SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What Marz said with the addition that like others have noted, she's stringing you along. I would suspect she's waiting to see if the other man's wife divorces him. If that happens then she can safely leave you and branch to him. Don't continue to be plan B. Hand her the filled-out divorce paperwork and tell her to choose right now. If she signs, file it and ask her to move out. If she won't sign, then she needs to immediately fill out a timeline with all details no matter how small. She also needs to answer all questions without hesitation and she needs to show full commitment to you and fix this now. Stop allowing her to control your life. She's already run it into the ditch. Take the gas can and matches away from her.

She begins working at the job site, and I start noticing she talks about him A LOT at home.

Big red flag we often figure out too late.

When she says that she "doesn’t feel safe", it sounds to me that she is calculating her odds. She’s not too sure about her future with the OM, so she doesn’t want to risk it with you by telling you too much. So I agree with the others, she’s having trouble choosing between her husband and her brand new BF.

I’d be willing to bet that she’s still "in love" with the OM and you are the backup plan (and the babysitter for her kids).

Reluctantly, I have to agree with ShutterHappy.

The other posters here i also agree with. The old adage that, to save the marriage, you have to be willing to risk it all.

This may work out, or it may not, and I think you understand that. If she is not doing the bulk of the work to make it happen, you're wasting your time.

From the mistakes that I made, and those of all the others that have come before you, it is most important for her to realize that you leave her unless you get full transparency, and the full truth. If it takes filing for the divorce and telling her there are no more second chances, that may shake her out of the fog.

Walk into the discussion assuming your are splitting up. Start discussing property splits, separate bank accounts and expenses to begin immediately, ask her who her lawyer is and how yours can contact him, the possibility of a lawsuit against the company and individuals involved, and anything else along those lines. You have to make it real, and immediate.

if you see no improvement in her attitude and cooperation, and her actually putting forth the effort, follow through and get on with your life.

The worst thing you can do it let it linger on, that only brings contempt and pain.

Basic things:

Take care of yourself, physical health and mentally, exercise, hydrate, etc.

Do nothing without seeing a lawyer first. Do not move out of the residence, but I wish I had kicked my fWW out for at least some period of time. I did exactly as you are doing, and years later I feel she paid no real consequence for her actions. Make it real. She needs to see her future without you in it.

[This message edited by twisted at 2:49 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

She hand picked her other man over you. Right now he is in the lead.

You'd be better off to take yourself out of the equation rather than lower your status of playing the pick me dance.

Grasping at straws and trying to see hope where there isn't any will not work in your favor.

Hard 180.

She isn't any where close to remorseful and she needs to get there first before you can reconcile.

Your wife is not the woman you married, that woman is gone, you love the old version. Your marriage is gone. She may change, you may be be to build a new relationship, but both husband and wife have to be all in and it will be difficult and might even fail.

Get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", read it, that is what she should be doing. Give the book to her. If she reads it and tries to follow it you might have a slim chance for R.

I love her, why didn't/doesn't she love me?

I would say she is likely one of those people that aren't capable of love in the way you are thinking. In there somewhere is likely a very damaged person that has gotten really good at hiding it.

At this point her actions are telling you that she doesn't want the same relationship that you do.

In all of my years of reading stories and seeing what works and what doesn't I can tell you one thing. You can't nice your WS back into R or even the M. It seems to be even less effective for WW in a limerant affair.

It goes back to respect. The level of respect she had for you to make the choice that she did has not been repaired. While her head is still in the clouds she sees your "soft" attempts at weakness versus a genuine love and admiration for her.

I think you need to take a very hard line approach. Make decisions only in your best interests with the goal of moving on from this time in your life.

The real think you want to figure out is if she is willing to fight for you, right ? Taking a hard line towards 180 to Separation to planning for Divorce gives her plenty of chances to try and fight for you. The risk is that she might not, but at least you know how deep her love for you really is and can move on knowing that you saved yourself a lifetime of misery being a giver to her taker.

You can change directions at any point, but you are not dealing with the same woman you married. She might be gone, permanently. At least by taking a direct approach to get things in your life moving in direction that you want you will always look back on this moment in time and regret not at least trying to fix it.

You are never going to nice her back into R or the M. She isn't right in the head and is so caught up in the fact that she sees two men wanting to fight for her. She likely gets off on that thought. Remove yourself from that toxic dynamic. Stand firm.

If she does have an epiphany (emphasis on does) wants to come back you are in a lot better position to dictate the terms of that reconciliation. She did wrong, you did not. The lions share of the work needs to fall to her.

Get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", read it, that is what she should be doing. Give the book to her. If she reads it and tries to follow it you might have a slim chance for R.

