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Pain Management

Merti posted 2/16/2021 10:34 AM

Hello,
My husband of 12 years is having an affair for almost 2 years. I was unaware of it for the first 15 months. The rest is as you know, cake eating and my struggle to be the best person in the world so that he stops this.
I am in the process of separation. You will mention a divorce but I need to take one step at a time and I need to separate first.
He hides the truth. He minimizes the affair. Each day I find out something new. I am not in a detective mode anymore but I still find out something new all the time. It crushes me to pieces. I shouldnít care at this stage of separation, but I do and I get so upset about each new information.
Is it simply because we are in the same house? Is it because he still acts like he loves me and cannot live away from me? Will such triggers disappear once we separate?
Of course he hates the idea of moving out because he cannot think of a life without me(!). I show no emotions to him and do nothing for him at home, but I still get seriously stressed out about what he has done to me. Is it normal to care even after 15 months?

EllieKMAS posted 2/16/2021 10:51 AM

my struggle to be the best person in the world so that he stops this.
I know you were struggling with this, but hope you aren't still. His cheating had nothing to do with you and you can't make him stop anything, no matter how nice or good you are.

He hides the truth. He minimizes the affair. Each day I find out something new. I am not in a detective mode anymore but I still find out something new all the time. It crushes me to pieces. I shouldnít care at this stage of separation, but I do and I get so upset about each new information.
Of course you're upset about this! As much as we wish it were different, feelings can't just be turned off like a faucet. Don't pressure yourself to 'should' anything. What you feel is what you feel, and it isn't wrong.

FWIW, most of my triggers and constant angst dissipated once we separated. I still have things of course, and still have had to work through my feelings, but for me, I found that way easier to do without my xwh around.

Of course he hates the idea of moving out because he cannot think of a life without me(!).
This is narc manipulation, nothing more. He can't think of life without you because of how it affects HIM, how it changes HIS life.

Bottom line, if he really felt this intensely about losing you, you wouldn't be here because he wouldn't have done something so awful to you in the first place. That was a bitter pill for me to swallow too, but the more I dug into my xwh's actions (not his words), the more I came to realize that his first and only concern was for HIMSELF, not his wife.

nekonamida posted 2/16/2021 10:56 AM

Is it simply because we are in the same house? Is it because he still acts like he loves me and cannot live away from me? Will such triggers disappear once we separate?

I do think that some of this would be easier if he was not in the same house. You won't be able to to stumble across his continuous cheating if it's not being done right in front of you. He won't have 24/7 access to spin his lies and manipulation to make you feel bad. The triggers will lessen when he's not rubbing them in your face every day.

If he won't leave, would it be possible for you to arrange moving out? Have you asked a lawyer about if you'd be able to initiate a physical separation with the paperwork you have filed which would require him to move out?

skeetermooch posted 2/16/2021 13:57 PM

In a 12 year marriage the revelation of an affair is hugely traumatic. Every new discovery is another wound. It's really normal to feel like you do. Living together is tricky because there are moments when you might feel utterly normal, like pre-dday, while other times you're keenly aware that everything's been blown to pieces. You'll find detachment, clarity and healing once separated. So sorry you're suffering.

Merti posted 2/18/2021 11:58 AM

Thank you for your replies. As I mentioned I am in the process of separation, but I question myself from time to time, but he knows nothing about my internal monologues.

This person has always been a caring and loving spouse. A hardworking generous husband. He is not a serial cheater. I wish he were, as it would make it much easier for me. After my cancer diagnosis he changed; and several months after that the affair started.

I never needed his help as I continued working because the treatment was short. I am now fully recovered so he doesnít need to feel bad about anything. I try to talk to him and he just sits there quietly. I tell him we will go our own separate ways but he will not say a word. When I push him to talk all he says to me I love you, I cannot live without you, to which I do not respond and then I leave the room. I didnít get married alone, we talked about it, now why canít we talk about separation like two adults?

I donít know what kind of cake eating this is, I show no emotions to him and we live in separate floors in the same house. I do nothing for him anymore. I tell him we are not enemies and we can separate quietly. Why canít he just tell me that he wants to continue his new life so that I can continue mine? Instead he tells me that he needs help and wants to get out of this mess but doesnít know how? He is a smart successful person so I cannot believe him.

I had a wonderful marriage and I wish that none of it had happened. But I will not let him keep me in this unfair position.

Why, even though we let them go, will they resist to go? I donít want to question my decision or look back, not even once.

[This message edited by Merti at 12:13 PM, February 18th (Thursday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/18/2021 12:10 PM

As I mentioned I am in the process of separation, but I constantly question myself.
I think questioning yourself when making a huge life decision is pretty normal.

Why canít he just tell me that he wants to continue his new life so that I can continue mine? Instead he tells me that he needs help and wants to get out of this mess but doesnít know how? He is a smart successful person so I cannot believe him.
You don't need him to tell you anything - you need to make the choice that is best for YOU. And yeah... he figured out how to have an affair all by himself with no help from you, so he needs to just suck it up and figure out how to manage the fallout too. Mine did that too and it infuriated me. It's just self-pitying nonsense. Because realistically speaking, separation and divorce are pretty standard consequences for an affair. He can't be surprised at that outcome.

Why, even though we let them go, will they resist to go? I donít want to question my decision or look back, not even once.
Because if yours is anything like mine, he just DID, with no regard to any of the consequences. And now that he is faced with actual consequences for his poor decision making, he wants to act like a helpless child. So annoying.

And you will look back still. I am 2.5 years past dday1, 15 months D'd and I still look back and question sometimes. It's okay to do that you know. It takes time to process through all of it.

Luna10 posted 2/18/2021 12:17 PM

Iím no expert, God only knows that I became a wreck on dday and spent a strong couple of years as such.


But... I think you feel like itís in your power to save him. You donít want to abandon him. He does indeed sound depressed and like he is having a breakdown. However I can tell you that what youíre doing now is not helping him and it is definitely not helping you. He makes no decision about his life because he isnít forced to make any, whilst you put your life on hold because... he was once a good guy?

He isnít that good guy anymore. He had an affair when you got diagnosed with cancer. Thatís despicable. (Not that thereís ever an appropriate time to have an affair). I remember being scared like hell on dday and the months that followed. My husband was also ďa good guyĒ so I had no clue that the affair could come my way. I was terrified of life without him. I can only imagine what adding cancer on top of that must feel like.

There are time when choosing you is the best possible way to ensure youíre not sinking with the ship. And at the moment heís sinking and taking you with him.

From outside though itís so visible that you CAN help him. You need to cut the cord, set him free whilst you set yourself free. That will force him to decide where his life takes him and head that way. And if he decides that life is with you... well make sure you take a huuuuuge amount of time to decide if heís worth back in your life. And if he decides his life is somewhere else youíve helped him to make that decision and gain your self worth and control over you life again.

Bea222 posted 2/18/2021 15:49 PM

I came on this new forum from the other ones trying to save my marriage. As I have made the desision of giving up and spiting. I read your post and I would just be asking and rewriting your story if I did 😢😢 I'm asking for the same advice. Husband of 16 years one year affair won't stop. I have were living like the perfect family can't take it anymore I need to stop it all as I can't keep living in a bubble anymore. I feel your pain but what we have been through finding everything out the lies. surly doing it, breaking free, leaving this misery can't be harder

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