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Depressed and sad

Sadsadsad36 posted 10/29/2020 08:35 AM

I am in deep deep depression over how my A ended.. and I am unwilling to let go..
I had an arranged marriage where I met my husband just once physically a couple of hours (along with his parents) before marriage. Our courtship was on phone for a couple of months after that. I thought I was in love.. I think I was just infatuated/ limerence type feeling. Still I stayed loyal.. but there were heaps of issues with his family. They abused me horribly, I hated that he never stood up for me, and even got upset when I stood up for myself. I was perceived as Iíll mannered. Fast forward to 7 years after marriage and a baby, his parents abuse didnít stop and he tended to side with them than me. It affected our physical intimacy and we didnít have relations for over 2 years.. not even a kiss or a hug..there were 3-4 instances of physical abuse also.. I was so so lonely. I had had a couple of crushes on work colleagues etc but never acted..
then somehow when a couple friend got involved in our issue, I spoke to the husband to get a better understanding of my partners mindset. But things soon turned to our lack of sex.. I honestly spoke to him as a friend at that moment.. but then I started fantasising about him.. I about 2 meetings he kissed me and said we need to stay with our partners and have each other too.. my so called best friends husband became my AP. We were intimate 4 times over 18 month period, largely due to fact that I get eczema and I avoided seeing him when I got it. I got an incredible ego boost and rush.. I got attention.. I got some physical love.. all of which were lacking. I was so so so happy that I started taking care of myself and my home and son better. I performed better at work..
I come from a really bad childhood, my father never loved me,, itís made me lack self worth and always seek validation.. my father ultimately got depressed and killed himself.. I never grieved this like even then.. my AP never said he loved me in fact he was very reticent in showing much affection.. just loads of kissing when we met (6 times total)
We were very similar and now I realise we both waited for the other person to call.. now in covid times I did stupid stuff making AP break up with me.. he wanted to continue as friends.. I was in a deep deep depression.. I was doing stupid stuff like rebuffing his wifeís advances to be my friend.. not realising it was AP wanting new in his life.. I was ok to end the physical part I just wanted to be around him as a friend..
And now everything is messed up and AP has broken off all contact, blocked me and even stopped talking to my partner.. (whom he was best friends with) I know it is all so unhealthy.. I also know I was probably only using him for validation.. but ever since it has ended I am behaving Like the world is ending.. I donít feel the same.. itís been 4-5 months.. I am seeing a therapist.. I keep having issues with my husband.. we are not compatible but due to family reasons and my son I donít want to separate from him.. he is same..
the physical aspect of our relationship is still suffering.. he just isnít interested in sex and intimacy and expects me to go without.. I have not been hugged or kissed for months...
I wish I had never met the AP.. I wish I didnít fall for him.. but I did and now I donít know what to do.. how to get out of it..

Lucky77 posted 10/29/2020 09:34 AM

Hello there Sad x 3,

Welcome to SI.

All our stories are f'd up in our own ways so you are not alone having an f'd up life story. You may feel alone right now due to the many tough relationships around you. But that's OK. You are far from the first on here with rough H, AP and father relationships and won't be the last.

I find being comfortable in my own skin is critical to my self care. Self love is OK! In fact it's key to life. Invest in your superpower skills.

Maybe curl up with some Brene' Brown or Tony Robbins books. Do you believe in a higher power? I find I really enjoy organized religion when I'm a spiritual mess. Get to a yoga class. If you invest in your own self worth and build up that base of love it will help you move forward in your relationships.

Welcome to the Wayward Side. Home of the naughty ones.

Pippin posted 10/29/2020 09:58 AM

I'm sorry sadsadsad36, I just bumped a thread for you called Maia's Survival Guide that might help. It's a set of ideas on how to manage urges to see the AP or compulsive feelings and so on. It sounds like apart from that you have a lot to work on to feel like you are worthy of a good life (you are) and loveable (you are). Take care of yourself on the long road and try to understand that other people's rejection or abuse of you is not caused by your inadequacy but by their own pain and hurt. Can you find something loveable or beautiful in your life to hang on to for a while? I got a puppy and started gardening. It sounds silly but those two things have been incredibly healing. I hope you find loveable and beautiful things to place into your life.

Home of the naughty ones.

I prefer Island of Misfit Toys.

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