I just ordered it on Amazon, yesterday.

I wish I had come across this site sooner in this process. It seems pretty unanimous that I'm just playing the role of pitiful BS in my "marriage". I think the logic is pretty clear here. I will focus on my recovery and leave the door open to reconciliation, but should probably just begin to let go of the hope that this will end the way I'd like it to, as none of the facts actually inspire much in the way of hope.

In my next therapy session we'll be looking into EMDR to help cope with the trauma and recurring thoughts I'm experiencing. Anyone have any success with that?

but logical approach that says that no major, life-altering decisions should be made for at least the first 3 months

This is reserved for when the WS is remorseful and doing the work.

Nothing ends Limmerence quicker than being served.

Time to take back the control in your relationship, and that means not tolerating her half assed attempt to keep you from filing. I know it hurts, but brother, she is broken. This has NOTHING to do with you and the man you are or the ability to be a great H. This is about her and her baggage.

I encourage you to be brave, and make a strong move.

Demand she quit the job, she get into IC, she start doing the real work on herself, and if not, there is the door. Either way it gets YOU out of infidelity, and allows you to start healing.

When you start detaching, things will slowly get better. It’s a bit like an account with 5% interest. You can check your account every hour and won’t see much change. But over time, it adds up.

Oh and this, if you ever wonder:

we haven’t been on good terms, but she is rabid with me

...is very very common with cheaters. They just justify their bad behavior by creating conflicts. "I have no choice but get in a new relationship because my spouse is so bad. He/she forgot to buy the milk, so I justifiably yelled at him/her and it’s obvious we don’t love each other anymore, we’re like stranger, not really married. If only she/he had bought the milk..."

Hang in there, it will get better

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 2:27 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

Hopium addiction won't do anything but keep you bound and gives your wayward total control

Hang in there, it will get better

I really hope so. I'm a mess, and this has spilled into and negatively impacted every other area of my life. It sucks to feel so alone in dealing with a mess you didn't make.

MGTRN73:

You have received some great advice. Hang in there it will get better. I agree with tushnurse that is time for you to make a strong move and take back control.

This is a second M for both of you and at the time of your DDay you had been M less than two years. This early in your M it should have been a time of joy in the relationship. You were just coming off of a stressful work period for you when you were not available much. During this period that you were working long hours your WW starts a new job and in less than a month on the new job is in an A with her supervisor. Upon being exposed she’s ambivalent about saving the M.

It seems to me that this was an exit A for her. Your new M wasn’t turning out to be what she wanted and she decided that this was a way to monkey branch onto a new relationship and leave you. She certainly doesn’t seem overly upset about you finding out. She doesn’t seem overly concerned with showing you empathy or remorse. Just my two cents.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:58 PM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

See your doctor and tell him what you told us.

He can prescribe meds to help you.

You should be contacting her workplace and report to HR the affair. He is more senior than her and will get dismissed. Get angry, dude, in a constructive way by fucking up the AP’s life like he did yours. There should be consequences.

And go to your doctor so he can place you on anti-anxiety or depression tablets for a short while. You’re traumatised.

I would have a talk with my boss and let him know what you're going through. No details needed. They've probably dealt with this before.

Have you let family and friends know of your WW behavior? Shining light onto her secrets can impact her still trying to pine for AP

How are you doing today MGTRN73 ?

Sorry for the late follow-up. I thank you all for the advice I’ve been given. I have shifted to a more realistic assessment of things as I’ve read through those replies, and other people’s situations on this forum. Crazy how you don’t really pick up on some things until you hear someone else saying them, then it’s like, “Duh.”

We both have to work on our communication with each other, it’s never been a strong suit in our relationship. However, in what I know of my wife, it seems she is coming around to beginning to express some remorse and empathy. According to some of what I’ve read and researched, after a few months of detachment from the AP, sometimes the WSes start to think more clearly and budge from the state of stupidity they were in during their affair(s). Obviously, I don’t know this for sure, but I’m getting a little less vitriol from her recently. We’re a long way from anything resembling real “hope”, but I’m seeing some changes, however small. Either way, I’ve accepted that I need to be the focus of my recovery—not her, not our marriage. If those fall into place, great. We’ll just have to see.

Then again, I started the process of EMDR with my therapist last night, followed that up with my first session of the Harboring Hope program with Affair Recovery, and got a spontaneous message of apology/humility from my wife this morning, so I may just be riding a wave of positivity.

Either way, thanks for checking up on me @numb&dumb.

[This message edited by MGTRN73 at 8:06 AM, August 14th (Wednesday)]