SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a BS my interaction on this site is not "secret" or "kept from" my H. He can access my posts and pm's at any time. I do not say anything here that I would not say infront of him and I am pretty open here. He chooses not to read here.

As far as thinking or worrying that people online are getting more from a BS than the WS is getting in terms of communication, or that the BS is getting more of their needs met online than from the WS, then I would say the WS needs to figure out what the BS needs and work to meet those needs so the BS do not feel the desire to meet those legitimate needs online.

I will grant that perhaps a BS or two will not allow their WS to meet this need, not accept their attempts to meet this need and stubbornly hold on to the online connection. BUT seriously, the majority of BS here trying to R (IMO- even though this is a wonderful place and we are all privileged to be here) would love to feel fullfilled in the needs they have after D-day from their WS alone and not feel the need to come online seeking understanding, wisdom,kindness,empathy,encouragement, etc. we would love to get that from our spouse. (again just my POV, other BS may see things differently)

I can only emphasize as an apologetic, remorseful, loving husband, who is searching from my wife’s passion again.

My H is apologetic, remorseful and loving, but that does not meet all my needs. We each one have our own unique set of needs, my H may think he is doing enough to meet the needs he thinks I should have, but really he is not. I can and do acknowledge what he has and is doing, but it is lacking in what I specifically need for ME. I have to either live without what I need or figure out another way to get it or grow out of it or through it or whatever. Just something to think about. Also what was enough prior to D-day in a M to keep it going, for some of us BS is not enough after.

Grace

5) These other individuals become their “go to” when something important, positive or negative happens to them. They begin to have discussions that deliberately move these new contacts into the role of primary support or caregiver—this occurs as they start to share their deepest struggles, life’s ambitions and intimate longings. These conversations create a powerful “no-one-else-understands-me-like-they-do” bond.

7) Your partner deceives you. This is a clear indication that they are stepping outside the boundaries of the relationship. If you ask your partner about their day, they omit any reference to the conversations above (aka secretive #3), and even if you know about them, they may go out of their way to minimize their significance.

Let's make sure, first, that we know that this board has many constituincies. In Just Found out it is folks that have been walloped and are trying to figure out how to proceed. In Divorce/Separation it is folks figuring out how move on. Same for New Beginnings.

There parts of this community where your list really couldn't apply.

For places like Reconciliation where your question might apply, I'd say that any "relationship" can be twisted into the wrong shape. If folks are trying to reconcile and holding secrets as in 7 or have made this board the primary support as in 5, then there is an issue.

That issue though, isn't the site itself. It is the person that is turning away from a spouse and hiding things.

If you attempt to take this to the extreme you could wind up saying the same about church or about a support group that meets weekly.

This is a healthy, healing community. The moderators and members do a tremendous job helping folks to heal. Yes, it is possible for this resource to wind up being part of the problem, but that is an individual human failing not this community's failing.

Interesting topic . . .

HIH: When D-Day strikes, we all know emotions are flying high. The BS/BSO realizes there has been a huge breach of trust and breakdown in intimacy. We discover so many hidden barriers. In a lot of cases, the WS/WSO has been confiding our private lives to the OP. We aren't sure NC is being honored. The WS/WSO did not have our best interests at heart to say the least. We are afraid. It's dangerous, risky, and naive for any BS/BSO to think all of sudden we can rely soley on a person who has been our polar opposite in faithfulness. We need and seek help.

Enter SI. It's a beginning, a way of not being alone to cope with despair and devastation. I am R'ing WITH my WSO and SI is our primary RESOURCE. Because we have chosen to R, SI is a vehicle to help us get to where we want to be as a couple. This has been a journey for sure.

In the past, WSO was defensive and critical of SI because it challenged his preferred (at the time)thinking. I believe he felt threatened. To a conflict avoider and someone who uses escape as a coping mechanism, any type of therapy or SI can/could be intimidating.

No doubt that I am more active on SI than WSO.

But there is no denying that both of us individually and as a couple, have benefited from the wisdom of SI's members. In a way, SI has been like an arbitrator and mediator throughout our R. As situations arise, the strength of our R will be tested and it's great to know that SI is here for both of us. Like everything, it's a choice and as Fallen said:

As long as the support is appropriate, crosses no boundaries, AND the BS is also making their feelings known to the WS, then there is nothing wrong with it.

When Fallen said:

WSes seek escape. BSes seek understanding. That's a pretty significant difference.

This is an important perspective. Understanding gives us the power to think and learn. I wanted that power to think and learn in order to handle my emotions, heal, and make progress.

HIH:

searching for my wife's passion again

Maybe your wife is like a lot of BS/BSO who are passionate enough to seek understanding, healing, and resolution. In our case, the more "passion" WSO demonstrates for his/our healing, the more passionate I feel about him/us.

