"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Dawnly20 posted 9/22/2020 21:35 PM

I have been with the same man on and off for ten years. We have had anything but an easy going relationship. We have 2 daughters together. We have been married and divorced. When I divorced him I moved back to my hometown. He would come visit most weekends and some during the week. That's when I got pregnant with our second daughter. I asked him to move in with us but he refused and so things stayed that way with him just visiting. We went on a family vacation and thats when I found out he was with another woman and was living with her. I was heart broken that he gave some other woman what I had been begging him for. Things got really bad between us after that and I started seeing another man. Up until I found out about this woman we had still been intimate with eachother. About 4 months into this he told me he wanted his family more than anything and wanted to work things out. I quit seeing the man I had been with and solely focused on our family. He moved in with us and everything was great until a YEAR later the same woman he was seeing before he came back told me he never quit taking to her the entire damn year and they had also continued to be intimate. She had screenshots for proof. I kicked him out and within a week I let him come back with the promise of this being our last shot at saving our family. He let's me see phone logs and his phone anytime I ask. He put a tracker on his phone so I can see where he is at anytime I want to. I still just can't shake the feeling of that I'm still being played. I feel like I am being blind by the thought of keeping my family together. I just want some honest opinions from people who might help me have some better insight to all this shit.

Chrysalis123 posted 9/23/2020 09:20 AM

I kicked him out and within a week I let him come back with the promise of this being our last shot at saving our family.

I still just can't shake the feeling of that I'm still being played.

Welcome. I am glad you found us. From what I read all he did was offer you empty words. Where are the actions?

You feel like you are being played because he is still manipulating you. He did so for years. Not only did he deliberately manipulate you, he risked your life and did not tell you through having sex with another person. He stole time and resources and he deliberately lied to you over and over.

Just because he lets you see the phone logs doesn't mean he doesn't have a burner phone. In fact, with his track record I would bet on it.

He knows you will let him back again and again no matter how abusively he behaves.. Last time you lasted one week.

So, the work needs to be for you because we cannot control others. He's shown you again and again through behavior he is not trustworthy.

The question I have is:

Why do you want to stay with a man that is not trustworthy?

Dawnly20 posted 9/23/2020 12:52 PM

Honestly I guess because I have never seen myself with anyone else. I want my girls to have their dad and I am also afraid that if I make him leave he won't stay in their lives. As I am writing this I understand how ridiculous this sounds but that doesn't change the fact that I do love him and I want this to work out. I do believe people can change and my hope is that he will truly choose this family and change his ways.

nekonamida posted 9/23/2020 14:36 PM

Honestly I guess because I have never seen myself with anyone else.

Isn't it a little sad that you can't imagine yourself with someone who treats you with respect and dignity? That you can only picture your life with this man that treats you like you're disposable? Don't you deserve better? Don't you deserve a faithful, healthy partner that you can have a long, unbroken future with? If you can't picture being with someone who is good for you and your daughters, get an IC and explore why you don't think you deserve more than this.

I want my girls to have their dad and I am also afraid that if I make him leave he won't stay in their lives.

First, you have no control over this. He could leave you for the next OW and walk out on them entirely and you will not be able to do a thing about it. It will be sad if he does that BUT it is not your responsibility to force him to be a father when he doesn't want to be. All you can do is model what a good parent looks like and part of that is showing your daughters what to look for in partner and what a good marriage looks like. Do you want them to marry a man like your husband? Do you want them to pine after a man who mistreats them and plays with their feelings the way your husband does to you? One who cheats on them? If not, you're not doing them any favors by keeping him around because you are normalizing his mistreatment of you.

I do believe people can change and my hope is that he will truly choose this family and change his ways.

We all believe that people can change despite every single one of us having infidelity personally touch our lives in some ways. The vast majority of us have been in your shoes. But we know that just because someone CAN change doesn't mean they WILL change. You can't force him to change. He has to change because he wants to and if this is just another thing he does to keep you around a little bit longer until he finds a new OW then he's probably never going to change.

What we can tell you is policing him, tracking him, and checking up on him feels good but it doesn't work in the long run. He can get a second phone. He can take the tracker off and tell you it stopped working. He can simply refuse to allow you access anymore and you will be finding out about a new OW in no time. What does work is if he gets into IC and genuinely wants to stop being a liar and a cheat. He has to genuinely want the next 10 years with you to be ON and not ON/OFF because there is NOTHING stable and good about a long term on/off relationship. It means you've got a lot of problems that are serious enough to keep breaking up over and you're not resolving them if you keep breaking up over them. If you keep breaking up because he isn't faithful, he has to be the one to work so much harder this time around otherwise he will go back to finding new OW because it's familiar and he knows you're just going to take him back afterwards. He has no incentive to change if you keep taking him back. So make this THE absolute last chance and make it known - No more slip ups. No contact with this OW, all previous OW, and no flirting/personal chats with any potential future OW PERIOD. And if he breaks that rule, he's out for good.

The1stWife posted 9/23/2020 22:40 PM

He will only change if he wants to. Not because you want him to.

He’s gotten away with everything for too long. He may still be cheating. The fact that you question it is the issue.

You deserve better.