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I need someone to read me the Riot Act Now!

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src9043 posted 9/17/2020 20:08 PM

If there are no children, there is no reason for contact. Don't follow what she is doing. Concentrate on your life. Take the attitude that she is dead. Unfortunately, my ex-wife and I have a child (he is now grown and has children of his own). 35 years later, I act as if her actions during our marriage are no longer a concern of mine. But, I still bear the scars, partially because I can't completely remove her from my reality because of family connections. I truly despise her but I continue to keep it to myself except when I vent to my girlfriend when the ex does something stupid and hurtful.

src9043 posted 9/17/2020 20:12 PM

[This message edited by src9043 at 8:13 PM, September 17th (Thursday)]

blahblahblahe posted 9/17/2020 20:36 PM

Change her name on your phone to something. Wackjob, Nutjob, Doorknob or Rimjob....your choice.

Ringtones can be something amusing as well...

Perhaps a Santa Claus jingle....HO-HO-HO.

Also, seriously whatever she wants (ie telling you to unblock her) doesn't matter any longer, she has no residual value to your life.

paboy posted 9/18/2020 04:23 AM

Hi thisis.. heck I thought you had moved on. Was pleased to see this thread although feeling for you.

The sooner you are able to cut all cords to her, the better you are going to be. Remind her that she fired you, when ever she tries or wants to make contact.

Unfortunately, your story is a tragedy for you and your family.

The best remedy is to live the best you can. Let that be your legacy. Set new goals that will stretch you, and rebuild.This is the legacy to leave your children.

thisIstMe posted 9/18/2020 07:15 AM

Hi paboy, great to be chatting with you again... you've really helped me on my journey.

I'm realizing that no matter how many times I try to tell her that 'she fired me' or that she ruined a beautiful family or 'how can you treat someone who loved you so much so badly'... and many many other things... none of it goes into her head. She turns everything around and tries to blame me for everything, which makes absolutely no sense. I guess she needs to be the hero of her story and she justifies it by saying to herself (and to me out loud once) "I'm a very good person, but I've done this bad thing, but I'm a good person and it can't be me, it must be you that caused this to happen".

I think you get true peace only once you are completely indifferent to everything that has happened and to the other party involved, but that is going to take a while. There are periods where I have no contact at all and it's great but then my brain goes back to how she was, not how she is and I want to protect her and the memory... but she's changed now. It is just going to take time for everything to get aligned.

Anyway, there are great days and really shitty days but for the most part I've been moving on well and adjusting to my new circumstances well.

KingofNothing posted 9/18/2020 07:18 AM

"So I'm going on a date tonight, I'm meeting him at 2am at a military museum... I should be home around 4am".

Well, on a guess I'd say your daughter is traumatized because that HAS to be the dumbest excuse for meeting a guy to bone him on record.

What event happens at 2AM in a military museum? And lasts until 4AM? Come on.. really?

In any case, your wife's social life isn't your business. You divorced her for a reason, she is only proving that reason after the fact, repeatedly, now. Let it go. Let her go.. let go of the person who hurt you.

thisIstMe posted 9/18/2020 07:52 AM

Let it go. Let her go.. let go of the person who hurt you.

True, I am trying. It is a process and I don't know if anyone gets it right straight away. I think as long as you know what the end result should be you are going to eventually be able to free yourself.

redwing6 posted 9/20/2020 06:02 AM

It takes time...that's all. My 1st wife was and is a mess. She cheated on me at least 10-12 different men, that I KNOW of...her 2nd Husband at lesat 30 diff men, and her 3rd 10+...she lives in a small southern state capital, and I still have friends there, so I usually end up hearing who the flavor of the week is, even though it's been 28 years since we were married.

For the 1st 5 years, I got angry...then one day, I simply didn't give a fuck any more what she did. Since our daughter is 31 (wife poisoned that well pretty thoroughly, so I never speak or see her any more) I haven't spoken to her in more than 10 years. Probably never will. It just takes time.

thisIstMe posted 11/2/2020 08:29 AM

I did it again guys, I did 'pain shopping' and I am right back here!

The problem is that I had NC for about 6 weeks and it was marvelous but then we had to meet last week Wednesday to sign a contract on the house with the buyers. After that I was a mess and then checked the ring app on Saturday morning and there she was with the AP (that broke up our family) ... he stayed until 3am. Why the hell am I such an idiot for
1. Reinstalling the ring app
2. Looking for this pain
Anyway I have deleted it again... and from experience if I have NC this pain will last 3 more days.

Look, I know I am an idiot for doing this. I know it! I know she loves knowing that I am in pain over her.

But, on the bright side, the intervals I have between pain is getting bigger. This time it was 6 weeks and before that it was 4 weeks. So NC really works... but this pain really sucks.

Chili posted 11/2/2020 10:03 AM

Oh boy. Well falling off the horse does happen. But you've got to dust yourself off and get back on again.

I don't know if you addressed this, but are you in IC? I ask because it might help to look at this:

I get seeing her in person was a huge trigger. Couldn't be helped as part of the process. But what was it about that meeting that made you hook the Ring back up and start looking again? The question is: what were you hoping to find? And how does what you found help your healing in any way?

Looking at your own "whys" can be helpful to change your behavior.

For me, having any kind of knowledge (especially since he never gave me any details about his AP including who she was) allowed me to feel a bit more in control of my own world. I hated being in the dark. I wanted to know what was happening to my own life.

One of the things that helped me stop searching was to imagine all of the worst case, crazy scenarios that I could and assume that was what was happening. And now, so what? Yep - he's still a trainwreck and I need to move on no matter what he's doing in his life.

