Well, you're going through a very common thought process. Sorry you've been put in a place where you have to do these thought exercises.
“we have so much together and history, should I just get over it, do I want to give up the life we have built up, can I do that to the kids?”
How old are the kids? I've read all your posts, but either I missed it or forgot. Also: how is your daughter (the one who saw AP with her pants down) doing? I went through something like she did when I was a kid, and I know something about its lasting effects.
You have probably heard or read many times that "staying for the kids" is rarely if ever a good choice. Much more damage done to them existing in a tense/broken home situation where Mom is tortured and broken. Again, I'm back to thinking about your daughter.
And to your statement, "should I just get over it?" Well, good luck with that. Because that's not in the cards. The A will be a part of your life from now on. The magnitude of that depends on a few factors.
There can be healing, though. BS and WS have to work very hard together for a long, long time. I don't get the sense that your WS is working hard. Do you think he is?
Or there can be almost complete transformation on a new path on your own.
I’m so tired of it and lately I feel this is not what I signed up for! I feel so heavy and hate that I don’t feel in love anymore.
Do I wait or do I risk it all to feel happiness deeply again?
What is the risk as you see it? Have you ever articulated that for yourself?
And if you don't take that risk, then what will you be "waiting" for? It's been 12 months already. That's a long time - long enough to see what your husband will or will not do.
Pro tip: Mom feeling deep happiness again is probably the greatest thing that could happen to your kids, if that's what you're worried about.
Divorce is generally scary and unthinkable to a married person, but I promise you it's not what it seems in your head.
~
Your post speaks volumes. I mean to say *you* speak volumes. You say you don't feel in love. You say your mental health is at stake. You say your husband isn't who you thought he was and he has treated you poorly.
I'd support you no matter what you wanted to do, but the real risk I see here is continuing on exactly as you have been for the past year.
[This message edited by Okokok at 9:35 AM, July 11th (Saturday)]