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Newest Member: Anderson78

Divorce/Separation :
Four years later

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 ashesofkali (original poster member #56327) posted at 10:18 PM on Saturday, November 7th, 2020

I'm a BS, a little more than 4 years past DDay. I've been on SI for nearly 4 years. These days, I'm mostly healed and on my way to a happier life, but I still check in here regularly, for the sake of my sanity. Often, the internet strangers I follow on SI make more sense to me than people I know in real life.

When I first landed here, I was asking the same questions I see many people posting in JFO: "What did I do wrong? Why did my WS cheat on me?" I found no answers to those questions, because there are no answers. Other people's behavior is beyond my control.

I'm an imperfect human, so of course I was an imperfect wife to xWH. But the fact remains: His cheating was his own choice. I never did or said anything evil enough to justify his decision to bang another woman in our bed while I was out working 2 jobs to support his unemployed ass.

After DDay, I spent nearly 2 years attempting to reconcile with xWH. I loved him like crazy, I couldn't imagine a life without him, yada yada yada. So I tried. I tried hard. I asked him to read the little book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" and he said he'd think about it. I bought him a copy and he lost it. When I suggested he go to therapy, he said: "It's too expensive and there's nowhere to park." Yeah, he really said that.

I wanted to forgive xWH and heal our marriage, but how do you forgive someone who isn't sorry? I once told him I was trying to get to a place of forgiveness, but that just made him more impatient. He got angry when it became apparent that forgiveness would not happen quickly or easily. The day he hollered "Why can't you just get over it?!" is the day I realized he wasn't willing to do any work to fix what he had broken. Or maybe the task was just so daunting that he gave up before he started. Regardless, in the end, I have no regrets about divorcing xWH, kinda like how he had no regrets about cheating on me.

I just realized something: I'm not lonely today. I was lonely for years while I was married, but that feeling has finally gone away – and I live alone now. Imagine that. Life is full of possibility, and I can't wait to see what's around the next corner.

As I close out this lengthy post, I'm sending love and healing energy to everyone here, BSes and WSes alike. May we all find the peace and happiness we were born for. Thank you for reading my words.

Me: 54yo former BW, divorced, no kids

Him: Deleted

posts: 131   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2016   ·   location: New Mexico
id 8606575
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 10:25 PM on Saturday, November 7th, 2020

I just realized something: I'm not lonely today. I was lonely for years while I was married, but that feeling has finally gone away – and I live alone now. Imagine that. Life is full of possibility, and I can't wait to see what's around the next corner.

YYYYEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!! Love this, Kali.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6491   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8606579
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:25 AM on Sunday, November 8th, 2020

(((ashesofkali))) loved this post. I feel much the same way this mirrors my experience even down to getting the book and him never reading it. Rather put me through 2 more years of lies and False R. Also the hollering to get over it. Funny now that I’m separated I don’t even think about it.

Would rather be alone and happy than alone and miserable with him.

fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024

posts: 9076   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8606599
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99problems ( member #59373) posted at 1:53 AM on Sunday, November 8th, 2020

I'm channeling this post. Thanks for writing it.

There will be so many beautiful things for all of us in our new lives.

I'm ready!

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1010   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8606612
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:53 PM on Sunday, November 8th, 2020

You can forgive someone who isn’t sorry. You just cannot stay married to them.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 14777   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8606672
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:41 PM on Sunday, November 8th, 2020

In the end you realize that you deserve better in your M. No matter your best efforts the M can not survive if he is not sorry. You value yourself. Well done. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3993   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8606687
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Stinger ( member #74090) posted at 5:36 PM on Sunday, November 8th, 2020

Best thing I ever did was get divorced. My life is a lot better.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2020
id 8606727
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lettingo ( member #61631) posted at 9:55 PM on Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

ashesofkali,

I can so relate to this. My Dday was just over 4 years ago. I tried and tried to "save" my marriage. I have zero regrets about my divorce. I'm still sad occasionally for what I "thought" I had. I miss not getting to see my kids every single day ... but no regrets about ending my marriage. I too am hopeful again.

My 18th Anniversary would have been yesterday ... it didn't even phase me this year! Can you imagine that!!!?!

There is hope for us BS's!

Me: BS (49)
Married 16yrs
DD18 & DS15
DDay 8/16/16 LTA
False R for 10 months, Filed for D 6/2017

"Without courage we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest." -M Angelou

posts: 126   ·   registered: Nov. 30th, 2017   ·   location: Nor Cal
id 8607943
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 3:03 AM on Thursday, November 12th, 2020

Kali, thank you for the update. Your description of your attempted R sounds exactly like mine. It takes a minute to realize you're the only one trying. (I too bought that book and he also didn't read it

My marriage was very, very lonely. I'm still lonely at times but I'm happier and more hopeful. I feel my old self returning little by little.

Thanks again for sharing!!

Me: BS 56 on DDay 1 - 7/2019 DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8608045
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Ultramarine ( member #44326) posted at 6:51 AM on Thursday, November 19th, 2020

Right on, girl. Very happy for you and I feel very much the same

XBS 39
XWH 38 (cerulean)
Three kids.
Married 11 years.
DDay x 8/20/14 , 6/27/18
I lost count. Happily divorced.

posts: 109   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2014
id 8610479
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