SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's just not feeling as "great" anymore. I really don't know what to do. I have to babble. I'm really at wits end.

I was super happy the first year. but it's true, now all the things that didn't bother you before-do. And they bother my daughter too, and she is becoming devisive about it. But, sometimes she is right and that's what kills me.

It's like a therapist said, the things at the beginning that endear you to someone at the beginning later can actually become a pet peeve.

Honest, he is actually driving me nuts. and I feel awful about it.

I don't know what to do.

I'm afriad he has his own version of narcisism but almost a different kind. I'm hesistant to say that, because we get pretty hot under the collar about that. But I wonder sometimes if there is a narcisism with a capital N and a little n. He is an artist and he's super sensitive. But he also needs to be center stage. He does have a tendency to need to have his ego stroked. It's like dating a puppy. And he turns conversations back about him, and it's always about him. But- unlike the evil narcisists, he actually helps people, is very generous and honest and doesn't hurt people ever. In general people genuinely love him, he's overhumble, he just NEEEEEEEEEDS attention.

I wonder sometimes if it's because he's really underemployed. I know that's hard for men. It's like his whole identity is just whacked. and he makes a big deal out of my income being higher than his. Which I could care less about. But it feels like sometimes he puts on this overcompensation with other people to show his worth.

and then we have the talks. The what if talks. The "m" talks. Somedays he throws it out easily. Somedays he's like never never never. And he almost torments me. And before recently, I thought he would be the easiest person to just settle down with. But then suddenly he started DRIVING ME CRAZY.

and then there is my daughter. She went from getting along with him wonderfully, do doing exorcist impressions whenever he is around.

But the worst part is, he is really a kind, calm, and harmless soul. Being upset with him is LITERALLY like kicking a puppy. and lately I get frustrated with him to the point of anger. I can't totally explain why.

It's like I'm dating "the dude" from the Big Lebowski. And at first all that laid back peace love energy was wonderful. And now it's kind of driving me insane. And everyone who met us said they KNEW we were the perfect couple and we still have this incredible best friend connection like we were meant to be. so I dont understand what just happened.

Are you living together?

no. we've dated a year and a half.

It's like- we see each other a little or a lot EVERY DAY. I feel like he wants the kind of relationship you get from a marriage WITHOUT the real responsibilities of a marriage. He is a serial monogamist. Two long term relationships, never married either woman. But both really for legit reasons and they ended well. But I feel like he is very comfortable taking all the "perks" of a very serious close committed relationships, but is TERRIFIED of anything in that kind of relationship that at all makes you uncomfortable.

You know what. I can't do it. Seriously. I am going to cut back on my time with him. I can't keep my house clean because he wants to run off and do things. I can't get my extra volunteering done. If he wants to be seriously in my life... I can't date him like this "forever". I think the reason he's driving me nuts right now is because he's giving me such mixed messages. He himself is confused. He has said so.

I wonder what men would say. Like are men like this when their income drops? His income has been cut in half two consecutive years in a row. UGH.

[This message edited by optimist at 6:34 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

I can't speak to your sitch exactly but here's mine...

My SO's income is pretty close to zero. We've lived together for 14 months and I've been footing 100% of the bills since he moved in. SO has always been more high-maintenance than me (in regards to attention, not things) but yeah, he seems worse now that we're in this spot. It's like he needs constant validation that he's a good guy and not a rat for letting me carry all 8 of us.

I used to think it wasn't a big deal that I made more than he did - I have since we started dating and in the beginning, it really wasn't a big difference. But now the gap is huge and it affects both of us in different ways.

That being said, I would recommend marriage not be on the table until you both have your feelings about your financial situation sorted out... I agree that men can have a fair amount of their identity tied to their job and maybe he is struggling with that right now.

Good luck.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 7:01 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

and we've talked about just dating until all the kids are out of school. And having separate places. lots of people do that. and honestly, considering all my kids have been through that might be idea. But-I don't know why that bothers me. It's like something in the back of my head says "he isn't really serious about me" if he can suggest that. I feel more vulnerable that way.

I know it's too soon to consider marriage really. we did agree not to talk about it anymore and we are both much more relaxed now.

But you know what I am learning about myself. Through all of this. Somethign that affected my previous M. I have No tact. OMG. I don't even know how to bring up delicate things nicely or considerately. It's like a blunt hammer to the forehead as my BF puts it. I don't know how to stage it, or frame it, or anything. I can really bring things up and be hurtful, and I just do'nt mean to.

