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Can separation help reconciling?

Rosepetal2 posted 12/8/2020 09:18 AM

Can separation help reconciling if both of us want that? I finally told him I need a break and weirdly since then weíre getting on really well! Not separated yet either. Itís made me wonder if we still should . I do think itíd help in the sense we can both work on ourselves in that time and maybe have joint counselling too. The lies he told me are still in my mind just not as raw and I still have a small feeling there may be more to the story I.e was it the only time etc
Maybe Iím just happier lately now Iíve told him something that was weighing me down for months I.e wanting to separate, and maybe thatís a good sign that it can help us if we do? Like no pressure to fake moods around the kids etc.

Iím concerned if we donít go ahead with it weíll just plod along with not much change or but at the same time it terrifies me to think of at least 6 months of separation as such.

I canít wait for a day I donít need to read this website - meant in the nicest possible way of course!

Neanderthal posted 12/8/2020 10:29 AM

Rosepetal, I remember your story. We both came to SI around the same time.

How has staying together served you since finding out about his infidelity? Are you healing? Has he done the necessary work? My point is, maybe it's time for a change?

6 months is nothing BTW. If may feel like eternity during, but afterwards it'll just feel like a blip on the radar. What's 6 months towards a lifetime of happiness?

IMHO, the goal for separation should be to help yourself. Separating may allow you to choose R (if you have a worthy WS), instead of feeling you need to R. It also offers him a chance to prove he's R material.

My xW and I tried separation (about 6 months). It was good for us, but we rushed back together way too soon. I believe our outcome may have been different had we stayed separated longer. If you do choose to separate, truly take the time to reevaluate before jumping back in together. If it doesn't feel 110% right, continue the separation.

I was going to say I wish I had a more positive story to share with you. But honestly It has been a positive for me. It just didn't look like I thought it would.

DevastatedDee posted 12/8/2020 10:30 AM

I don't think separation is a reconciliation tactic. I think separation can be very healthy for the BS in giving you time and space to really figure out what you want. Infidelity puts us at a suprise crossroads. You were just driving along and hit an unexpected stop sign and you can take one of two routes forward. Separation can be like pulling over on the side of the road to think about which path you'll take and maybe even for a moment taking a break from making that decision at all. It gives you space and breathing room. Reading through some of your posts this year, it sounds like maybe a healthy thing for you. Just breathe and worry about you for a while. It isn't a tactic for R, but at the same time I'd say you'll learn a lot about who he is during this process too.

Rosepetal2 posted 12/8/2020 10:51 AM

Thankyou both, two different perspectives but both make sense. Iím feeling positive about a separation even though itís scary , I kinda feel itís like itís the only thing left to try. Even if it shows me I can be on my own then thatís a good thing too right? I think part of me thinks I canít do it so should make the best of the situation. So this would be a test for myself too , time to grow and if it works out for both of us thatís obviously great too.

Ratpicker posted 12/8/2020 10:59 AM

If reconciling is your goal, perhaps asking in the Reconciliation forum. If any who are reconciling found a separation helped, what actions they agreed to prior, duration, did they continue MC? Etc?

Best of luck to you Rosepetal in achieving whatever is healthy for you and your relationship.

gmc94 posted 12/8/2020 17:06 PM

I'm not in R, as my WH is not "R material", but having a 6-month S was very beneficial to me. Probably mostly bc that distance enabled me to better see him for who he really is and to find some sense of acceptance (I believe that may be a lifelong work in progress).

And I agree with both Neanderthal and DevDee - it's not for the M or for punishment, but to get some distance to work on yourself (and I LOVE the pulling over at the stop sign analogy).

I started to write "it did not work out for me" and then realized... it DID work out for me to the extent that being S really helped MY healing.... it just didn't work out for my M.

messyleslie posted 12/9/2020 14:12 PM

I know one couple that did a long in house separation, like maybe a year. It worked because they had a completely separate area - like a guest quarters in the basement and very defined hours and boundaries. The BS liked it because it gave her space but also allowed her to observe her WHís behavior from afar. She also wasnít stuck with the lions share of housework and childcare like maybe BWís are during a separation.

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