Logally, I see all the same things you all see:
All I have here is a tattered shred of a marriage, not worth saving at all. I mean, I get nothing out of this, except for some stability and another adult in the house to let the dogs out. Oh and maybe some sex if I make an appointment and if he isn't too tired (never happens) and if it doesn't interfere with his **sacred** sleep schedule. I don't think I am actually worried about him having another A, because I don't think he could stay awake for it.
We are both 51 years old. I act like I am 31, he acts like 81. I am still youthful, attractive, active, and fit. I have hobbies, ambition, and friends. He has diddly-squat.
I have values. He values nothing. Not even, apparently, me.
I have one reason, and one reason only, to stick around. That is the 2 1/2 year period between Retrouvaille and his stroke. I know I can't stop talking about it, but, y'all, it was magic. I felt so valued and loved in that time. We were still not perfect. We were on the first block of a lifetime marathon. We had dreams that we shared. We were growing and healing and both of us becoming better people and better partners.
I. was. happy.
And yes, I know if I get divorced and go out on my own, I will be happy again. I will find someone else to share my life with someday. Hell, I will probably be hitting the sheets with some firefighter before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers.
But I don't want to wait. I want my life back the way it was before this damn stroke ruined everything. I want my high school best friend, my lifelong buddy, there by my side. I want him to be the man he was, the one who cared about me and wanted me to be happy as much as I cared about him and wanted him to be happy. We had plans. Some of those plans included him helping me get things in my life the he had previously denied me. I don't want to put all that on hold while I try to figure out the logistics of a new life, then go find a new person to do all that with. I have worked too hard and waited too long for my turn in this marriage, and who the hell is he to deny it to me once again?
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I just had a weird thought, about how forgiveness is about letting go and not expecting anything from the person who wronged you. I think I need to forgive him for having his stroke. I have been angry at him all this time, and doing all the things I do when I am angry at him for being him. Mostly this consists of trying to get him to "see things my way" and then trying to force him to change his behavior to meet my desires, expectations, or needs.
My whole marriage was like this, with me cycling through the first 3 stages of grief: denial that things really are just as bad as they seem; bargaining by trying to change something or other about myself, him, or our marriage in hope that this would finally work; and anger at him for not being the person I thought he was. Then we would have a big fight, make up, things would be OK for a few days, and I'd be right back to denial.
So what if I can just forgive him? Not just for the affair, but for all of it. For pretending to be something he wasn't before we married, for being exactly who he is, for having his stupid stroke (which the neurologist said was probably unavoidable), for not recovering the way I think he should.... for all of it?
What if I can say, I don't hold any of this against him. There is nothing to do about any of it now anyway. I am never going to get him to change, so I can give that up. I will never be able to get him to meet my needs, so I can stop trying with that, too.
So I can stop expecting him to provide touch, or sex, or companionship. I can stop expecting him to care what I do with my time. I can stop expecting him not to whine about everything or to have any energy whatsoever. I can stop expecting him to make that psychiatrist appointment or do anything else to strengthen our marriage.
That is a really sad thought, but a really freeing one, too. That gives me some choices. Either I can do some of these things myself (except for the psychiatrist appointment) or I can let it go. Or I can find a way around it.
Well, that was apparently the end of the line for that train of thought. I just ran out of words.
I don't know why I keep coming here and cluttering up the board with my rambling, except that I truly want someone to bear witness. Thank you to all who read this far.