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Divorce/Separation :
book recommendation: surviving after H moves in with AP

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 Tinnat (original poster member #71605) posted at 12:57 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Can anyone recommend a good book which advises on how to come to terms with the fact that your H moves in with his long-term AP after dithering for 3 years?

I am divorcing him and am relieved to be finally free of the limbo he put me in while he sat on the fence. But I am struggling to process certain things, such as how we could have reached this situation after 24 years together during which we agreed on almost everything, how he has rewritten history to tell friends that "we had drifted apart", how 3 weeks ago he told me he and AP are too different, and how he told me that with me he knows what true love is, and how he still would like me to be his best friend (a big no no for me). Perhaps I am looking for answers I will never be able to find.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019   ·   location: Europe
id 8582672
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 1:51 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

I’m sorry you’re struggling. Try “The Journey from abandonment to healing” by Susan Anderson. It is really good, I got it on Audible and I listen to it whilst jogging.

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1857   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: UK
id 8582691
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99problems ( member #59373) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Second the book recommendation. It is a worthwhile read.

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1010   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8582770
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 Tinnat (original poster member #71605) posted at 7:18 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

Thanks to both! I ordered it and it will arrive tomorrow, in time for my first weekend alone while the kids are with the love couple!

posts: 52   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019   ·   location: Europe
id 8582933
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:36 PM on Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

No contact or the most minimal contact is my suggestion.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14748   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8583021
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 Tinnat (original poster member #71605) posted at 11:27 AM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Thank you, 1stWife. I am not starting any contact with him. When he reaches out to me for practical issues, or he comes to the house because my younger kid asked him to and he goes straight up to her room, I feel unwell. Like I'm being sucked into his vortex again.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2019   ·   location: Europe
id 8583257
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:03 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Don’t even try to win the “I had a better reason to divorce” competition. For one because it can’t be won and secondly nobody really cares. Divorce has this effect that some friends will remain friends, others will distance themselves. That’s totally fine. Brad – your ex husbands former dorm-mate – might be fun, but chances are he and his wife won’t be inviting you for the same parties your ex and his new “happiness”. If Brad believes his friend explanation of drifting apart… well… it won’t impact your world in any way.

Just stick to the truth: We divorced because he was cheating. Yes we had issues just like all marriages after 24 years, but his insistence on cheating was the reason we couldn’t resolve them.

Book to read? Don’t have a clue. Go do something empowering. Find a motivational speaker and get sparked up.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 13181   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8583367
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thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 4:24 PM on Friday, September 4th, 2020

Don’t even try to win the “I had a better reason to divorce” competition. For one because it can’t be won and secondly nobody really cares.

While this is true, I would also be honest. If people ask, just tell them your H wanted to have sex with other women and did so without regard for you, the marriage, the family or children. And let it sit right there without further comment. Like a surgeon telling a family their husband/father died on the operating table.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 10:25 AM, September 4th (Friday)]

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4480   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8583389
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