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I need someone to read me the Riot Act Now!

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

thisIstMe posted 9/14/2020 17:43 PM

Ok, I'm pathetic! I need someone to speak some good solid sense to this idiot!

I found out on Saturday that my ex wife (divorced April this year) is having sex with two different men! I've been totally gutted since Saturday... but WHY???? What the hell is my problem ?

I go from being jealous to feeling like I want to protect her to feeling so down and then imagining the sex... OMG, I make myself sick!

Ok, I'm ready... both barrels please!

Countingsheep65 posted 9/14/2020 18:06 PM


Your not pathetic,

I think I would feel the same way, hmmm... maybe not since I donít know if he likes women or men. If he was with a woman, then I think I would get jilted a bit, not sure why though, but, if he was with a man, it would be just discuss for me.

Must be something that gets better with time?

Itís the mind movies going on in your head.

This0is0Fine posted 9/14/2020 18:12 PM

She isn't your problem anymore. Let her go.

Easier said than done of course. You'll get over her eventually.

Chili posted 9/14/2020 18:24 PM

Ok - here's one barrel:

I found out on Saturday

So how did you find out? Who is it in your life that seems to know about the bedroom of your ex wife? And if it is someone who told you that - why are they telling you about it? Or did you go looking for it? What needs to happen for you to shut it down?

This is what some folks around here call pain shopping - I'll call it crazy-making. So first - stop the information flow wherever it's coming from. I know you think there's a part of you that wants to know, but seriously - there's nothing good for you in monitoring her sex life. It's information with zero benefit.

I mean look at all the responses this knowledge incited in you...protecting her? From what exactly? From herself?

So what have you got going on in your new beginnings that you can focus on? A new hobby? Learning something new? A remodeling project? Press pause on the tape playing in your head and get busy doing something just for you.

thisIstMe posted 9/14/2020 18:51 PM

Chili, thank you... that's exactly what the doctor ordered.

So how did you find out? Who is it in your life that seems to know about the bedroom of your ex wife? And if it is someone who told you that - why are they telling you about it? Or did you go looking for it? What needs to happen for you to shut it down?

So she stays at the family house until it gets sold, I have a ring camera on the front door and I saw her AP hang out at my house one day when I had taken the kids on holiday. Yes, it is my fault for looking... I can't deny that I was but I regretted it the moment I saw them together. The camera has been neutralized since.

The second time she tells my 17 year old daughter "So I'm going on a date tonight, I'm meeting him at 2am at a military museum... I should be home around 4am". My daughter was so distraught by this information she asked me to get her a therapist. I asked my ex to please be more discreet. So this in and of itself isn't proof, although it kinda is. Last Saturday she confirmed it by accident, it's a long story but it was an accident that the information came out.

But having said that all, yes it does appear to be 'pain shopping' and I know I have to stop. I know it's ridiculous... because, of course it is. I just don't know how to make it stop... time maybe ? You know what's interesting, for about 4 weeks before that I was feeling so great, so strong and positive.... but I knew it had to end, and here we are.

protecting her? From what exactly? From herself?

I have looked after her for over 25 years, I think it is my natural instinct. Yes, protect her from herself. It is going to take time to beat this out of me... but it has to go.

phmh posted 9/14/2020 18:55 PM

Chili took the words out of my mouth.

The riot act you need is the one of No Contact.

No Contact = No New Hurts

Contact includes hearing things from other people.

Contact includes any googling/social media stalking (unfriend if you still are connected there).

I promise you that your future will be so much better when you can detach. She's got to become somebody that you used to know. If you were to hear about an acquaintance who was acting like your WXW, you'd pity her but it wouldn't impact you so much. You need to get to that point. NC will help.

NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC

99problems posted 9/14/2020 21:10 PM

My stbxww has been having sex with a man since April too!
I got separated and filed in July...
And this is AP # 10.
My 7 yo has already asked me if he is her new stepdad. And he lives in my old house.
You're not an idiot.
I, on the other hand, may have earned my forum name honestly.

[This message edited by Idiotmcstupid at 9:14 PM, September 14th, 2020 (Monday)]

Chili posted 9/14/2020 21:57 PM

Yeah - that detaching stuff is really hard - but it's literally what saved me so I'm a huge cheerleader for it around here. NC = No Contact and eventually = Not Caring (about any of that BS at least).

I'm glad you shut down the Ring - I'd also have a hand up ready to shut down those things that "accidentally" come out of her mouth. (I surely wouldn't have any desire to hear about some nutty adolescent hook-up at a military museum in the middle of the night either.)

One thing that helped me was to adopt a haughty attitude of being above such drama. Assclown would try and push through NC with something to get my attention and I would put on an air of not having time for such childish and petty stupidity. (I know it drove him nuts to be dismissed so it was also kind of affirming as well).