That whole Ring thing? You need to not just suspend access but delete the whole damn thing - password - whatever. It's like peeking in the window or hiding in the bushes all the time. You don't want to be that guy do you?

(And if it's any consolation, I doubt she thinks much about your pain one way or the other. She might be getting a hit off of you still giving a shit about her - so take away that source of ego kibbles).

thisIstMe posted 11/2/2020 10:31 AM

are you in IC?
No, my experience with therapists is really bad, I can't find a good one and when I did have IC all I got was "you got to work on yourself".

But what was it about that meeting that made you hook the Ring back up and start looking again? The question is: what were you hoping to find? And how does what you found help your healing in any way?
I actually installed it before this past weekend, I have no idea what I am hoping to find. I kid myself in saying I installed it to see what potential house buyers are saying about the house when they leave but I know that's not completely true.

That whole Ring thing?
Yes I know! I know! I really know! I think the bottom line is that healing is not linear and it is a ever widening scale of pain and relief.

so take away that source of ego kibbles
Yes, I know I need to do this

The1stWife posted 11/2/2020 10:53 AM

This takes time.

Time to heal.

Time to accept the reality of it all.

Time to detach from her.

Time to stop caring about her.

Time to stop watching her make mistakes and poor choices.

DevastatedDee posted 11/2/2020 11:15 AM

This will get better. At this point, I could see my XWH having sex with someone in my front yard and just go "eh, gross, get off my lawn". NC leads to detaching leads to clarity leads to losing feelings for that person and concentrating on your own new life.

crazyblindsided posted 11/2/2020 11:55 AM

At this point, I could see my XWH having sex with someone in my front yard and just go "eh, gross, get off my lawn". NC leads to detaching leads to clarity leads to losing feelings for that person and concentrating on your own new life.

I'm at this point too, but have had many years detaching. One day you won't care at all. I feel more sorry for who the next victim will be.

blahblahblahe posted 11/2/2020 12:15 PM

Use this information as confirmation of what (type of person) she is and always has been.

You do not need the riot act read to you, you however need to place it in the context of her character and this situation.

You have what you have been seeking by using the RING app, you wanted to know what she was doing, now you know (and have known for some time). You are not insane, she didn't make a mistake, she is not a good person as she claimed. She is a person of questionable character that destroyed your family.

You may safely now assign any derogatory title you wish to her in your own mind and accord her that value level.

thisIstMe posted 11/2/2020 12:46 PM

Thanks everyone for responding.

Time, I think I need time and space.

GotTheShaft posted 11/2/2020 13:01 PM

ThisIsMe, sorry you're struggling with this. I'm in a similar situation where a girlfriend I've been dating for the past 2-1/2 years broke up with me suddenly a couple months ago and didn't want to discuss it. I don't think there was infidelity, but sometimes that makes it worse, as I just don't understand what happened.

Anyway, another person on this site recommended podcasts from Lucia Art of Love, and the podcasts really explain no contact and other dating/relationship dynamics. You might find them helpful? Just google "Lucia Art of Love podcasts" and you will find them.

I haven't been able to detach after 2 months. In some ways, detaching from my exWW was easier, but at least the podcasts helped me cope and understand some things.

HFSSC posted 11/2/2020 13:12 PM

when I did have IC all I got was "you got to work on yourself".

I'm not sure how to interpret this. My first reaction was, "Well, duh! It's individual counseling and that's the whole point, to work on yourself."

Are you saying the counselor literally just told you to work on yourself without giving you any guidance as to how that would be accomplished? Or were you hoping that counseling for you would somehow fix your XW or make it all stop hurting?

thisIstMe posted 11/2/2020 13:45 PM

HFSSC, when I went to therapy I would talk about what was going on and all I ever got was "You need to work on yourself now, do you have any hobbies ? what about golf?"... also "You need to concentrate on yourself, what do you like doing ?". After about 4 sessions of going through this exact same scenario I decided to not go back. I then tried to look for a 'better' therapist and was not able to.

I am also very skeptical about therapists because right after I found out about the A I arranged a MC session and the marriage counselor and my WW became friends and are now facebook friends (which to me seems unprofessional). Everything the counselor said in the beginning sessions (before they were friends) she took back and denied saying in subsequent sessions when she had IC sessions with my WW. My WW then threw that back in my face saying "The therapist said that she didn't say that, you said that to her and she never said that!".

So to me good therapists are rare and are mostly not helpful.

Phoenix1 posted 11/2/2020 14:29 PM

It takes a lot of the four letter word - time - to detach emotionally, but it takes effort as well. You WILL slip up here and there. We all have. When it happens you recognize it for what it is and get right back to NC. Eventually those fails will become fewer and fewer. Be patient and don't be so hard on yourself. It happens.

I made Xhole's ringtone and text notification tone the sound of a braying donkey, because that's what he is - an obnoxious ass. Doing that makes me laugh out loud every time it goes off (which hasn't happened for almost two years now).

But here's the thing. Don't TELL her what you are going to do, i.e., "I will only respond to emergency situations or other required issues." Just DO IT. With some of these entitled assholes you need to teach them how it is going to be because they won't listen to words. You saw that when your ex flipped after telling her you were blocking her. Okay, so you can unblock her, set her notification tone to something that makes you laugh (or remind you to ignore), and never respond right away unless it is a true emergency. Let her wait. Then give only one word answers to pertinent questions, or the barest of response if more is needed. If you keep this up, she will eventually understand how it is going to go. You don't need her permission or approval to respond this way. You are not cutting off important communication. Rather, you are keeping it to the absolute minimum. Let her bitch and moan about it. It's not your problem, it's hers. Just DO it!

All the other info about pain shopping, yeah, cut it off. Focus on yourself and your kids.

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