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I donít know what to do

Rosepetal2 posted 7/11/2020 09:01 AM

Hi all , Iíve not been here for ages but still with my WH. Please read previous entries for details as itís so long winded!
Weíre coming up to 12 months since dday -16 months since he did what he did.
Iím still struggling with my feelings and just swing between ďwe have so much together and history, should I just get over it, do I want to give up the life we have built up, can I do that to the kids?Ē
And
ďHe lied for so long, accused you of cheating, added to your mental health issues, doesnít open up emotionally, and isnít the man you thought he wasĒ
Iím so tired of it and lately I feel this is not what I signed up for! I feel so heavy and hate that I donít feel in love anymore.
Do I wait or do I risk it all to feel happiness deeply again?
Crying as I type as I just feel so conflicted

Okokok posted 7/11/2020 09:34 AM

Well, you're going through a very common thought process. Sorry you've been put in a place where you have to do these thought exercises.

ďwe have so much together and history, should I just get over it, do I want to give up the life we have built up, can I do that to the kids?Ē

How old are the kids? I've read all your posts, but either I missed it or forgot. Also: how is your daughter (the one who saw AP with her pants down) doing? I went through something like she did when I was a kid, and I know something about its lasting effects.

You have probably heard or read many times that "staying for the kids" is rarely if ever a good choice. Much more damage done to them existing in a tense/broken home situation where Mom is tortured and broken. Again, I'm back to thinking about your daughter.

And to your statement, "should I just get over it?" Well, good luck with that. Because that's not in the cards. The A will be a part of your life from now on. The magnitude of that depends on a few factors.

There can be healing, though. BS and WS have to work very hard together for a long, long time. I don't get the sense that your WS is working hard. Do you think he is?

Or there can be almost complete transformation on a new path on your own.

Iím so tired of it and lately I feel this is not what I signed up for! I feel so heavy and hate that I donít feel in love anymore.
Do I wait or do I risk it all to feel happiness deeply again?

What is the risk as you see it? Have you ever articulated that for yourself?

And if you don't take that risk, then what will you be "waiting" for? It's been 12 months already. That's a long time - long enough to see what your husband will or will not do.

Pro tip: Mom feeling deep happiness again is probably the greatest thing that could happen to your kids, if that's what you're worried about.

Divorce is generally scary and unthinkable to a married person, but I promise you it's not what it seems in your head.

~

Your post speaks volumes. I mean to say *you* speak volumes. You say you don't feel in love. You say your mental health is at stake. You say your husband isn't who you thought he was and he has treated you poorly.

I'd support you no matter what you wanted to do, but the real risk I see here is continuing on exactly as you have been for the past year.

[This message edited by Okokok at 9:35 AM, July 11th (Saturday)]

Rosepetal2 posted 7/11/2020 09:59 AM

@okokok Iíve tried replying direct to your reply but it wonít work sorry 😐
Iím daughter is ok , sheís 12 now, 13 in December. My son has no idea on what my daughter saw etc and heís just turned 10. Me and WH get on ok but itís not what we were like, understandably. Iíve tried opening up to have difficult conversations, some Iíve psyched myself up to start and all I get is either ď itís up to youĒ or no response at all.

He doesnít start any conversations about it even if he sees Iím having a bad day. I suggested a break to which he looked at air bnb for £1600 for only a month and said ď I can think of better things to spend the money onĒ immediately I felt guilty that itíd require money spent!
Thatís all been forgotten about as I said I donít think he needs to spend that much and itís not meant to be a holiday.
We did have a good couple of weeks but I basically sucked it up and tried to just get on with it . Thatís not sustainable. So once I had a convo on Tuesday with him about my latest feelings of resentment, heís barely spoken to me since. Only when necessary and hasnít mentioned the convo again.
Itís exhausting, but I still feel like itís all on me to decide on our future and I hate that.

Okokok posted 7/11/2020 10:21 AM

No worries! There's no real direct reply function here.

daughter is ok , sheís 12 now, 13 in December. My son has no idea on what my daughter saw etc and heís just turned 10.

Got it, thanks. So these ages are more difficult (in a divorce), of course, than if they were 7 and 5, but also much easier than if they were 17 and 15. Just saying.

all I get is either ď itís up to youĒ or no response at all.

Itís exhausting, but I still feel like itís all on me to decide on our future and I hate that.

Well here, I'm in agreement with both of you. Sounds like he's quite content to keep this going indefinitely. It really *is* up to you. You get to decide what you'll put up with, for how long, and whether or not you're going to go another way.

Waiting around for 1) him to decide or 2) come to some elusive mutual agreement is a good way to give yourself another 12 months of this, in my humble opinion.

I felt guilty that itíd require money spent!

Ahh, the guilt. Hope you can work on that. Your husband had an affair with your best friend. How's his guilt doing?

~

At the end of the day, he's not acting as a remorseful spouse. As I'm sure you're aware from reading here, that means you do not really have a reconciliation here. You are instead just "married."

Some people go on like that for a long, long time. You've done it for a year.

Kids still young. Bright future ahead. Healing and happiness possible. Good things for all concerned parties.

One path to that is a real reconciliation with a husband who works hard at it.

And then there is another way. That other way is scary at first, I know. Then, later, not so much.

You're on a third path, and that's the worst one (again, in my humble opinion).

Rosepetal2 posted 7/11/2020 10:30 AM

You know what I know youíre right. I do think Iím just settling because itís the safest option . The unknown holds me back.
Heís all Iíve known for 22 years and I donít know any better. I talk myself out of thinking what he did was even that bad when obviously it is, just because it was a ONS there are so many factors to it.
I think Iím going to send the housing form off , takes 6 months at least for any progress their end for me to apply for my own place. I canít afford to buy him out on the house or at least I donít think I can.
Thankyou for your advice it means a lot x

The1stWife posted 7/11/2020 12:48 PM

Itís not necessarily the Affair that kills the Marriage. Itís the realization that your spouse has changed (not in a good way) or is not the person you thought they were or is just a la y cheating liar unwilling to put any effort into the M.

Or all of the above.

When you are done you are done !

nekonamida posted 7/11/2020 14:24 PM

Rose, over on the S/D forum is a thread at the top of the page called "Fear vs Reality". Give it a read. The truth is, you are not risking as much as you think you are by leaving because peace IS a guarantee with an unremorseful WS around. Healing IS a guarantee. The combination of the two create an environment for happiness. Peace, healing, and happiness are not possible if you stay with him unless he becomes an entirely different person and he's already made it clear that he won't be doing that.

What you risk by staying: more heartbreak, a new DDay, further damage to your DD/DS by witnessing more infidelity, an unstable home environment for them, and a divorce you didn't want because of a new DDay or because he's ran off with the next OW. Chances are you will find yourself holding D papers even if you stay because he's still the same person who cheated on you 16 months ago and he will likely do it again.

Read up on the 180 and follow it. See a solicitor. Know your rights and what to expect in a D even if you're not ready to file just yet.

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