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Ok, here goes. Don't be me.

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99problems posted 7/31/2020 18:17 PM

Unfortunately I have derailed a few times as well. But all less than 2 weeks after separation and I have went modified nc- no response to anything unless it is about custody or finance. It's working well.

Buster123 posted 8/1/2020 14:34 PM

I live in a no-fault state. All of the evidence i saved over the years of infidelity is worthless. I'm still going to fight for everything i can get, she makes 6 figures and I make nothing (SAHD, remember). I think she will not quibble about custody, as she works a lot, but who knows. I have learned not to think that I know anything real about this woman. After 11 years, I know nothing, absolutely nothing.

Go for the jugular and absolutely get ALL the money you can get from this serial cheater and unremorseful WW from hell who has been playing russian roulette with your health for years, essentially your M has been a sham, she will try to use custody as a bargaining chip to give you less money, don't fall for it, the least you can get is 50/50 custody, as far as alimony and child support GET IT ALL for as LONG as you can.

99problems posted 8/2/2020 11:55 AM

That is the plan. It's the only recompense I'll ever get from being gaslighted and manipulated for years and years. And it's not enough. Nothing could ever be.

99problems posted 8/9/2020 19:48 PM

Well going NC has been a godsend. I'm still so angry, I cannot wait until that's over, i cannot wait for ambivalence to start kicking in. Being this angry for this long has taken a toll on me. Have lost 45 lbs now but I am eating at least 1 or 2 very healthy meals a day and drinking tons of water. Still not enjoying my favorite pastimes except for reading but it feels pretty good to be doing that as much.

Have found out that my childhood, which I always thought was pretty good, was not really very good at all(ACE test)

Also found out that I score pretty high on a codependence test. Not really a surprise but a good thing to know so I can work hard on that. I do NOT want a repeat of this in my life ever again, I'd rather be single on my deathbed.

The covert narcissist thing (my amateur diagnosis of the stbxww) keeps proving itself over and over again. Her new tactic is to continuously change the times and pickup places for the child exchanges. I am documenting them ( actually got the narc to sign up for a coparenting app, didn't think I'd manage that) so that I can get a court ordered custody agreement. It is endlessly frustrating, I am constantly breaking plans with friends and having to reconfigure my life around her bullshit. Cannot wait to call the cops on her once she tries to pull this shit once orders are in place.
Definitely my heart is still struggling with the fact that the "person" I fell in love with and devoted everything to for 13 years did not ever exist. Not denial, just pain. My brain is fully on board though. And I'm able to shape my actions accordingly for the first time ever.
It feels like freedom.

Another annoyance/anxiety source is that I found out yesterday that school for the 7yo will be online for an indeterminate amount of time.(covid) I want my kid to be safe but how in hell am I supposed to survive when I have to be the teacher 5 days a week? I can work weekends but it's gonna be tight, I won't have much help and the lawyer is eating up my savings like a sumo wrestler in an all you can eat buffet. Fuck. Once the divorce proceedings begin and I start getting some CS and alimony that will help but idk how long that will take...

Stinger posted 8/9/2020 20:49 PM

If you have custody now, your lawyer should see if she will voluntarily begin paying at least some nominal support pending final resolution. If she is represented, her lawyer will know she looks better to the court by paying something now.

And, BTW, as I was reading about your wife, my exact impression was that she is personality disordered. NPD OR ASPD or a combo platter.

99problems posted 8/10/2020 00:20 AM

Thanks Stinger, I'll ask the lawyer tomorrow.
What does ASPD stand for?

99problems posted 8/11/2020 00:02 AM

Welp, she moved the exit AP into our house after 47 days from separation.
I don't really care except that my kid will be living with him... Grrr.
In other news she spent all night trying to bait me into making emotional replies to her texts. I did not respond and blocked her, stating that any further communication should happen through our co-parenting app or email. Lol. She's totally losing it. NC *does* work against narcissists.
That should help counter balance the earlier emotional text I sent her in court. It's helpful that she gets falling down drunk every night.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 1:28 AM, August 11th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

99problems posted 8/11/2020 01:28 AM

J707- I bought that book(the passive agressive covert narcissist) and read it on my best friends recommendation. It's very much a recap of my life for over a decade. Eye-opening and helping me more than I could have ever believed. Thank you sincerely for the recommendation

99problems posted 8/11/2020 01:36 AM

Emotional state tonight:
I'm feeling much better with everything. I'm so, so happy to be free of the yolk of an abusive spouse around my neck. And I'm excited to be on this journey of healing and learning things that I should have already known when I took the leap of marriage in the first place.
Not sure I'll do that again but that's ok. I have my kid and I have me now. I never considered myself a part of the team until now. IC has been wonderful, and self-compassion work and study had been even better.
A heartfelt thank you to all of you who have been supporting and counseling me on this journey. I don't know what I would have done without your collective wisdom, grace, and 2x4s to the cabeza.
I'll be sticking around and posting frequently. Honesty and transparency seems to be my jam.
Anger and hatred, while useful at times, is not my path and I'm seeing that more clearly day by day.

