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Four years later

ashesofkali posted 11/7/2020 16:18 PM

I'm a BS, a little more than 4 years past DDay. I've been on SI for nearly 4 years. These days, I'm mostly healed and on my way to a happier life, but I still check in here regularly, for the sake of my sanity. Often, the internet strangers I follow on SI make more sense to me than people I know in real life.

When I first landed here, I was asking the same questions I see many people posting in JFO: "What did I do wrong? Why did my WS cheat on me?" I found no answers to those questions, because there are no answers. Other people's behavior is beyond my control.

I'm an imperfect human, so of course I was an imperfect wife to xWH. But the fact remains: His cheating was his own choice. I never did or said anything evil enough to justify his decision to bang another woman in our bed while I was out working 2 jobs to support his unemployed ass.

After DDay, I spent nearly 2 years attempting to reconcile with xWH. I loved him like crazy, I couldn't imagine a life without him, yada yada yada. So I tried. I tried hard. I asked him to read the little book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" and he said he'd think about it. I bought him a copy and he lost it. When I suggested he go to therapy, he said: "It's too expensive and there's nowhere to park." Yeah, he really said that.

I wanted to forgive xWH and heal our marriage, but how do you forgive someone who isn't sorry? I once told him I was trying to get to a place of forgiveness, but that just made him more impatient. He got angry when it became apparent that forgiveness would not happen quickly or easily. The day he hollered "Why can't you just get over it?!" is the day I realized he wasn't willing to do any work to fix what he had broken. Or maybe the task was just so daunting that he gave up before he started. Regardless, in the end, I have no regrets about divorcing xWH, kinda like how he had no regrets about cheating on me.

I just realized something: I'm not lonely today. I was lonely for years while I was married, but that feeling has finally gone away Ė and I live alone now. Imagine that. Life is full of possibility, and I can't wait to see what's around the next corner.

As I close out this lengthy post, I'm sending love and healing energy to everyone here, BSes and WSes alike. May we all find the peace and happiness we were born for. Thank you for reading my words.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/7/2020 16:25 PM

I just realized something: I'm not lonely today. I was lonely for years while I was married, but that feeling has finally gone away Ė and I live alone now. Imagine that. Life is full of possibility, and I can't wait to see what's around the next corner.

YYYYEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!! Love this, Kali.

crazyblindsided posted 11/7/2020 18:25 PM

(((ashesofkali))) loved this post. I feel much the same way this mirrors my experience even down to getting the book and him never reading it. Rather put me through 2 more years of lies and False R. Also the hollering to get over it. Funny now that Iím separated I donít even think about it.

Would rather be alone and happy than alone and miserable with him.

99problems posted 11/7/2020 19:53 PM

I'm channeling this post. Thanks for writing it.
There will be so many beautiful things for all of us in our new lives.
I'm ready!

The1stWife posted 11/8/2020 06:53 AM

You can forgive someone who isnít sorry. You just cannot stay married to them.

fareast posted 11/8/2020 08:41 AM

In the end you realize that you deserve better in your M. No matter your best efforts the M can not survive if he is not sorry. You value yourself. Well done. Good luck.

Stinger posted 11/8/2020 11:36 AM

Best thing I ever did was get divorced. My life is a lot better.

lettingo posted 11/11/2020 15:55 PM


I can so relate to this. My Dday was just over 4 years ago. I tried and tried to "save" my marriage. I have zero regrets about my divorce. I'm still sad occasionally for what I "thought" I had. I miss not getting to see my kids every single day ... but no regrets about ending my marriage. I too am hopeful again.

My 18th Anniversary would have been yesterday ... it didn't even phase me this year! Can you imagine that!!!?!

There is hope for us BS's!

skeetermooch posted 11/11/2020 21:03 PM

Kali, thank you for the update. Your description of your attempted R sounds exactly like mine. It takes a minute to realize you're the only one trying. (I too bought that book and he also didn't read it

My marriage was very, very lonely. I'm still lonely at times but I'm happier and more hopeful. I feel my old self returning little by little.

Thanks again for sharing!!

Ultramarine posted 11/19/2020 00:51 AM

Right on, girl. Very happy for you and I feel very much the same

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