Someone would try and tell me something about what he and AP were doing on social media and I'd laugh and be uninterested and say something like "I have much more interesting things going on now like ______. Let me tell you about it."

If your 17 year-old tells you something - breezily give a non-committal response and use it as a moment to model emotionally mature behavior vs. the crap her Mom doles out. And keep right on moving.

It takes a lot of practice. Don't get me wrong - I faked my detachment long before it finally took. Remember though - the people you have to protect now are yourself and your kids.

So...what is your much more interesting thing going on?

thisIstMe posted 9/15/2020 07:18 AM

Thanks everyone for your support.

Man, when you're feeling down everything gets you down!

Yes I need to do the NC, I know that and I am better at it than I was but not near good enough.

No Contact = No New Hurts

phmh, yes you're right.

Idiotmcstupid, no I am the stupid one! haha, actually I think we're all trying to get through this in our own way. I think we'll all get there one way or another.

So...what is your much more interesting thing going on?

I don't actually know, for about 4 months I was doing alot of exercising and lost alot of weight... I'm not sure if this is what I would call an 'interest'. I know that I am a social person and need other people around me, I think I need to find a group or something... but I'm not sure. It's confusing.

What I know 100% is that I don't want to be in a new relationship, I texted with a woman for about a week and went to see her... that was very flattering and got my mind out of my own head for a while... but that comes with a whole list of other problems that I can't take on right now. I need to sort myself out first.

Catwoman posted 9/15/2020 07:23 AM

Everyone else has given you some great advice: work on detaching (it tends to be a conscious effort) and invest in yourself.

What are your hobbies? What are things you might have put aside during your marriage that you might want to take up again? I know I joined a professional singing group shortly after my ex left and I've really gotten a lot out of that. I also recently joined a gun club and have taken up shooting, which I enjoyed as a child. I'm also active with dog sports (competitive obedience and such). Outlets like this give you opportunities to be around people and to enjoy social interaction. I highly recommend you find a few things like this to do and you'll be amazed at how much fun you can have.

Cat

PS: What responsible parent goes out at 2 a.m. with kids at home? Yes, I realize your daughter is older, but still . . . .

thisIstMe posted 9/15/2020 07:38 AM

Catwoman,

PS: What responsible parent goes out at 2 a.m. with kids at home?

Thank you! That is what I was thinking too but wondered if I was being too much of a prude... it's just weird.

Chili called it a

nutty adolescent hook-up at a military museum in the middle of the night
and that is perfect too... it is adolescent!

I've heard of a Ho Phase that some woman go through after divorce and I guess that is what she's doing. It is hurtful and in some ways tarnishes the shine we had on our 24 year marriage.

[This message edited by thisIstMe at 11:19 AM, September 15th (Tuesday)]

LadyG posted 9/15/2020 14:55 PM

I envy you for getting that divorce in April.

If my STBXWH was having sex with 2 different people, I would like to know how much the sex cost, so my lawyer can ensure it comes out of his share of our financial settlement.

Consider yourself fortunate. I paid $$$ dearly for the last A.

And for the record, my WH is regretting involving our DS in his last A. Whatever little respect our children had for their father has been forever lost.

phmh posted 9/15/2020 20:49 PM

If you're having difficulty with NC (and I remember having trouble with that - he was my go to person and wanted to get back together - without meeting my R requirements including a post-nup that came into play if he cheated again - so when I would reach out, I'd get hopeful and just hurt even more) -- positive reinforcement is a great way to do this.

Grab a calendar and put a star in every day that you maintain NC. Once you have a streak going, you'll want to keep it up. Give yourself rewards for certain milestones - things that are rewarding to you. For me, I'd do things like 7 days in a row = new running shoes, 2 weeks = favorite beer that I ration since it's hard to find, etc. Pretty soon it becomes second nature and you want to keep the streak of NC going.

In my case, a friend mentioned that she saw my WXH's (distinctive) last name as a doctor at a hospital in a town about 90 minutes away when her husband was in the hospital and she asked me if that could be WXH. Last I heard, around the time of my divorce, was that he was working in a city about 4 hours away. It felt great to honestly tell her that I have no idea as I haven't had any contact, including looking him up online since summer 2012 after we sold the house.

With kids, you'll likely have to have some sort of contact, but the less contact you have, the faster you will heal, and the sooner you can start on your amazing life.

betrayedafter20 posted 9/16/2020 20:02 PM

Yeah - that detaching stuff is really hard - but it's literally what saved me so I'm a huge cheerleader for it around here. NC = No Contact and eventually = Not Caring (about any of that BS at least).

THIS ^^^^ Seriously. It is hard at first and then what happens is when you step in it again - and you probably will - you will realize how bad you feel compared to how you were feeling during NC - then each time more time goes by before there is that bad feeling.

