Lsja posted 8/14/2020 08:34 AM

I love my husband, I really do, but the pain he caused me is such a burden. I keep trying to find my footing and I'm toeing the edge, but to afraid to move.

His infidelity is long in the past (11 years ago). I just found out about it in March and he TT me until I forced a polygraph in June. He is doing all that he can to make things right, but I can't seem to get out of my own way. I know my heart, and its deeply hurt. I honestly can't see myself getting over it. I'm pretty sure it will haunt me forever. We could go on and have a good life together if I could just get through the devastation.

When I look at divorce, I see a good man who made GIANT mistakes. He has done the work and I believe he has truely changed. He stopped the behavior on his own. He is in his 40's, has a good job, and I'm certain he'll be a great catch. That's the part that kills me! He'll be just fine. He'll move on with another woman (probably younger and more attractive). He can have more children, and I fear that his life will be even happier. According to another thread, a man in his 40s with a good job is in his prime, and women everywhere will be falling all over themselves to secure a man like that. I don't want to see that happen. Most of all because I still love him. The thought makes me nauseous.

(Yes he was a cheater, but it was long in the past and he is disgusted with himself for it. I don't think he'd do it again to me or anyone else)

Meanwhile, I'm 40, not getting any younger. I'll be struggling as a single Mom. No time for dating because I'll be busy raising our child, putting food on the table, and trying to put money away for retirement. Because I'm a 40 yr old female with a child and no money, I'm not a catch. Men aren't falling all over themselves for women in my category. (This is a generalization, but I feel it's mostly true).

Please help me see this clearly. Am I wrong? I feel like because I love him I have to leave him, but because I love him I cant make the leap.

Bigger posted 8/14/2020 08:53 AM

Some thoughts:
Why do you want to divorce him? Some of the things you share suggest to me that it’s to get some revenge. Don’t get me wrong! Infidelity is a very logical reason to divorce someone and many of us see infidelity as a non-fixable deal-breaker. But I think our reasons for divorce should be based on us not envisioning a life with the spouse rather than a tool to even the playing-field or create counter-pain. Be honest with yourself on the reasons for divorce.

Infidelity is a major trauma.
In the General forum there is a thread started by Sisoon – a seasoned guide on this site. It’s about even now at the 10-year mark he triggers. He considers himself safely on the route of reconciliation. Realizing that R takes a long time and requires immense effort can help you decide if you want to go that path or if you want to stick to D. D has its own difficulties too, such as realizing you are letting go of your spouse so if he goes and marries a 20-year old beauty-queen and starts spawning out a brood of kids… it’s no concern of yours.

What I suggest when I read posts like this is the following:
Think what you want. If you are insistent on D then list your concerns. You will find out that they aren’t as insurmountable as you think.
If you have doubts then I suggest you talk openly and frankly to your husband. Make it clear that you feel hard to commit to the marriage. Ask him what you two could do to work further on things. Be open for MC – not to focus on the infidelity but to focus on the marriage. Set yourself a date where you reflect on if you are still doubtful or if you have moved closer to either D or R in your mind.

Okokok posted 8/14/2020 09:34 AM

Bigger has given you great advice.

What I'm about to say is not intended to push you in any direction--both R and D are good options--but just to give you some perspective based on what I've learned post-divorce.

Am I wrong?

I'd say yeah, a little.

You're not wrong about the burden of the pain you're feeling, the difficulties of reconciliation, and the scariness of divorce. Those things are all real.

However, much of this...

Meanwhile, I'm 40, not getting any younger. I'll be struggling as a single Mom. No time for dating because I'll be busy raising our child, putting food on the table, and trying to put money away for retirement. Because I'm a 40 yr old female with a child and no money, I'm not a catch. Men aren't falling all over themselves for women in my category. (This is a generalization, but I feel it's mostly true).

...is not true at all (except yeah, you're not getting any younger! )

Notable: I'm also 40, and I've been on a bajillion dates. I like dating and find it super fun.

If you find yourself dating again in your 40s, here's what I can tell you about some of the things you mentioned:

- sure, you may be "struggling" as a single mom. The single dads you meet will be in the same boat. There are tons of people just like you and me out there. They are not sad, broken zombies. They're fun, normal people going through the same phase of life that you are.

