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Need opinions on mediation terms.

NeverEnough28 posted 8/28/2020 21:31 PM

So my soon to be ex husband and I had mediation today. To say it wasn't emotionally hard on me is an understatement. Originally when we discussed temp orders he and his lawyer said they didn't feel that I was entitled to any alimony. So I figured going into mediation today we would not reach an agreement.

However I asked for $1000 for two years of rehabilitation alimony since he makes twice as much as I do. At first they said again no to any alimony but I'm assuming they wanted to get things finalized. He came back with 200 over three years or giving me the house proceeds.

Long story short, the negotiations came down to this.

I get half of what is in his 401k
Half his military pension for the duration of the marriage
Half the house proceeds
He is going to refinance one of our vechiles that we owe more on than it's worth and in exchange give me back my car that is paid off after the oil leak is fixed.
And pay me $600 a month in alimony for two years.

Basically I walk away with half his 401k and pension, a free and clear car and 60% of the alimony I asked for which I thought for sure he would not agree to any hence why we had a court date set.

My lawyer said that we could still go to court if I felt it wasn't fair and wanted to see if a judge would get me more support. But it could go either way I could potentially get more support or less and possibly none or the judge could decide what we discussed is fair and I walk away with the same offer just now with a court cost on top of it. Essentially what I asked VS what I'm getting is a difference of about $9000 probably not worth the hassle of court.

Just wondering other people's options and experiences.

We do not have kids, the martial home will be closed on next week and we have spilt all personal property.

jb3199 posted 8/29/2020 06:09 AM

Sounds like a pretty equal division of assets.

Depending on the length of marriage, I'm betting that your lawyer thinks these are reasonable terms.

Anna123 posted 8/29/2020 08:29 AM

If you were married less than 10 years it sounds good.

If you were married more that 10 years in certain states you are entitled to life-time alimony as a starting point. Mine wasn't going to pay alimony either. He was crazy set on this. We were married 26 years though. My lawyer said that wasn't exes decision to make and a judge would award it. I am so grateful my lawyer put his foot down on that. If you feel you earn enough to support yourself, two years alimony will end in a flash, believe me.

Keep in mind, the 50/50 is not a gift from him. It was yours to begin with. Since he makes more, he should be paying you a decent percentage of that until he retires, not just two years. That would be the technical equal split.

Ugghh, I remember how tough this is! You want it to just be over yet don't want to regret leaving anything on the table. Also, half his pension from the marriage is correct, but if this was a long term marriage it might be worth looking up if that should be life time. Remember, your lawyer gets paid and goes home after this, you have to live with whatever you agree to for the rest of your life.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/29/2020 09:23 AM

Since I am the WW, I didn't feel right or entitled to alimony. I didn't even want any of his 401k, but he wants me to succeed and gave me half. I am keeping the house, however if I find that I can't afford it, then it will go to him first if he wants it. I am also getting child support based on our states calculator.

nekonamida posted 8/29/2020 13:10 PM

It sounds like a decent split to me. $9,000 is not a big difference when your future lawyer fees would come out of it.

Ratpicker posted 8/29/2020 20:52 PM

NeverEnough, congrats on making it thru the mediation session!

On getting 1/2 of his military pension- how do you describe the time period that you worded as "for the duration of the marriage"?

Has he already retired or qualified for his pension? How long were you married and was it during his military service? Will he send half to you each month or do you qualify for direct payment from DFAS?

Was the subject of the survivor benefits to the military pension addressed or settled in mediation?

NeverEnough28 posted 8/29/2020 23:46 PM

We were married ten years. I get half his military pension for those ten years because he has been in for 17 so far. Since it's ten years once he retires they will directly pay me. His civilian job also has a pension which I thought was a 401k so I'm going to confirm things with my lawyer on if he has both on the civilian side or not.