BS here...IMO SI is totally anonymous, designed to help others work through the issue of infidelity...IMO it is not the same as sharing a conversation with a co-worker that becomes more personal , that develops into even more personal exchanges that couldn't be shared in a group, that evolves into texting/phoning,lying to your spouse , keeping secrets, meeting up and possibly PA. SI shouldn't be giving you those "little feelings" that make you want to engage with that "one" person over and over again.. I hide nothing from my WS..I have all my passwords written next to the computer so he can feel free to check anything i do, anytime. This will sounds bitchy but I feel if someone on this site finds this site to be like cheating then perhaps there are still issues with Boundaries and truth...just my opinion

I'm looking at HowIHeal's post less like "is SI cheating?" and more like "why are some BSs okay with sharing their intimate thoughts and feelings with others but not their spouse?" Maybe I'm looking at it wrong.

I get that a BS needs support and understanding that they may feel unable to get from the person who betrayed them. But (if in R) it does seem to me that most of the confiding, expressing of needs, making each other feel safe & the number-one priority, etc., should happen *primarily* between the spouses. I look at SI like a combination of therapy and a group of good friends. It's not harmful, in fact very helpful---but IMO only if used in addition to healing the M, not in place of. I mean, if my XH were talking the talk about wanting this new relationship of totally open & honest communication, no holding back, no leaving things unsaid or not worked through if something is bothering us (which he has said)---but then was going to his friends and talking about our issues instead of coming to me, I would take exception to that. And the same is true the other way around, with me: if I were letting things fester between us in person but ONLY talking it through/venting/getting support on SI, I guarantee he'd have a huge problem with that.

It wouldn't be because we'd be questioning each other's boundaries or having a cheating intent...it would be because only allowing outsiders to help us to the exclusion of each other is the absolute antithesis of what we are trying to build together.

Again, that is only my opinion about those who are in R where the WS is remorseful. Those in S/D or with an unremorseful WS, my thoughts don't apply.

Fallen hit the nail on the head.

Yes, it's important for both spouses to communicate with each other. However, there's a major component that has to be in place before a BS can do this:

The BS has to feel safe enough to turn to the WS with her feelings and be vulnerable in that way.

Howiheal, what are you doing to earn your way back to being the person your BS turns to first?

That's the crux of the issue, and it's the only thing you have control of in the situation.

I'm looking at HowIHeal's post less like "is SI cheating?" and more like "why are some BSs okay with sharing their intimate thoughts and feelings with others but not their spouse?"

If that's the real question, then the best answer would be obtained by asking the specific BS who is engaging in this behavior.

If I had to guess why, it would be that the WS has in some way indicated that he/she isn't receptive to hearing BS's thoughts about the betrayal.

If the WS says "Shouldn't you be over this by now?" that's a pretty clear signal to the BS.

Why would a BS revert back to seeking support from their cheating spouse? Because they deem us worthy of another chance. Because they love us enough to risk their broken hearts with us again.

Well said, Fallen...

howiheal,

Interesting thread.

After reading your (and everyone else's) posts, I am left wondering why after 2 1/2 years here, you really do wonder about the value and appropriateness of BS seeking help here on SI.

After your reading here for 2 plus years, isn't it evident that the aftermath of a D-day(s) for the BS (and WS) does go through almost predictable cycles of acute pain and various cycles of need. Isn't it evident that BS will and do come here because for many there is nowhere else to go for balance and sanity in those early manic and panic stages.

However, as time goes on, BS hopefully do recover some balance and perspective, but *then* he or she has to now contend with the actual life decision to R or not to R.

As has been said, the victim does not go to the perpetrator for solace or clarity. However, they do silently watch and listen to the WS for signs that he or she and the marriage is worth the journey back.

You do admit that you likely will never really know what your BS has and is going through after betrayal.

If so, why speculate if seeking help here is a good thing or possibly a BS's unknowing form of infidelity?

How can you know its value if you honestly can't really relate to her inner thoughts. Thoughts that a BS may struggle to even verbalize, but then, like many BS here, she may see a thread that expresses her concerns or provides needed clarity or validation. Providing support and perspective which she then can take back to her private process of healing oneself.

SI is great and should be the primary resource for any BS IMHO.

Now, as I said earlier: bad boundaries can lead to EAs/OAs even here. Didn't it happen in the past and mods created new rules?

Now, as I said earlier: bad boundaries can lead to EAs/OAs even here. Didn't it happen in the past and mods created new rules?

Yes, there have been several EA's/PA's between members that turned out very badly and very publicly. That's why the Dating forum (it was never meant as a *dating* forum, but a forum for those that had started dating again in the real world to gather and talk about their experiences)was reinvented into the NB forum and the Relationship guideline was born.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 7:11 AM, May 31st (Thursday)]