option from here is rock bottom and deciding on his own terms to get healthy. But to be clear, I've seen quite a few people with addiction and similar mental health issues manage to squeak out a living and find new people to leech off of for years after their caretaker finally dropped them so I'm not convinced he will drop dead any time soon.

At the end of the day, you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. What's best for your family is YOU moving on and being the healthy, stable parent no matter what he does. Call up that lawyer and get the ball rolling.

k8la posted 6/30/2020 12:37 PM

I would put his life in his own hands - he's been living a double life. He won't cut off OW, but depends on you. Having his feet in two different worlds would cause anyone to be self-destructive. Set him free and remove his foot from your life. And let him know you're doing it for his health so that he can own his life fully.

Tallgirl posted 6/30/2020 22:03 PM

Stay strong DS. You have been through a lot. Another adultís life is not your responsibility. Clearly he is not committed to you. You are not his mother. You are his wife. A wife who he has betrayed in many ways and Many times. It sounds as if he uses you for his needs.

If he is adult enough to lie and cheat, he is able to live on his own. Give yourself what he isnít - love and respect.

I understand it is hard to let go. But it sounds like it is impossible not to.

Hugs.

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