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How do I get past the shame?

I think I am ok some days, I feel good about myself, proud about my steps forwards...

And other days I am just so disgusted and ashamed. I can't understand how BH can ever forgive me.

When I was about 20 I remember sitting in the bathtub, totally underwater, trying to cleanse away shame about things I had done. Let's just say I was pretty wild in college. I would try to think that I was starting over, like a born-again virgin.

As a pragmatist, I obviously knew this was silly.

I have held on to those old shames for 15 years. But now what I have done to BH is so so so much worse.

Any tips for trying to get over this? BH doesn't want me to feel bad anymore...it hurts him if I can't focus on the present.

I can't help you. I keep falling down on this one too.

Shame was a lesson I learned early in life, and too well.

Guilt at least *can* motivate you to do the right thing. What the hell use is shame?

It's funny, how you mention the born-again virgin thing. My parents are evangelical Christians. I "deconverted" years ago and identify as an atheist. But, now? I sometimes think wistfully about that fresh start, the tabula rasa that Christian theology offers. I understand in my bones why people turn to religion in times like this.

(I hope I don't regret saying that here, where most people are Christians. I don't mean any disrespect, but I also won't appreciate any attempts to proselytize me.)

Contemplating Bubbles:

Little Bubbles of life float to the surface,

Some popping with a soft tick as soon as they hit the air,

Others swimming gently, silently sliding across the water,

Tiny pockets of air, flowing one right after another.

Slow spurts, a little at a time, then a fast ejection, slow then fast.

Finally, all the bubbles cease to exist.

Eyes the color of moss on bark blink beneath the water.

They watch through the liquid shimmer.

The lights twinkling on the other side of the parade of bubbles are smudges.

Pressure builds inside; the need for oxygen starts to cause pain.

Muscles twitch craving breath,

Eyes stare; the brightness in the room starts to turn gray around the edges.

Just wait, wait.

Hands flash out of the water to grip the slippery sides of the tub.

Water sloshes, spilling onto the floor.

Jack-knifing at the waist, she gasps, her neck arched,

Greedily sucking in a huge lungful of air, precious air.

The violent hands of the water slicked back her nutmeg hair.

A dark v between her tense shoulders,

As she breathes, she lets her hands slide off the rim of the tub.

Her knees bend like rusty hinges cracking in the silence.

She wraps her shaking arms around her legs and holds them to her chest.

Her head rocks down to rest upon the top of her knees

Contemplating Bubbles.

I thought that I would walk around with shame in my heart for everything... For ever.

Honesty, confession, asking forgiveness... they don't seem to be enough do they?

On Sunday I went to a family gathering and church with Wal's family (the whole family: 20 peeps!). On the way home, I realized that it was the first time that I didn't feel shame. The first time that I didn't feel like his whole family was looking down on me. The first time that I wasn't looking down on me.

It was a sweet feeling, not bitter-sweet but soft. I know what I did will always be a part of our past. I won't ever forget. It was the first time that it felt like it was the past.

A friend called it finding Peace. It was. It was finding peace in my inner self.

It's so new and feels so ephemeral.

I think that I had to work through all of the past to get here. I had to look deeply at what I was ashamed of and why I was holding on to the shame.

I read the book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You." by John Bradshaw.

I also prayed for God's forgiveness and for Him to help me lift the feelings of shame from myself.

I don't know if any of that helps you... I hope that you find your way.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 7:58 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

You can't let go of the shame entirely. You will need it to remind you - when necessary - the price that is paid for straying from your boundaries.

But you need to learn how to simply store it away as a tool. A tool to be brought out of the tool chest and used when needed but otherwise left closed up in that tool box.

You are 2+ years past ending your A's. You are doing what you need to do. You should feel proud that you are strong enough to stay the course. Proud that you are doing what you need to do. Proud that you have the courage to face your demons and stomp them down.

You have to get to the point where you cease defining yourself as "the W who cheated" and begin seeing yourself as "the W who is making my H a happy man and is living an exemplary life".

Because you know ... that is what you now are!!

The past can be a useful tool but if you let it control your life you will never find peace and be happy. Let it go. Put it in the tool box. Focus on what you are NOW. What you have been for 2 years. On what you will be next year; and the year after; and onward

Shame should only continue if you continue to act in a shameful way. You have not. Let pride in what you have become rise to the forefront. The Mrs Panda I know thru these threads is a woman I would be proud to know. I bet others who have followed your story would agree. So be proud of yourself. And just never let the shame have a chance to rear its head again.

Mrs P, I can relate. This is in fact one of my major remaining issues in the aftermath of my affair and divorce, which is: continued compartmentalization. Except that instead of compartmentalizing my life with XH vs. my life with XOM, I compartmentalize the stronger, truth-telling, aboveboard "new me" with the shame-filled, disgusted-with-herself "old me." All I've really been able to do so far is allow them to peacefully coexist.

Just to expand a little. I agree with 1985 about using shame as a tool...

Shame can be healthy and non-healthy.

If you hold on to shame it can turn into toxic shame. Toxic shame is false, pathological shame that can lead to even more problems in the future. (Like stuffing and compartmentalizing...)

Do you feel like you are inherently flawed, inferior, defective? Are you feeling self-loathing for your past deeds to the point that it is paralyzing? That is unhealthy shame. Unhealthy Shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person. Learning to let go of that and value yourself as a person is huge.

I will not ever forget what I did, the hurt I caused to my H, my family, my self. I will always hold on to my remorse. I will hold on to the lessons that I have learned. I will strive to continue to learn and grow.

“Normal healthy shame reminds us of our limits, helps us keep our boundaries ... Healthy shame is the psychological foundation of humility.” John Bradshaw.

I compartmentalize the stronger, truth-telling, aboveboard "new me" with the shame-filled, disgusted-with-herself "old me." All I've really been able to do so far is allow them to peacefully coexist

Been there and it felt like carrying a load of bricks on my shoulders... I think a lot of letting go of my shame (the old me) was accepting forgiveness.

I didn't ever think that I would forgive myself completely... I think that it snuck up on me. I remember saying that I would not ever be able to forgive myself... I think you have to eventually... I didn't realize why I didn't feel the shame riding my shoulders on Sunday until now... Working it out answering you Mrs. P.

I hope this thread is helping you as much as your question has helped me today.

Thank you Mrs. Panda.

I feel good about myself, proud about my steps forwards...

Hang on to that. You are an amazing woman and I've watched your journey... You are awesome.

"Everyone needs a sense of shame, but no one needs to feel ashamed." Fredrick Nietzsche