Phoenix1 posted 8/11/2020 01:46 AM

What does ASPD stand for?

ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder that includes sociopathy and psychopathy. People with ASPD often have narcissistic traits. NPD and ASPD are both Cluster B disorders, along with Histrionic and Borderline.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:46 AM, August 11th (Tuesday)]

99problems posted 8/11/2020 01:56 AM

Thank you, I looked that up earlier.
Getting the exact dx on the stbxww isn't my main focus at all now, although it does inform my future interactions with her.
But I really just want to focus on my daughter and I now. Once this divorce is done (and it could be as soon as oct 21 I found out) I will feel an immense sense of relief and gratitude.
Thank you guys for your very informative and helpful replies. Any nugget of information I can glean is something I didn't have before.
As a fairly intelligent person (cocky much) I've got to say that the realm of personal growth was not an interesting topic to me before this happened, and now it's my main focus and interest.
Sort of exciting to have a brand new thing to learn all about and explore. Especially if it will benefit me in the long run. Which it certainly will.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 1:58 AM, August 11th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 8/11/2020 05:21 AM

You should congratulate yourself on setting boundaries Pushing back on her Attempt to control you.

The scary thing is having your young child living with a man who is a relative stranger. That causes me great concern.

Your STBXW is just clueless. Moving a man in 47 days later is irresponsible IMO. At least your child has one stable rational parent.

Tigersrule77 posted 8/11/2020 06:37 AM

I'm so, so happy to be free of the yolk of an abusive spouse around my neck.

D is such a scary concept at the beginning, I think most people find out how amazing it is to dump the dead weight of their spouse. It is quite amazing how much energy one wastes on trying to drag them along. Once you cut them free, it makes some things so much easier.

Glad you are doing well. I hope you have some luck finding a job so you can pay your bills. I know it's rough for people looking for work right now, depending on your career. There are a lot of work from home positions. You might want to consider that.

99problems posted 8/12/2020 01:04 AM

Tigersrule- I am looking into the stay at home style job. I know that would not be a good fit for me long-term but to get me through this covid time I'm willing to do anything.
Once I can go to school I'm going to get my RN. I've been a nurse assistant and manager for assisted livings for 10 years (edit, my phone died in the middle of that and it posted it? Weird)

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 10:52 AM, August 12th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

KingofNothing posted 8/12/2020 16:45 PM

Well going NC has been a godsend. I'm still so angry, I cannot wait until that's over, i cannot wait for ambivalence to start kicking in.

Don't expect it overnight, but it will happen. MY shitshow wasn't nearly as bad as yours (I know, this is so comforting, right), but it was still pretty bad, and I had to work on damping down the anger for almost 3 years. Nowadays, I'm all out of f*cks to give for my ex, and that's the way I like it.

99problems posted 8/14/2020 11:54 AM

Oh man, 3 years does not sound good...
But yeah, there's no "fast track" to healing. I am pretty aware of that. I am learning mindfulness and compassion stuff that is helping. Once this divorce is finally done I'll be able to get some resources to get my own life back on track and that will help quite a bit too I think. Just even meeting people during this covid shit is feeling pretty daunting.
Gonna take my kid fishing today. I suck at fishing but it's fun to just get out and do it.

annanew posted 8/14/2020 14:47 PM

You sounds pretty awesome to me. Really healthy, like you are processing everything very well, able to still be a Dad to your daughter, moving forward to get to the next chapter. Given what she did to you, I'd say that's pretty darn impressive. You will be ok. And your daughter will also be ok, ultimately, because of you.

99problems posted 8/14/2020 21:54 PM

Thank you for the kind words. Progress feels good. Of course I'm impatient to get to the next step, but aren't we all? I love my daughter more than anything, she's the bright spot that still shines out of that oil spill of a marriage. And she deserves everything I can give her and more.

99problems posted 8/21/2020 13:32 PM

Aug 29 would have been the 11th anniversary. I really, really wish that this was not bothering me. But for some reason I'm already triggering.
Trying to do my best to keep improving my life and focus on me and the kiddo. But the anger, pain, and grief are being damn stubborn.
I really wish I could just focus on me this weekend. But looks like I've gotta keep hustling for cash for a while. (Moonlighting as a kitchen remodeller, I've done 2 kitchens in the last couple of weeks)

BobPar posted 8/21/2020 14:20 PM

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is very hard and the emotions do cycle for a while. It's sounds like you are managing and providing resources and love for your DD. You are a good Dad.

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