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I married a lie

crazyblindsided posted 1/11/2021 13:43 PM

This is more of a vent than anything... but I didn't think it was possible to hate someone so much. I literally despise my ex. I just found out over the weekend that he had said awful things about my son after he was born and that he never wanted a second child. He also said something shitty to my mom after my daughter was born but my mom didn't tell me until a few years ago. After my daughter was born he said (as he was holding her hours after birth)"This isn't for me."

If I would have known ANY of this I would have left immediately. It is sick and I don't understand it. Today he acts like father of the year and I know he loves them but I can't get past this. We had discussed having kids and he was on board and now I find out these things NOW!!!

I feel like I'm going to have a coronary. I'm so sick in the head I am now praying for his death. What an awful awful human he is and I wish I never laid eyes on him. I love my kids though. Glad I had them with this fucking monster. If only I had been told this after their birth I would have kicked him to the goddamn curb. Sick mofo!

Carissima posted 1/11/2021 16:13 PM

There may be another explanation. It's not really talked about and not many people acknowledge it but men can suffer from PPD as well as women.
One of the symptoms I've seen noted on a mental health website was

They may play and engage less with their children and talk more negatively about and to them.

Just another possibility to consider. Obviously doesn't excuse his recent and current behaviour.

Somber posted 1/12/2021 08:27 AM

Oh CBS, I relate so much. Although I donít like to admit it, I have the same dark thoughts towards my spouse! It would be easier to move on without them around at all but itís just not reality.

I agree with Carissma, that comments when your children were babies could have been related to many things. Itís a huge adjustment for all parents. However, I doubt he had male Post partum depression. They likely just interfered too much in his double life.

He has just given you another reason to keep moving forward CBS. Deep breath and carry on. The thing is to remember the lies and let that fuel your way onto your path forward, away from him as much as you can.

barcher144 posted 1/12/2021 12:32 PM

This is more of a vent than anything... but I didn't think it was possible to hate someone so much.

Yeah, you and me both.

When we officially decided to end our marriage, I really felt like we would have an amicable divorce and we would do our best to put aside our hard feelings because that is what is best for our kids.

Oh boy was I wrong. I mean, I was so wrong about this that a handful of SI members have even commented on my various threads "I told you so."

I never envisioned that I would hate anyone, let alone my STBXW this much. Interestingly, I think that I hate her attorney even more than I hate her... mostly because STBXW has the excuse of being greedy/selfish, whereas her attorney is just a flat-out horrible person.

It's not really talked about and not many people acknowledge it but men can suffer from PPD as well as women

I don't know if I would use the term PPD, but I definitely experienced some issues after our first two children were born. Or, maybe it was just that my STBXW was just emotionally abusing me. Definitely that. Probably both.

Interestingly enough, I most definitely did not want a third child and STBXW tried to use this against me during our custody evaluation. According to her, I got very angry and left our home for a couple of hours when I found out she was pregnant. While this is a complete fabrication of the events, I was definitely unhappy that she was pregnant. And, considering that her pregnancy test came up positive the morning of my vasectomy, it's not like she didn't know that I didn't want a third child. All that said, I think that I am a wonderful father to my son. And I think that he would agree.

My point being is that anything that he said at the time... you really shouldn't hold that against him. You have plenty of other reasons to pray for his death, etc.

The thought that comes to mind is a paraphrase from Chris Rock. I don't believe in murder... but after my divorce, I understand.


Darkness Falls posted 1/12/2021 12:59 PM

I definitely agree that your ex sucks based on your posts, but here Iím not going to really blame him. A LOT of people, guys and gals both, are excited about starting a family and then realize AFTER that it ďwasnít for them.Ē Unfortunately itís not something you can know or predict in advance, kwim? And there is a huge stigma about saying so after the fact, admitting to regrets, hindsight, if you could do it over you wouldnít have kids, etc. I totally disagree with that stigma because saying you realize after the fact that youíd make a different choice doesnít mean you donít love your kids (as you pointed out that your ex definitely does).

crazyblindsided posted 1/12/2021 13:56 PM

I mean I guess I understand it a little but there were also times when the kids got a little older that my ex would ask me "Have you ever wondered what our life would have been like if we didn't have kids?" and my answer was always a resounding hell no. In fact I wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't married this fucker. Now that is something I think about. My kids... no way... best thing to have happened to me are my kids.

crazyblindsided posted 1/12/2021 13:58 PM

The thought that comes to mind is a paraphrase from Chris Rock. I don't believe in murder... but after my divorce, I understand.

Thanks. I just want nothing to do with the ex. I dread my kid's weddings and all the future BS (not blind spouse) where I'm going to have to be in the same room as him. Seriously wondering how I'm going to deal with those situations.

crazyblindsided posted 1/12/2021 14:00 PM

They likely just interfered too much in his double life.

I too think it is this and also that he didn't want the responsibilities that come with it. Just wanted to be a party guy all throughout life...still does and date 20 somethings

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:00 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]

nekorb posted 1/12/2021 18:41 PM

As you move through and past your divorce, hopefully you will move toward indifference. It took me a long time to get there, but itís SO much easier, and a sure sign that you just donít give a shit anymore. I even invited OW to my daughters bridal shower that I hosted (at my daughters request, trying to keep the peace with my ex) - she didnít have the balls to show up, but I invited her!

This whole thing is a roller coaster, and it always seems like just when youíre reaching a better place, some shit goes down like new information, new infractions, etc.

It does get better!

99problems posted 1/12/2021 19:22 PM

I feel you, girl.
When my ex got covid(and exposed dd and I to it, without disclosing) I really hoped that it would "solve" my problem.

I don't feel that way now. I still really hate her, but I'm glad my daughter still has a mom.

This all takes so much time. I'm only 7 months out, but I'm starting to see a bit of light, of a time where stbxw does not exist in my head rent-free.

Healing is NOT linear. And by that I mean 5 steps forward 4 steps back, 7 steps forward, 6 back. That's how it looks for me. But progress is made eventually.

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