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It's Friday night and i'm aware of the days of the week for the first time in years. It's the first time in years that I've thought about going out. It's the first time that I'm alone and it's the weekend. I never cared what day it was when I was with my husband--I knew that we'd be together no matter what was going on. Now, though, I'm all by myself. I am highly aware of being alone on a Friday night, but I keep reminding myself to enjoy this time to heal and time to rest. I miss him, though. I miss the way he smelled and the way I felt in his arms. I miss the company and having someone to talk to. I haven't been alone in years and Friday night is a lonely time to remember that. I have grieved quickly for the loss of my marriage; I hated my husband for a long time before we actually got to this point. I was, it seems, just waiting for that catalyst, that one thing that would be his "deal-breaker," but I never seemed to get it. I guess I can see now that that's because it wasn't my fault. He isn't the way he is because of anything I've done. He isn't the way he is because of anything I should have done. He is the way he is, however, and that is never going to change. Tonight, I am finally feeling lonely.

[This message edited by blindsided03 at 11:09 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

It is now early Saturday morning here, I just got home from going for coffee, and taking a friend shopping at Walmart.

During the worst, I would often go to sleep with the TV on, just to have some background noise to drown out my thoughts, and it was more comforting to have dreams influenced by the movies showing than what was rattling around inside my head.

It is amazing how much you can lose sight of when the shitstorm happens. When you think there is nobody else there, you are forgetting about the important one who may have become a bit of a stranger to you. Take this time to get to know blindsided again. You need never be truly alone. In the meantime, don't hesitate to go out, just to remind yourself that there are people out there, and that life continues. Most of the happy people out there have actually been through this at some point in their lives, on one side or the other.

(((blindsided03)))

we all get it, we really do. all of us on SI have had a lot of "firsts" to face alone.

it's scary, overwhelming, lonely. especially at the beginning when you are still trying to figure out exactly what just happened.

as Aesir said, please make time to focus on yourself. i'm sure its hard to imagine doing that but its truly the first step in healing.