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Rollercoaster of Emotions

ResilientSoul posted 9/1/2020 20:20 PM

So, it's been 4 months since DDay - when he left the house and never came home. About 2 weeks ago, he and I had a talk to discuss how we could possibly reconcile. He said he wanted to have more time to think about it and I was very patient and let him think about it, but all his actions were shady. He was ignoring my calls and only texting every so often. I felt like a side chick. He was telling everyone in his family he wanted to get back with me, but really he was still fucking the young whore and her father told me. Thats a whole nother story, 19 year old spoiled brat basically has parents that are too scared to say "no" to her so they let her continue this relationship. I know I'm not supposed to be mad at her, but she KNOWS me and she has offered to babysit my son before, so I am mad at her, because she was fully aware he was married. I"m mad at my husband too. Turns out he spent all of our refinancing money on lavish dates and gifts for her. I'm so heartbroken because I thought there was a chance to get my family back. It just sucks because I was at such a strong place before he contacted me, and now I feel like I"m going back to square one. I know what I need to do, I need to go NC. I did it before but it's just so hard right now. I'm repeating all the same behaviors, calling his friends, trying to get information, thinking suicidal thoughts, trying to understand how he could do such a thing. How could he run away with a 14 years younger co worker and leave me with a 10 month old baby during a pandemic? And better yet, spend ALL our refinancing money, over 6K on lavish dates. He keeps saying he "loves" her, but that doesn't make this okay. He continues to try to justify his relationship by saying that he loves her, that I always fight with (which I dont,he just gets EXTREMELY ANGRY at me every time I hit him with the truth about the affair). He's never been so angry and almost vicious with me in 12 years of being together and now ANYTHING I say is a trigger. We only get along with I walk on eggshells and don't speak about the affair at all. I'm sorry for the long vent, but I"ve been at a really low place the past few days. I feel like I was so strong and let myself get here. How do I move on from the pain? How can someone do this? I know he's just running away from his problems and he doesn't know how to communicate, and I keep trying to figure him out. But I can't do the work for him. He is ACTIVELY abandoning his family for this 19 year old slut! I can't fathom how he could be such a monster, the complete opposite of the man I married. How did he get here? How come so many people recover from affairs, but we can't. I'm not worth it? He has rewritten history, telling everyone we had a terrible marriage where we would fight for over a year, which isn't true. I know I shouldn't care about what others think, but I can't help but feel like I have to defend myself. How can SO MANY people do this to other people? Reading everything helps me realize I"m not alone, but that also makes me sad that it's so acceptable in our society. Like her parents, who know it's wrong, but still let her do it and welcome him into their home because they can't stop it??! trashy ass people who raise ENTITLED and SPOILED children. I cant make sense of any of this and it's killing me. I'm on medication to help, but I don't know if it's strong enough. I'm just so beside myself that people can walk around and hurt others THIS BAD and have no remorse. When do things get better? I've read it takes on average about 2 years, and I can't even think about feeling like this for that long. It's been 4 months since he left (affair began 2 months before from what I know- which is crazy because how can he risk everything he built in 34 years in just 2 months with this hoe) and it's just harder and harder. Please help me out, give me some words of support, or anything. I just feel so lost, discarded, worthless, and completely broken. I hate when people ask him "if he's happy" when they talk to him, because again, it's like our society makes it seem as if it's OKAY what he did if he is "happy"Of course he's going to be happy with something young and new, that's not how marriage works. You take the good with the bad, not just the good and when it gets bad he runs away. I'm so lost with if this is real life drugs (our money being gone) or if this is limerence? or both? I dont know why it even matters. but I"m just trying to make any sense of this unfair and nonsense situation.

BearlyBreathing posted 9/1/2020 22:43 PM

Sending hugs, RS. You know NC works, so get back on that horse. And only talk kids and finances.

Have you talked to a lawyer? If he is spending your marital assets, you will get that money back. Knowledge is power, so get to a couple lawyers and learn what you need to know. (And track finances carefully, keep copies of everything someplace he cannot get them ó you need to protect yourself and your kids.)

