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When does it stop hurting?

Ascott58 posted 10/1/2020 00:00 AM

You can see from all my post I've been put through the ringer. A little back story. Found out last year my husband was talking to another woman. When I found out he said it was nothing but talking. We said we would work it out and he would stop talking to her. Fast forward almost a year later the OW reaches out to me stating they have had an ongoing affair for about a year. Physical for 4 months. Went to just talking cause we had moved very far away. I said I would work on it. We went to therapy for 3 months. He said he was sorry. I really thought this could possibly make us stronger. After 3 months I find out that was not his first affair. He had a ONS before and was still talking to the woman. So I left. I couldn't do it anymore. He has done this to me 3 times. I dont have it in me anymore. He has been so cruel to me. So hurtful!
So we are separated. Living 17hrs apart. I got my own place and started a great new job. I moved closer to my family. Which are extremely supportive. We have no kids so we don't have anything between us. Thank God!
There is nothing at this point that would make me go back. So why do I miss him? Why do I still cry? Why do I still want to talk to him? When will all this stop? When is it best to start moving on? We are just kinda waiting till the beginning of the year to assess everything, but its looking like divorce. He is still sending me messages asking me to come back. Telling me how much he is going to change and what a great husband he is going to be.
I just wish I could snap my fingers and him and all this go away. Its not fair I've been put through so much and it won't stop!
Please any help would be greatly appreciated!

jadedangel posted 10/1/2020 01:37 AM

You are grieving the loss your marriage and it is totally fine. He already checked out with his cheating but you were invested.

Allow yourself to grieve when the emotions hit and eventually those feelings will pass.

Don't be hard on yourself. Time is really the best healer.

What are some things you would like to do now? Make some goals for yourself. A new hobby? Traveling? Good luck to you!

MorbidCuriosity posted 10/1/2020 06:17 AM

I do not know if it will work for you but I find it easier to grieve for a death than it is for a betrayal.

I believe if you change a little bit of your perspective on how your marriage was murdered by a stranger instead of being betrayed by the said stranger that it would help you to heal a little bit better.

It is easier to pull out the dagger from the front than it is from the back.

Other than that, I guess, is to keep talking about it until you are tired of it. We sure wont be tired of it because there are thousands of us here. There will be a point where you will go something like "Sigh...and that's that guys."

Your cruel story does not end at this chapter that is for sure. Understand that there is no one now that exists in your life that can properly hinder you from writing a better and happier story for your next chapter IF AND ONLY IF you can go NC. That is why people always say "I need space" and etc. Him asking you to come back and stuff is just disrespecting the 17hour distance that you put between the 2 of you.

You underestimate yourself. You thought you cant snap your fingers and make him go away but you can. Just a few words to tell him to leave you alone and you need space and a few buttons to block him if he wont. Dont hold on to a hot coal and ask why your hand is burning in pain.

Chin up lady. Your fight is still on.

Sofarsogood posted 10/1/2020 15:54 PM

Maybe it's the "idea of him, and being in a relationship" that you miss. If there is no way reconciliation is an option, then I'd just concentrate on the positives that you mentioned in your new situation. Time does heal as well.

Sofarsogood posted 10/1/2020 16:03 PM

Also want to add "actions, not words" He says he wants you to come back when you have a great new job and family support? He should be doing any heavy lifting to prove he can be a safe partner (without any guarantees in the future from you). Even if the divorce goes through, if he is serious about forming a new and trusting relationship with you (again, without you making any promises), he can pursue, relocate, and prove to you he is worthy of a new relationship.

skeetermooch posted 10/1/2020 19:42 PM

Ascott, I feel the same. My STBX sends me those messages all the time, so articulate, pleading, promising. I've given him a few shots at R and he's just cheated and lied and let me down more. I finally realize he's full of shit.

We miss what we thought we had, our fake husbands. The real one is a POS but the fake one was wonderful, our best friend and life partner. It's a huge loss and we're going to miss that for awhile.

Feel better and congratulations on making a decisive break from him!!

Deesport883 posted 10/28/2020 15:09 PM

We miss what we thought we had, our fake husbands. The real one is a POS but the fake one was wonderful, our best friend and life partner. It's a huge loss and we're going to miss that for awhile

Skeetermooch: This is my reminder, to a T !!

Cenny posted 10/28/2020 16:00 PM

I feel just like you. When will it stop hurting? I wish I knew. You know what you have to do, it doesn't make if feel any better. Watch is actions not words. Move through and keep doing what you know you have to.

There is not a day that goes by I do not want to call my former husband. --- I feel for you.

leafields posted 10/28/2020 17:47 PM

For me, it took 2.5 years from the original dday, 9 months after I moved into my own place, and 2 months after starting treatment with a betrayal trauma specialist. Earlier this month, I had a day where I was really happy with no pain. When I reflected on the last few weeks, I realized that I was finally content.

I missed the thought of us being a couple, having the family ritutals - I am close to my in-laws & had lived next door. I miss having a house that was paid off & knowing that I could rely on his pension when retired. When he was nice, we had a great time together.

It took processing through the 30+ years of memories trying to figure out what was authentic & what was now a lie because of his behavior.

