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Off Topic :
Were any of these your Lawyer?

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 totallydumb (original poster member #66269) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

I was recently sent this by a friend of mine who, in the past was a court reporter.

Hopefully none of us have had the misfortune of having one of these "professionals" represent us.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________ _

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

______________________________ ___

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY:Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

______________________________ ______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________ ________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 459   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8590651
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 4:53 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

As someone in court TOMORROW, I desperately needed to read this.

Thank you so very much for posting this today.

update: I am literally crying because I am laughing so hard

[This message edited by barcher144 at 10:56 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5421   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8590692
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 5:19 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

Actually, these are from a book that is called, I believe, "Disorder in the Court." I gave a copy to my SO as a gift. He loved it.

Cat

PS: For any of you who want to give an attorney a gift, I recommend this book and "Legally Correct Fairy Tales."

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33182   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Ohio
id 8590703
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Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 9:24 PM on Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

I love it when I laugh-out-loud. These are hilarious.

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 8590766
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 10:18 AM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

I've read these before but trying to read them to wh last night I could barely do it through the laughter and tears lol.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25896   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8590869
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 12:15 PM on Thursday, September 24th, 2020

OMGeeeee...

Hilarious!

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8268   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8590881
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 1:50 AM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

<------ Smiling lawyer here.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8591103
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 10:06 AM on Friday, September 25th, 2020

Thank you. That brightened up my day!

I will read to my sons tomorrow. Hope they get it...

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Slowly healing from Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 953   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8591206
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