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When will I be able to move forward?

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A1212 posted 11/11/2020 08:36 AM

Hello all.

I'm struggling these days.

Been about 3 months since d-day. 1 and a half months being separated and out of the house.

Even after everything she did to me, I am still severely attached and in love with her.

She had me thinking I was going crazy, that I was the problem, she convinced me that I am a narcissist, I am a sociopath, that it was my fault that she cheated. I have been obsessing with that idea over the last month. Spending countless hours reading, watching YouTube videos to find out if I'm a narcissist. Am I? I don't even know anymore.

When we initially separated she convinced me that she wanted to work this out, that she just needs time and space, the time and space is getting our relationship nowhere. I've been working on myself, trying to create lasting change, but she is still hung up on her ap.

We were in the beginning stages of renovating the marital home at the time, and its moving along well. But now she is out buying furniture, kitchen appliances, etc. Though, I just want her and the kids to be happy, its bothering me that she is making these purchases without even talking to me about it first.

And now I'm at a point where I need to make a decision. And its killing me inside.

Her ap is a registered sex offender, and while I'm sure the affair is over. I believe that if he reached ot to her again, she would take him back. I cannot have my kids around this person.

My heart is telling me to give her time, but I know the longer I wait, the less of an argument I will have in regards to her ap in the eyes of the court and settling custody arrangements.

I just miss my kids, im not getting enough time with them. I miss my family, and I miss what we once had in our marriage.

Thanks for hearing my story everyone.

SlapNutsABingo posted 11/11/2020 09:00 AM

What does your attorney say about all this?

A1212 posted 11/11/2020 09:11 AM


Thats part of my problem.

I don't have one.

I've called a few, but haven't pulled the trigger.

Whenever I get my mindset to a place where I feel ready, I am overwhelmed with the guilt of my children one day knowing I was the one who initiated the process.

SlapNutsABingo posted 11/11/2020 10:10 AM

I was the one who initiated the process.

She was the one that initiated that process the second she chose to throw you and your family away....

A1212 posted 11/11/2020 10:55 AM

Thank you. I will move ahead with legal representation today.

That is exactly the type of comment I came here looking for.

Belle25 posted 11/11/2020 11:26 AM

Let me answer something for you: an actual narcissist wouldn't even question if they are one or do research on it. Of course they aren't; EVERYONE ELSE is the problem.

You are, however, the victim of gaslighting.

skeetermooch posted 11/11/2020 12:44 PM

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

All the comments are spot on. You need an attorney because visitation will be based on maintaining the status quo for your kids - the longer they live apart from you with minimal visitation, the less likely it is that you will get the kind of custody arrangement you want. At least get temporary orders or a separation agreement in place to protect your rights. You can stipulate that this sex offender not be allowed to be in contact with your kids.

Narcissists like to call their victims narcissists. They will accuse you of everything they actually are. She has you thoroughly muddled - as these sorts do. You need to model for your children how to have healthy boundaries and how to leave a toxic person - nothing to feel guilty about in that.

Best of luck to you. Healing takes time and it's very hard. I'm over a year from dday and I'm feeling much better. Give yourself time. If you can afford a therapist, please do get some counseling to help you heal.

A1212 posted 11/11/2020 13:34 PM

Thanks everyone.

I have a consultation booked tomorrow with an attorney. It feels much more real now.

I'm spending 2 hours with the kids every day throughout the week, and I have them overnight every other weekend. The time that I do get with them is great, but I no longer feel like a parent, just a friend to them.

99problems posted 11/11/2020 14:48 PM

Many, many narcissists will project their disorder onto you. This is extremely common. It's also common for narcissists to cheat.
'Nuff said.

lettingo posted 11/11/2020 16:14 PM

So sorry you are here. I think the fact that you are questioning your role in her affair is a testament to your quality as a person. Please don't be sucked into her blame-shifting tactics. This is not your fault.

I initiated my D and I don't regret it. My XH ended our marriage when he chose to lie and cheat, I just filed the paperwork.

Hang in there. It takes a long time, but it does get better ... It even gets great eventually.

BearlyBreathing posted 11/11/2020 18:54 PM

Make sure you are tracking her spending and when you talk to the lawyer, learn what you need to do secure your finances for you and your kids. She is not your friend and will not be looking out for you, Iím afraid.

It takes time for you heart to catch up with your head - donít let it dissuade what her actions are showing you. And when you get separation, that helps the healing move forward.

Hang in there.

blahblahblahe posted 11/11/2020 23:28 PM

In love with what exactly? A memory? An illusion? Be certain you can really answer this question and that it IN REALITY applies to your XW.