BearlyBreathing posted 10/28/2020 20:02 PM

It takes the very dreaded 4 letter word.. time. How can you speed it up? By feeling the feelings instead of stuffing them down. By talking to an IC to help you understand how you feel and how to move forward with the life you want.

A lot of the longing is grieving and is habit. Itís muscle memory. And it just takes time to get rewire your brain.

It helped to take some control of things.. so get your ducks lined in for D ó whether you D or not, youíll feel in control and have a lot of fears and unknowns put to rest. Talk to a lawyer to make sure he canít do anything between now and January to put you in a financial bind.

And what do you mean move on? I think youíve already started. But it is a process, and takes... time. And lady, you really do deserve better.

NC is real gift here as welló it helps break those habits. Whenever you talk with him, itís like smelling that cigarette 2 days after you tried to quit....

Hang in, and post here or on the venting thread when you want to reach out to him.

You got this.

Devasated posted 10/31/2020 16:32 PM

I'm new to SI, however he just went for the gut punch when I was down. Never asked to come back, never asked to try to R, already flaunting his new GF around the town I live in. He's such a colossal dick, its all about him and his ego.
Yes NC helps, but I am still hurting. I'm not sure if it is better to just rip the band aid off, or have someone try to fight for you.
Like I said WH told me in the first week, lets just get divorced our marriage is over. Too bad he forgot to inform me of this.
You can do this! You have your family nearby, new(ish) city, and a new job, immerse yourself into all the new experiences and people in your new community! Keep busy, get time outside, drink water, eat and make sure you are sleeping.

CoderMom posted 10/31/2020 19:56 PM

That is a difficult place. Have you considered counseling to help you with personal boundaries and help you heal. I believe in these situations of the heart, never say never, unless the situation is one of abuse / neglect or harm of some kind / legal - but I have my faith that I hold on to. That is what helped me get through my first marriage and divorce when my first husband refused to stop cheating and left me more than once. I felt I needed to protect my children.

Wish you all the best!

Ascott58 posted 11/1/2020 04:35 AM

Thank you for all the replies. I can't believe I posted this a month ago. Feels so much longer.
Life is going okay. I started therapy. Which has really been helping. My new job is going really well. Been going to the gym, eating healthy and drinking lots of water. Had some weekends going to see family. Trying to not stay home so the thoughts don't over take me.
It's weird being alone. It was me and him for 16 years. But now I have to learn who I am alone. I have to learn to love myself. And tell myself I am the only person I need. I think sometimes I want a relationship because I want them to make me feel good. But I have to be the one to do that.
I still have the daily thoughts of how could he do this to me after 16 years, why did he do it, why was he so cruel to me, why wasn't i good enough, why wasn't i worth him saying no, why does he still blame me when I wanted the world for him. I'll sometimes be and work and get hit with this overwhelming feeling of what he has done.
I know I'm gonna be in this state of mind for a while but I know the grass WILL be greener on the other side.
Thank u all!

Ascott58 posted 11/1/2020 04:35 AM

Thank you for all the replies. I can't believe I posted this a month ago. Feels so much longer.
Life is going okay. I started therapy. Which has really been helping. My new job is going really well. Been going to the gym, eating healthy and drinking lots of water. Had some weekends going to see family. Trying to not stay home so the thoughts don't over take me.
It's weird being alone. It was me and him for 16 years. But now I have to learn who I am alone. I have to learn to love myself. And tell myself I am the only person I need. I think sometimes I want a relationship because I want them to make me feel good. But I have to be the one to do that.
I still have the daily thoughts of how could he do this to me after 16 years, why did he do it, why was he so cruel to me, why wasn't i good enough, why wasn't i worth him saying no, why does he still blame me when I wanted the world for him. I'll sometimes be and work and get hit with this overwhelming feeling of what he has done.
I know I'm gonna be in this state of mind for a while but I know the grass WILL be greener on the other side.
Thank u all!

Ascott58 posted 11/1/2020 04:35 AM

Thank you for all the replies. I can't believe I posted this a month ago. Feels so much longer.
Life is going okay. I started therapy. Which has really been helping. My new job is going really well. Been going to the gym, eating healthy and drinking lots of water. Had some weekends going to see family. Trying to not stay home so the thoughts don't over take me.
It's weird being alone. It was me and him for 16 years. But now I have to learn who I am alone. I have to learn to love myself. And tell myself I am the only person I need. I think sometimes I want a relationship because I want them to make me feel good. But I have to be the one to do that.
I still have the daily thoughts of how could he do this to me after 16 years, why did he do it, why was he so cruel to me, why wasn't i good enough, why wasn't i worth him saying no, why does he still blame me when I wanted the world for him. I'll sometimes be and work and get hit with this overwhelming feeling of what he has done.
I know I'm gonna be in this state of mind for a while but I know the grass WILL be greener on the other side.
Thank u all!

Ascott58 posted 11/1/2020 04:35 AM

Posted twice

[This message edited by Ascott58 at 4:46 AM, November 1st (Sunday)]

Westway posted 11/3/2020 16:53 PM

You have to take it slow and let the pain process through you. Sometimes I just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling asking myself "what the hell happened to my life?" I allow myself to wallow an hour or so, then I jump up and start moving. Keep moving. Keep breathing and moving. Every day.

It does get better after a while.

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