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When will I be able to move forward?

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Westway posted 11/16/2020 09:04 AM

Are you in any kind of therapy?

GotTheShaft posted 11/16/2020 13:48 PM

I understand how you feel. We ALL felt the same way in the beginning. I am nearly 5 years out of my divorce and just went through this same thing with a girl I dated for the past 2-1/2 years, and I feel the same way about her too. The thing is, as other posters have said, you (and I) are in love with a version of her that doesn't exist, or at least doesn't exist any more. She's no longer that woman.

Your breakup didn't start 3 months ago or 1-1/2 months ago. Your breakup started for your ex-wife the minute she entertained the idea of cheating on you. At that point, she had to validate her decision, so she started to pick at anything you did wrong and make them into big things, while at the same time raising the value of the AP. Once the scales "tipped" in the favor of the AP, she felt comfortable cheating. She didn't ask for a divorce until she felt certain that she could continue with AP.

I'm telling you, this is exactly what happened in my marriage, and it's exactly what happened in my recent breakup. Women like this are terrified of being alone, so they hold onto you until they have secured a safe landing spot.

You still want her back because this is all fresh for you. You don't even still realize she is still cheating on you. Meanwhile, she's been working through these feelings for months, and she's moved on without you. I know it hurts to hear this, but this is most likely the truth.

You're probably thinking "No way, not my wife. She's not like that." I thought the same thing, and I was wrong - twice. Once they go down that path, there's not really a chance of them returning, unless they are willing to do a whole lot of work on themselves. And, not many cheaters are willing to do that. If they were, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

Let's say she apologizes profusely, and she swears it will never happen again. She tells you how much she now realizes how awful this has been and how much it hurt you. You take her back because you love her. Ask yourself this question - will you ever be able to trust her again? What happens when you leave for work - can you trust her not to cheat? What if she goes over to a girlfriend's house to visit - how about then? What about when she has lunch with her mother, or sister, or aunt - can you trust that's what she's really doing? Do you want to be constantly checking her text messages? Constantly grilling her about her whereabouts?

Infidelity is a big whammy on a marriage or relationship.

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