Lost2760 posted 7/10/2020 23:25 PM

This is a drunken late night rant. Fair warning.

I am currently stuck in Pennsylvania with my WH for 5 more days. I found out 6 days ago about the fair. Today I was having a really bad day. And inadvertently the subject came up over many beers even though I told myself that brining it up is pointless. He says he’s sorry but his actions or reactions to the subject speak volumes. He justifys it in his mind given the state of our relationship at the time even though through the atleast 9 months to a year he was having a physical and emotional relationship with someone else. To the point of “I love you’s” even during that time he proposed to me. We planned the wedding we might have in a few years. We celebrated our kids birthdays and Christmas and all these things were the relationship wasn’t all shit. He still talked to her. It’s bullshit. He doesn’t take real ownership of his actions or adjust is perceptions or understand how I feel at all. He gets pissed off when I bring it up after 6 DAYS of finding out. I feel like he doesn’t give a shit. Here I am a wreck and struggling to make it through the day and researching things to do to come together he’s going about life as usual. I am stuck here. Alone. And consumed with these thoughts and the only person I have to talk to is him and instead of letting me process my emotions I am met with attacks and the mentality of how dare I bring this up again it’s the same thing everyday for 6 days. Like WHAT THE FUCK. Please tel me if I’m in the wrong here because I just don’t fucking understand. He says what am I supposed to do just break down and cry? What am I supposed to do just tear myself down? I’m not asking for that I’m asking for him to empathize with me to understand where I’m at.

After this conversation it’s become clear that it’s not going to change. That I’m alone in this and that I should “suck it up and move on” because that’s all he knows how to do when confronted with adversity. There’s no compromise. Theres no adjusting his views to my needs. There’s no remorse because he feels justified because of how our relationship was at the time.

I feel so done right now. Why am I trying so hard when he isn’t? I’m so lost and devastated and I’m to a point of just exhausted. But I have to keep pretending everything is okay in front of the kids I have to pretend everything is okay or civil til I get on my feet. I’m heartbroken. I just don’t know how to get through this. I dont know who I am without him. I’m a mess I’ve always been a mess and I feel just so tired of fighting myself and fighting for our relationship when he’s not willing to adjust to what I need.

I’m so depressed and lost and hopeless not only for relationship but for myself.....

This is the only outlet I have right now so I’m sorry if I post a lot I guess i just don’t want to feel alone. I want to know that others feel how I feel and that I’m not crazy or expecting to much....

[This message edited by Lost2760 at 11:41 PM, July 10th (Friday)]

OwningItNow posted 7/10/2020 23:56 PM

Sweetie, there is some tough love coming your way. You were a 20 year-old kid with a baby who moved in with a guy after knowing him two months, and then you were smacked upside the head with his inappropriate relationship with another woman. Since then, problems have continued and you added another child. He never married you, but there you are.

So now he's cheating. He's maybe always been cheating. He hasn't really given you much in this relationship--no ring, no fidelity, just a roof over your head.

Is that enough? I don't see any signs here that indicate anything will ever change. He's calling all the shots and handles things as he wants. You can go along with it or you can leave, right? Is he offering you any other options? He travels and works a lot. How will you ever feel safe?

If you do not feel you can leave, then IC, IC, IC until you can. Your mental health is not safe in this relationship. I'm worried for you. It's time to work on you and get strong. You sound like an awesome, genuine, kind person who has not had a chance to find her footing. It's time to get out there and take care of you. Tell him you've decided to get a job. Start there. Tell him he needs IC or you are leaving. Start putting your foot down and meaning it. Form a real plan and follow through. You can do this.

OwningItNow posted 7/11/2020 00:15 AM

As a p.s. It occurred to me that you probably think he's taken care of you, but he really seems to have gotten the best deal here--not you.

Cute girlfriend at home
Doing everything--my laundry, cleaning
Watching my kids
I travel all over
Do what I want
Date who I want
Come home for some sex and kiddie snuggles
Fix the sink
Take out the garbage
And off I go again, to do whatever (and whoever) I want!!!!

He is free as a bird. You are the indentured servant. Things need to change, get more balanced and equal (if you aren't ready to leave).

He needs to give you cash for a get away account that is just yours. You can add to it with your work funds. "Honey, if you are going to fix your shit, this money will sit here. But if you do this bullshit again, I will be gone faster than you can say, "I'm sorry." What do you think, babe? Put some money on the line?"

He needs to person up and put some skin in the game to keep you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:19 AM, July 11th (Saturday)]

LadyG posted 7/11/2020 19:14 PM

Wow, 6 days after Dday is rough.

My STBXWH had or still has the same attitude, of get over it, lets move on together and don’t mention it again.

He lied and still lies about everything and we have been living apart for more than 12 months. I chose to leave him.

Within a few days of me moving, he was desperate to have me back, but still had AP as a back up then.

My WH continues to contact exAP even though OW has a new OM again.

Get serious with him, ask him to move out as you have 2, I am guessing young children, so you packing up and moving may be more difficult.

If and when he’s serious about reconciliation, do you speak to him about the A. It’s all just TT in the early days.

And sweetheart, we all have those weak, sometimes drunken late night rants.

Mine was last night as I got a call from an old acquaintance of my WH, who obviously had no idea that we were done. So I once again let it out at his expense.

Take care of yourself and your precious children 1st🙏🏼

Lost2760 posted 7/11/2020 19:32 PM

Lady I’m sorry for the things that got you here but I’m thankful for you. I’m glad you got yourself out of that situation and stood your ground. It’s difficult right now because to his wishes and financially it was better for me to stay home and take care of the kids. I have nothing to my name. We were never officially married though engaged and planning to get married in the future all the while he was talking to her..

I feel all over the place but so it could change either he weather but I feel like I’m just done. He doesn’t seem to care and wants me to suck it up and move on. And I can’t get over the emotional part of it all he told her he loves her. Which I don’t honestly think he loved her but he had some kind of feelings for her and it’s been going on for 9 months maybe more.

Thank you for your kind words and sharing your experience. I’m trying very hard to keep it together for my kids. And come up with a plan to make sure that I’ll be okay...Eventually..