SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is open to BS and WS.

I have very weak boundaries, always have. It has to do with my search for validation/acceptance/approval from anyone who will give it to me.

WSs, can you share some ways you've strengthened your boundaries since discovery or confession of your affair(s)? BSs, can you share what your WS has done?

Thanks in advance.

Once I became aware of the importance of boundaries I noticed that I am a very talkative, friendly person (like, in stores and stuff). I realized that idly chatting with men is unnecessary. A couple of times after d-day I realized that this causes a banter to occur. Why? Why is this necessary? So, I make sure not to make conversation with men for no reason. For example, one time I was buying my breakfast and the clerk was friendly to me. I started joking around with him and then I noticed that each time after that when I came in, he was getting friendlier. Then he asked, 'coming in tomorrow?' and I realized...boundary alert. So, I said coldly, 'I don't know'. Every time after that I made sure I was cold to him so as not to give the wrong signal. He started to ignore me and move onto the next 'friendly' customer I guess.

My point is, now I realize that it's just not appropriate or necessary to make chit chat with men.

Another time I realized this I was in the diner with my gf for lunch and gf got up to go to the bathroom. A Dave Matthews song came on and a few guys were sitting at the table behind me and one said, "Awesome song" and I LOVE DM and normally I would have turned around and started a conversation with them about DMBand. BUT, the new 'boundaries firmly in place me' didn't. Again, absolutely no reason to start chatting it up with these guys.

Just becoming aware is key. Have you read Not Just Friends? The author talks about walls and windows in the marriage. I now have a very protective wall around me and my BH (and my kids). It is us, the couple first, family first...nobody can penetrate the wall. Think of how you would act if your H was there. If you wouldn't say it or do it in front of him, then it's not okay.

Having boundaries in place feels good. Once you start you will realize that validation from the outside world is not what makes you feel good inside.

Are you in IC trying to figure out why you seek this and how to learn healthier behaviors?

I wish I could help more, but my A had nothing to do with validation or approval, but I was looking for acceptance.

I think with me I wanted someone who accepted me for who I was, just me. Yes. my H accepts me for who I am, but I wasen't getting any attention, love, affection, etc. from him at all. I mean nothing. A kiss good morning and good night, that was it.

Showing affection and feeling alive is what I was seeking and needed. I wanted someone to show they loved me, just not say it. I wanted to talk and laugh with someone. I still never got that from my H.

[This message edited by CookiesAZ at 10:11 PM, March 19th (Friday)]

I was thinking about this the other day and realized how often I have had poor boundaries with male colleagues etc. I didn't even realize it most of the time. All it takes is one of those guys to also have bad boundaries and it's a recipe for disaster.

Here's how I have advanced. I have become more aware when men are flirting with me and switch the conversation or opt out. I leave sexual or flirtatious innuendos/jokes out of my conversations. Basically, I have started acting more like a lady and less like "one of the guys." A keen sense of awareness and self-censoring is key, I think.

I don't make "good"

male friends anymore. Period. I look for female friends.

I am a little paranoid, actually, about having conversations with men these days. Not that I think I would do anything. I just wonder about "shutting them down" even if I am am not sure if they are flirting with me. Does that make any sense? Doesn't matter though, I would rather be a bitch than a cheat.

Finally, I try to think about it like this. Don't say anything, email anything, text anything, that you would not want your BH to see. Period.

Great that you are looking into this issue, heartbroken. Shows how much you are trying.

The book:

"Boundaries, where you end and I begin." http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Fireside-Parkside-Recovery-Book/dp/0671791931

has been extremely helpful in my own life.

Ditto, oddly:

"7 habits of highly effective people"... http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-People/dp/0671708635

which was required reading for a communications class in college.