I found myself doing the drive-by this week and last. Trying to catch the FAP's car at his place, or vice versa. It's hard because when I drop off the kids he and FAP are on the same side of town so I keep wondering if they are together again and what days/nights they are visiting each other. and I do some shopping at some stores out that way. So of course when I'm shopping I take the very out of the way "on the way" drive by way.

today I stopped myself. I mean, what is the point - except to cause myself more pain.

It takes some discipline - divert your mind somehow..

thisIstMe posted 9/17/2020 07:52 AM

Hey everyone, thank you for the suggestion of NC. I must admit that I thought I was doing ok with that but maybe I'm not.

My ex likes to text me and I find it a little intrusive, because her name can pop up on my phone at any given moment and I don't like that. Yesterday I said I would only be communicating to her via email (which is slightly better than texts in my opinion) and I blocked her number. Boy, she hit the roof saying that she hardly checks her mails and that we need to communicate for the kids and the house etc. I said I would unblock her but I'm not sure whether I should ?

For a month a while ago we hardly communicated and it was great, but then my brain started thinking about my lovely wife that I married 24 years ago and we had all that fun for so many years... I forgot the she has transformed into a vapid bitch. So NC can do 2 things, make you sad for the person you lost because you kinda forget she's nuts now... and then the other thing is eventually indifference. I think these two go hand in hand and over time the one increases while the other decreases.

Anyway, what other tips do you have regarding NC ?

Catwoman posted 9/17/2020 07:56 AM

Anyway, what other tips do you have regarding NC ?

Set your ex's ring tone and message alert to crickets chirping to remind you that you don't need to respond right away unless it is an emergency.

Start visualizing her as an empty well. You can dip that bucket thousands of times, but there's not going to be any water there. Your choice is to spend time at the empty well (not recommended) or find another well that offers you the water you're looking for. This doesn't mean dating, necessarily, but it's more about having a mindset that there isn't anything there for you with her and that you need to go out and find what is there for you, such as healthy hobbies and activities.

Cat

paboy posted 9/17/2020 13:15 PM

Hi thisis... Just caught up on this thread. So glad realizing it was you and that you are still around, although feeling for you as well.

Unfortunately, it is going to take time.

You can only build up walls to protect you, and distractions, until you are up and running again.

Some times all you can do is grab your coat tails and hang on.
Your goal has always been to get out of infidelity. Unfortunately, the woman that you knew is shrouded in it.

NC what so ever. None. Zilch. Until you can stand firm, if she needs any contact, make it through someone else.

She is still cake eating. That is who she is.

crazyblindsided posted 9/17/2020 15:05 PM

Set your ex's ring tone and message alert to crickets chirping to remind you that you don't need to respond right away unless it is an emergency.

Love this idea I'm stealing!

(((thisIstMe))) NC is your friend. My STBX is blocked on all social media. I don't have him blocked on the phone since that's how he communicates with me about the kids, but he also uses it to complain or berate me, which I am getting better at ignoring. I have to learn to get to a point where I don't read the whole wall of text from him I usually delete those kinds of messages immediately!

betrayedafter20 posted 9/17/2020 15:58 PM

Boy, she hit the roof saying that she hardly checks her mails and that we need to communicate for the kids and the house etc
I do agree with this. So make a rule, only answer specific questions, with one or two words addressing only what you need.

Ironically - this is what my WH was doing the last year we were together, and does it even more now that we are separated. it drove me crazy.

I am definitely more conversational out of habit despite the separation. IT annoys me, and always has - but it IS effective. I will just get an "OK", "yes" or "no" or "lets talk about it later" I tend to be discouraged from addressing anything too personal now because I don't get the response I am looking for.. usually it was pain shopping anyway.

Now and then I will make a comment concerning the kids or house or business or something that only he would understand.. its amicable enough that he sometimes will respond. But as minimal as it is, if I start getting involved in a conversation -then on another day he doesn't respond, I'm assuming he must be with or near FAP - or something else that might be a trigger. So I'm learning - it's really best - for all - just keep it to bare minimum exchange of the facts. what you don't know won't hurt you, in this case?

the last year when he was distant in the texts - I didn't stop - because I was still trying to save the marriage and keep things good and light between us. I think since I stopped -he is noticing, and he seems more awkward around me in person at the drop offs. He's so used to my groveling for a scrap - this is a suprise behavior for me - it's hurting his feelings (ego?)

Its better - there's no minefields in the topics
NO CONTACT - NO NEW HURTS.

betrayedafter20 posted 9/17/2020 16:00 PM

Set your ex's ring tone and message alert to crickets chirping to remind you that you don't need to respond right away unless it is an emergency.

I'm stealing this too - except we usually only communicate through text so i think I can do it there too.

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