- Yes you certainly will have time to date. Even if you work a lot, you'll have evenings free for a walk or a drink or a meal. I work and/or parent a metric shit-ton of hours, but I know my schedule and when I'm able to schedule in adult time, and I prioritize it. You'll figure out how to do the same.

- Yes you are a catch. I know the feeling, and I felt the same way when I first got out there. But you are wrong. Get your mind away from the idea that the only "catches" in the dating world are young, never-married, or no-kids. It's NOT TRUE. Most people on the dating apps (based on quick Google research and my own experience) are over 30. And, as we all know, soooooo many people over 30 are divorced and/or single parents. It's just the norm. Not kidding.

Single moms who understand alllll the ins and outs of parenting logistics *and* who have a moral compass?? Come on. They're sexy and *highly* desired. Same goes for the dads.

- Yes, there are plenty of men who will be "falling all over" women in your "category." I'm not just telling you what you want to hear; this is the reality of dating in the 2020s. It's a whole new world.

You don't have to take my word for it. If you're able, find single friends who use the apps and ask them about it.

I feel like because I love him I have to leave him, but because I love him I cant make the leap.

Well, the great news is that you don't have to be on anyone's timeline except your own. Take the time you need to make a good decision for yourself.

Of course, I can see you've been dealing with this for a couple months at least. Sucks, I know. I'm sorry.

I'd go back to Bigger's advice if I were you. Definitely map out your wants and needs for yourself - I know that's something I had to do back in the day when I was in a similar situation.

Seriously, write it down. What do you want/need to really give reconciliation a go? What would you need from your husband? What would you need to see and feel for yourself?

Same with D. Map it out. What are the things that, as sad as it may make you, would give you no choice but to head in that direction? Are there certain feelings? Certain actions/inactions by WH? Etc.

Final thought/question: you mentioned what you see when you look at the possibility of divorce. What do you see when you look at the possibility of reconciliation? If you and WH give it 100% effort, where do you think you'd be in, say, five years time?

JanaGreen posted 8/14/2020 09:38 AM

March isn't very long ago in terms of processing. Give it time.

To me he sounds like a good candidate for R, if you love him, he's remorseful. It takes time to process the pain.

But if you DO split up, I'd assume he'd have partial custody. He would still be your child's father. You wouldn't be a solo parent. And there are plenty of men happy to date a 40yo mom.

I know it's easy to get stuck and become paralyzed, but you have options. There are plenty of R success stories here. There are plenty of folks who are divorced and living a happy life. You will be ok. Just take time to decide what you want. Big hugs.

Lsja posted 8/14/2020 18:19 PM

Some thoughts: 
Why do you want to divorce him? Some of the things you share suggest to me that it’s to get some reven

I don't want divorce, but I can't see myself getting over this. There are so many triggers and painful thoughts. I see so many reconciliation stories where people are still hurting even though the work has been done. I'm afraid of living a life of insecurity, resentment,and sadness.

I don't see divorce as revenge. It's more of a consequence. Revenge would be going out and doing the same things he did. For a very brief illogical moment I considered it, but I'm not that kind of woman. I value my purity and know two wrongs never make a right.

[This message edited by Lsja at 6:20 PM, August 14th (Friday)]

JBWD posted 8/14/2020 19:20 PM

If a WS perspective is OK...

I can't see myself getting over this

I think that, quite honestly, there’s no need to see that now. I further think that, depending on what your FWH is doing, he might recognize that your only chance of getting over it is to move on, and his love will be tested, but should prevail in making that happen for you.

You have every right to be afraid, and certainly have every right to walk out whenever you see fit. His love needs to transcend wanting to possess you and support you if divorce becomes necessary, so I recommend give yourself whatever time you need and let your healing and his support point you to your decision, whenever that time is right.

JanaGreen posted 8/14/2020 19:53 PM

I don't see divorce as revenge. It's more of a consequence.

Makes complete and total sense to me.

Im sorry you've found yourself in this position and it was horribly unfair of your WS to put you in this place.