Heís truly following the cheaterís handbook- they make us out to be the problem so they can justify their shitty behavior. Donít believe it.

Right now, protect your finances, take care of yourself, and donít worry about what others think (easier said than done, I know). Those that matter will know the truth.

As for the healing time, it does take time. But you donít stay in the same level of painó you have more good days, fewer bad days. And NC really does help. (Not bashingówe all broke NC a few times.... it happens, just go back to it right away. I kept a list of his horrible behavior nearby to remind me so I didnít start to believe his words when actions didnít match).

Iím sorry heís such a jerk. (And he will be the laughing stock with the child heís with- let him be a fool.)

Hang in there.

The1stWife posted 9/3/2020 03:43 AM

I am so sorry for your pain. He would not be the first person to cheat after having a baby. It seems to be somewhat of a pattern with some people.

Itís like they freak out on the inside of being a parent. And then they act out. Whether drinking or drugs or cheating - they just go off the deep end and become someone completely different. How sad.

I strongly recommend professional counseling for you. To work through this traumatic experience. You need support. You need nit be facing this alone.

You can see now you cannot trust his words. He wants to reconcile but his actions state otherwise. Stop listening to him. Just focus on his choices and behavior. That will tell you the truth about his intent.

Honestly I think you donít need to be raising two children. Heís not a man. Heís a spoiled child in a manís body. Thatís why he gets along with this 19 year old idiot OW.

I strongly urge you to see a lawyer to at least get child support set up now. If the OW gets pregnant then youíll have another issue to face. Child support now is based on his salary. And one child. You donít want to be in a battle with his salary and two children.

Last I suggest you stop speaking to him. No contact except via text message and I my about $ and child.

Most cheating spouses are mean and cruel to their betrayed spouse. They use it to justify their behavior and blame the spouse for their affair. Itís typical cheater behavior by the way.

Please keep posting here so we can support you.

And please enjoy every second of your new baby. Hugs to you!

BobPar posted 9/4/2020 11:03 AM

The hurt and the pain are unbelievable. I'm sorry your are going through this Resilient Soul
It seems like your WH has done his best to strip you of all security. Emotional and financial. That is a really hard place to be.

I keep trying to figure him out.

You won't be able to and will need to focus on you. It is so hard not to do the pickme dance. I liked Melanie Beattie books to learn how to turn my focus to "me". If you can even concentrate enough to read. At 4 mos, it is pretty hard to focus for very long.

He said he wanted to have more time to think about it...I felt like a side chick.

Trust your gut. You are worth so much more and you are fresh in the hurt of abandonment, so you can't see it.

How do I move on from the pain?

Baby steps. The waves are huge right now but they get smaller and less intense with time. You grow stronger too. Like working out emotional muscles, they get stronger. It takes time.
Focus on self care, journal, exercise, vent on SI, seek IC, family if they are helpful, feel what you feel and release those emotions rather than trying to suppress them. Survive.

I'm not worth it? He has rewritten history, telling everyone we had a terrible marriage where we would fight for over a year, which isn't true.

He said he wanted more time to think. It isn't that he doesn't want you, it is that he wants more/extra. There is nothing wrong with you. Look up Melanie Beattie. I liked daily devotional type books of hers and others just to have specific thoughts for the day.

But I can't do the work for him.

As hard as it is, you need to help you. To turn your focus away from your WH. Detach/180/set boundaries.

Lalagirl posted 9/4/2020 11:53 AM

If he is spending your marital assets, you will get that money back.

This is true, but you need to see a lawyer post-haste or he won't have the money to pay you back since he is spending it all on the OW.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. The best thing to get started on easing that hurt is NC (except for baby/finances and that can be done via email) and getting your power back - feeling powerless is terrible. Seeing an attorney and getting things rolling will help you with this.

Sending hugs and strength,


The1stWife posted 9/4/2020 15:11 PM

You need child support and alimony in place (even temporary) ASAP.

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