Also has anyone ever had health insurance where you have a fsa/hsa? How does that work, I'm on his insurance till the divorce is final, and he has about 10k in his hsa for uninsured expenses. Due to the mental anguish this out me through I was hospitalized and wondered if I would still have access to that to repay bills that insurance didn't cover.

Anna123 posted 8/30/2020 08:57 AM

Due to the mental anguish this out me through I was hospitalized and wondered if I would still have access to that to repay bills that insurance didn't cover.

Absolutely.If it was more than $5000 it should pay for all of it since you are still married. If it was less than $5000, you should be getting half of what remains in that account AFTER those bills are paid. This should be in the divorce settlement. Those are bills that were incurred now during marriage.

Ratpicker posted 8/30/2020 13:26 PM

NeverEnough, you can be sent half his disposable military pension by DFAS- IF - that is in the court order. If you two agree to that split at 50% or a specific dollar amount in your agreement. The judge signs off on the agreement, it is considered court ordered. If it goes to court trial- it would be up to the judge to award part of the pension to you. Sounds like it was agreed to split it in mediation. Also if DFAS is to send you the monthly payment you must have a MPDO (Military Pension Division Order- similar to a QDRO) prepared and signed by the judge. If he sends you the payment then a MPDO isn't used and it can be for an amount and duration you both agree to.


Are you saying you will get half paid to you for 10 years and then the payments stop? That is what I think you are saying when you wrote "I get half his military pension for those ten years because he has been in for 17 so far."

Did you address survivor benefits? If he were to pass away while you are drawing half the pension, there is no more payments unless you are listed as the survivor beneficiary.The premium that pays for the survivor benefit is deducted from the total and the balance is then split.

If he does have a civilian pension (or a 401K), in order for you to get half paid directly to you, a QDRO is required. Expect to pay to have a QDRO & MPDO prepared, sent for judge's signature and filed.

[This message edited by Ratpicker at 7:36 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 8/30/2020 15:37 PM

As a military spouse for 10 years, are you entitled to any continuing military health care and/or access to the commissary?

If not this is a big financial loss to you ... and probably why he doesn't want to go to court. A judge may award you spousal support equal to the estimated loss of benefits.

Inform him that if you go to court, you'll be asking for $1,000 per month for life.

NeverEnough28 posted 8/30/2020 22:50 PM

We never had tri care, but what do you mean by commisionary? My lawyer doesn't think I'd get lifetime support because we were only married ten years and have no kids. Our state it would be unlikely a judge would give permanent support.

Ratpicker posted 8/31/2020 11:29 AM

Your attorney is surely right, life time alimony is pretty rare especially after a 10 year marriage unless you were 70 years old or disabled. In some states there is a legal bar to alimony if the spouse was unfaithful.

The commissary is the on-base grocery store, the admittance privilege goes along with many other items like getting an id card to get on base, bx/px or MWR. Those are not provided after the end of a marriage less than 20 years that overlap 20 years of military service. Do you have a military ID now?

Bigger posted 8/31/2020 11:41 AM

It sounds like an acceptable result based on your initial demand of 1000 per month.
A couple of suggestions:
Consider a lump-sum. Could he make a one-off payment of 14400 instead of monthly payments? Iím thinking being able to cut off all contact and ensuring payment.
Have all terms dated. Fix the oil-leak? Have that finished in 2 weeks.

NeverEnough28 posted 9/1/2020 19:34 PM

The oil leak has been fix and he has the receipt for it. He wants to trade cars back this week says my lawyer. I told him I wanted him to at least be pre approved for the amount of the car he is taking before we start making tradesys on anything. I'm also sending my lawyer hospital bills I accrued as my mental health spiraled during this. He has a HRA so even though I had to pay those bills I can get reimbursed for them as they accured during the marriage and I'm on his insurance. So bank account looks a little sad right now but I'll atleast have those hospital bills paid back.

No way would he agree to pay it all in one lump sum, but hopefully I'll be getting the proceeds from the house soon as slwe finish this up.

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