Tinnat posted 9/3/2020 06:57 AM

Can anyone recommend a good book which advises on how to come to terms with the fact that your H moves in with his long-term AP after dithering for 3 years?

I am divorcing him and am relieved to be finally free of the limbo he put me in while he sat on the fence. But I am struggling to process certain things, such as how we could have reached this situation after 24 years together during which we agreed on almost everything, how he has rewritten history to tell friends that "we had drifted apart", how 3 weeks ago he told me he and AP are too different, and how he told me that with me he knows what true love is, and how he still would like me to be his best friend (a big no no for me). Perhaps I am looking for answers I will never be able to find.

Luna10 posted 9/3/2020 07:51 AM

I’m sorry you’re struggling. Try “The Journey from abandonment to healing” by Susan Anderson. It is really good, I got it on Audible and I listen to it whilst jogging.

99problems posted 9/3/2020 09:36 AM

Second the book recommendation. It is a worthwhile read.

Tinnat posted 9/3/2020 13:18 PM

Thanks to both! I ordered it and it will arrive tomorrow, in time for my first weekend alone while the kids are with the love couple!

The1stWife posted 9/3/2020 15:36 PM

No contact or the most minimal contact is my suggestion.

Tinnat posted 9/4/2020 05:27 AM

Thank you, 1stWife. I am not starting any contact with him. When he reaches out to me for practical issues, or he comes to the house because my younger kid asked him to and he goes straight up to her room, I feel unwell. Like I'm being sucked into his vortex again.

Bigger posted 9/4/2020 10:03 AM

Don’t even try to win the “I had a better reason to divorce” competition. For one because it can’t be won and secondly nobody really cares. Divorce has this effect that some friends will remain friends, others will distance themselves. That’s totally fine. Brad – your ex husbands former dorm-mate – might be fun, but chances are he and his wife won’t be inviting you for the same parties your ex and his new “happiness”. If Brad believes his friend explanation of drifting apart… well… it won’t impact your world in any way.
Just stick to the truth: We divorced because he was cheating. Yes we had issues just like all marriages after 24 years, but his insistence on cheating was the reason we couldn’t resolve them.

Book to read? Don’t have a clue. Go do something empowering. Find a motivational speaker and get sparked up.

thatbpguy posted 9/4/2020 10:24 AM

Don’t even try to win the “I had a better reason to divorce” competition. For one because it can’t be won and secondly nobody really cares.

While this is true, I would also be honest. If people ask, just tell them your H wanted to have sex with other women and did so without regard for you, the marriage, the family or children. And let it sit right there without further comment. Like a surgeon telling a family their husband/father died on the operating table.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 10:25 AM, September 4th (Friday)]