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His contact throwing me into depression

crazyblindsided posted 2/1/2021 10:52 AM

STBX has been contacting me once a week lately which I have given crickets to, but it leaves me depressed for a couple of days. Right now I'm struggling with this depression and it makes me angry at the same time that he contacts me.

His recent contact was "poor me this" and "poor me that" he NEVER asks how I am. He says now he is struggling with abandonment issues and that he has no one and is all alone. That he is really sad. I shouldn't feel bad for him but I do. I still have no desire to ever see him or talk to him again and that makes me hurt for him too that I feel this way.

I start to feel better about my life and then BOOM he contacts me and it just sucks all the life out of me again. It would be so much worse if I were living with him again so at least I have the physical separation from him. He is a miserable person whether he is with me or not and I'm tired of his contact. I want to text him to tell him to leave me alone that every time he does this it sets me back, but I know I can't he's not a normal person. He would relish that he gets to me and can make me miserable like him.

I feel like this will never end

barcher144 posted 2/1/2021 11:33 AM

I understand this fully. Been there, done that.

I don't really have helpful advice (at least I don't have advice that you don't already know), but I have been through so much of this.

I basically told myself "not my circus, not my monkey" until I did better with crap like this.

I am still not perfect... I went from May 31, 2018 until September 2020 without any significant depression symptoms.

What happened in September? I sat in a courtroom for 6 hours, listening to STBXW testifying about the fact that she believes that I am horrible person. All of her testimony was biased and twisted, if not dishonest, and even though I knew that... it still hurt and I spent the next 2-3 days feeling like a worthless lump of crap.

And, finally, to be honest... he *is* someone deserving of pity, in precisely the same way that Gollum deserves pity. He is a miserable, horrible human being and he knows that all too well. Above all else, he hates himself. And unlike YOU, he cannot divorce himself.

Just do your best at NC and moving on. I promise that it gets better with practice.

skeetermooch posted 2/1/2021 21:46 PM

CBS, my ex did the exact same thing continually. I finally realized it was a load of bs. He's been partying, dating, seeing hookers, adopting a puppy, getting a new job and new place to live - basically living a life that bears no resemblance to the sad sack he presented to me on a regular basis. I want to kick myself for feeling sorry for him.

He was trying to keep me on reserve in case the new life didn't come together or in case he changed his mind and wanted to be married. I think the fear of getting discarded like a sack of trash is what got me to finally stop getting sucked in.

I don't doubt they have some sense of loss, but I highly doubt your ex is full time sad - like we are in the aftermath of their actions. He's sad in a little compartment that he opens up because it works on you.

The1stWife posted 2/1/2021 21:55 PM

Maybe obtain a parenting app and only use it to discuss kids or schedules or very specific topics.

Then block him on your phone.

Or STOP 🛑 reading his texts. You donít owe him anything but details about your children.

If he upsets you ó stop letting him have the opportunity to upset you.

OwningItNow posted 2/1/2021 22:16 PM

I have never been the physically separated or divorced parent of younger kids, but I still think that unless he was in possession of my children at that moment, I would keep him blocked. People like him have nothing to share about the children, only info about himself. Just block him and don't tell him you did it.

The many strongly narcissistic exes in my past still, decades later, tug at my heart strings. I cannot explain it, and it honestly bothers me. My very ill and most likely dangerous psychopathic ex who is so mentally unwell now that he receives monthly disability has been sending me wacky snail mail loaded with political rants and juvenile memories and grievances. I have no desire to make merry with him or run off, but his letters upset me.

I've decided it is this: I feel so uncomfortable and restless and powerless when people that I care/cared about are so miserable. It helps to say, "Not my monkey," and I shake it off faster than years ago. But in the end, codependent types are so strongly empathetic and plugged into others that we just can't not care. We get depressed vicariously, like when Elliot gets sick because E.T. is sick. We're so plugged in to others. It just shows what a truly generous and caring heart you have, crazyblindsided.

Just keep reminding yourself (and your FOO instincts) that you did not cause it, and if you could solve it for him, you would. But you cannot, not when married and not when divorcing. You cannot control how he handles his own life, his decisions, his attitude. Taking care of you is not an attack on him; he is hurting himself. As an fyi, this is the common outcome for a narcissist. They suffer in their older years because they have alienated too many people and end up alone. But that is due to them, their illness, their inability to change and grow.

The narcissists I've known have ended up alone and lonely. They ruin every relationship.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:19 PM, February 1st (Monday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 2/1/2021 22:41 PM

I can totally relate. My xwh moved 1.5 miles from me a month ago. I see him almost every day in his car. It has really upended my calm lifeójust seeing him. I canít imagine for you- having him text you-would feel.

Just keep pushing on, but donít tell him to stop-bc youíre right, heíd come in stronger bc he would see a weak place.

You might get your atty to call his atty, or ask your atty to put in the final decree restraining orders. You can get an idea of my restraining orders by googling Judge Browns restraining orders in South Carolina. Maybe your state has similar standards, or your atty could add to the decree that neither party is to contact the other party except thru the parenting app.

Bigger posted 2/2/2021 06:48 AM

He says now he is struggling with abandonment issues and that he has no one and is all alone.

I didn't abandon you. I divorced you, thereby removing myself from your issues. Please go and be abandoned and all alone without my involvement...

crazyblindsided posted 2/2/2021 12:55 PM

Thank you glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. It's not like he ever felt sorry for me while he was having his A's or after them. I will continue to ignore because explaining myself to him just adds fuel to his fire.

I am going to talk to my lawyer about this because it's hard for me not to read the text. It will be nice when the kids are grown and there will be no reason for contact I will just block or change my number. I may even move.

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