Protect yourself, or live with the consquences.

[This message edited by blahblahblahe at 11:30 PM, November 11th (Wednesday)]

Adlham posted 11/12/2020 04:06 AM

It is super duper important that you know exactly what kind of registered sexual offender he is.

It makes a difference, I believe, on who he potentially cannot be around, i.e., children.

Definitely make sure to block his ability to be around your kids, regardless, but if he can't be around kids, I'd be all over that & turn him in the first second he crossed the line.

If for no other reason than to prevent going to jail myself.

I have some anger issues with that.

Justsomeguy posted 11/12/2020 08:28 AM

If you were a narcissist, you probably wouldnt be asking if you might be a narcissist. Sounds like gaslighting to me or blame shifting, or some perverse hybrid. My STBXWW tried to constantly turn the tables on me, saying things like I kept her under my thumb. When I asked exactly how, she would just get frustrated and storm off.

My STBXWW had great difficulty in taking responsibility for her actions, and getting an apology from her was like pulling teeth. I've since learned from reading relationship books that these are massive red flags and people should run the other way if they find someone like this. Wish I did...

BobPar posted 11/12/2020 11:26 AM

If you were a narcissist, you probably wouldnt be asking if you might be a narcissist

I second this thought.

that she just needs time and space,

Not a good sign in my experience. My lawyer's advice was when things start going downhill, it is less expensive to get out early. Start the process and if you need it, it's started. If you don't you can stop it.

I just miss my kids, im not getting enough time with them

In my area, it is usual and customary for the Dad to get 50%. Ask your lawyer about it.

Westway posted 11/12/2020 16:06 PM

She had me thinking I was going crazy, that I was the problem, she convinced me that I am a narcissist, I am a sociopath, that it was my fault that she cheated. I have been obsessing with that idea over the last month. Spending countless hours reading, watching YouTube videos to find out if I'm a narcissist. Am I? I don't even know anymore.

This is called gaslighting and it comes right out of the cheaters' handbook. Almost all cheaters do it to some extent. You don't have to be a narcissist or sociopath to do it... but it helps.

Don't let her gaslight you or try to control the narrative. You have the truth, and all you need to do is lay the facts out before family and friends, and if they know you and her they will know you are not the one who is lying. So let her fume and rant and scream and cry. Stick to the facts of what she did when anyone asks why you are divorcing.

Westway posted 11/12/2020 16:09 PM

Find out her a.p.'s name. There should be an online sex offender registry for your state or city that you can access that will have his name and what his offenses are. If you suspect he is having contact with your kids, all you need to do is call the police and give them his name. Or even better, call your local probation/parole office and ask them if he is still on supervision. If he is, ask to speak to his case officer and tell him/her what has been going on.

The Feds have a registry. Here is the url.


[This message edited by Westway at 4:11 PM, November 12th (Thursday)]

A1212 posted 11/12/2020 18:59 PM

Thanks everyone.

Day to day, I am an emotional wreck. She destroyed me mentally and I feel like I'm just starting to out the pieces back together now.

Consultation with the lawyer went great. We discussed our strategy going forward and she encouraged me to continue spending the time I do, with the kids. I do still see them daily- an hour before work, an hour after work, dinner on Wednesday nights, and every other weekend. She said that will be recognized in court, and there is no need to rush things if I'm worried about custody. My lawyer is about 10 years younger than me, and omg freaking gorgeous, I know that is going to pass my spouse off, and I'm kind of laughing about the idea of that.

As far as the sex offender, I do know his name, and have looked up his charges, - repeated acts of sexual assault against the same child. My lawyer is aware of her relationship with him, and if I get any wind of her going back to him, we will take legal action.

Otherwise, Im stil in a haze, at times, I feel like reaching out to my wife and saying "dude, wtf? Let's work on fixing this", but then I quickly remember the pain she caused me, and call a friend instead for support.

Thanks again everyone, still staying strong. Looking forward to having the kids this weekend!

A1212 posted 11/15/2020 18:57 PM


I had a great weekend with the kids, until I dropped them off by their mother. I was met with a cold attitude and distance. I even dropped them off 10 minutes early.

I still love her and cannot let her go.

If she called me right now I would welcome any attempt at reconciling with open arms.

It is taking all my strength right now to type this out. I desperately want to reach out to her and regain her validation.

Tried prayer, currently, thats not getting me any answers.

Tried no contact, but I'm to weak.

Will do my best to stay strong tonight, and not reach out to her.

Thanks for listening to my story. It really helps to type this out.

SlapNutsABingo posted 11/16/2020 09:04 AM

I still love her and cannot let her go.

You love what she was or quite possibly what she never was.

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