I do love this guy. He's adorable and we are so well matched. BUT HE IS DRIVING ME NUTS AND IT IS FREAKING ME OUT.

Ok, he just called and invited me over for a movie and pumpkin beer. I can't resist. Here I go....and I was going to stay home tonight. ha ha. I'm so inconsistent. Yeah, that was another problem in my previous M. Good thing I invested so much money in therapy to change that eh?

[This message edited by optimist at 7:12 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Good luck, have fun tonight, and enjoy the roller coaster of the dating world! I've been riding one a while myself, so don't feel bad!

You know, my ex and I married and lived in separate homes for the first 5 years. It was wonderful.

We didn't start having problems until we moved in together.

I do love this guy. He's adorable and we are so well matched. BUT HE IS DRIVING ME NUTS AND IT IS FREAKING ME OUT.

When ever anyone says a sentence with the word "BUT" in it- pay attention to what's after the "BUT"- because that's what they REALLY mean. All the stuff before is just meant to soften what they say AFTER.

Believe me, I know. I used to say "I really love the fireman, I really do- BUT I can't stand feeling like a piece of furniture and being ignored and treated like the fricking maid". Or "I love him with all my heart BUT all he ever thinks about is himself and his problems and he won't get help for his depression". And "He is a great guy and I love him BUT he is making all these bad choices and I just can't stand to watch him self-medicate by buying stuff when he really doesn't have the money".

It's all the stuff that comes after the BUT that ended it for me.

I DID love him, no doubt. But love can't overcome depression and selfishness and insecurity and emotional neediness. At least not when the other person won't even admit there's a problem.

Give it a few weeks and if you still feel like this, walk away. It won't change. I wasted about 6 months waiting for it to change before I left.

Is he the youngest child in his family by any chance? I don't know about being the "N" word. He just sounds a bit bratty to me!

Ok. Answers first.

I agree with the But thing... BUT (lol) in this case humbly disagree.

He's actually the oldest, and has borne a lot of responsibility in his family.

He really just has this very innocent personality, it's like he has been kicked a lot himself and NEEDS so much affirmation himself sometimes it gets hard to be on my end trying to fill up his empty hold. Which, it's hard because I know I'm the same way, but I think I'm not as obvious or public about it.

ANYWAYS

I kind of went nutty today. As I do. I know. My alias should just be nutball I guess.

Last night was nice. We actually really maturely talked about everything. He listened, we sorted through stuff. He actually agreed and understood. We talked about all the things that have been problems in previous relationships, and how we both have patterns we could still work on. He is aware, and he's responsive. That's one of the things I like. He was honest with me, and I listened and I didn't go into panic mode which was good. We snuggled and I slept like a baby. Then UGH. I got my "." in the morning and it was AWFUL. Like someone was butchered in his bed. for a 44 never married man with a temperpedic mattress he handled it so sweetly. I felt awful. We cleaned it up together, and I left and went home. I was losing it and he said why would I make you feel bad, it's like a kid throwing up in bed you wouldn't want to make him feel bad for that would you, no you just clean it up and go on.

But then tonight he came over for dinner, and everyone was HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY. My daughter was fighting a migraine all day. then all of a sudden she snapped at him and said he was being a jerk about something (which btw was NOT the case at all, it made absolutely no sense). We handled it really well. But after that point, everyone was twitchy. He was nervous, I was nervous, and then I just broke down. I told him we should end the relationship, that I couldn't handle it, It was too much, Icouldn't keep everyone happy.

He won't even let me break up with him. I have tried more than once just because I feel like it's too much. I know that's weird. I am so in love with him. I know he's the guy for me. but it SCARES ME that it won't work. I break up with him at least once a month. And all he does is hug me and let me cry and tell me he isn't going anymore. And that's all he did. And then he asked me not to think in black and white anymore. But maybe a shade of grey and that we could restructure things anyway I wanted.

I just feel like life is too much.

I just want to run away. take my kids to the country, raise chickens and goats and leave all this stress behind.

That post doesn't even make sense.

I am a nut.

I am just scared of getting hurt. Of him getting hurt. Of my kids getting hurt. And sometimes I wonder why I even bothered putting my heart out there.

He keeps saying he will not hurt me. So why am I so afraid he will?

he has been kicked a lot himself and NEEDS so much affirmation himself sometimes it gets hard to be on my end trying to fill up his empty hold.

The fireman was exactly like this. No matter how much you give, it's never enough. NEVER. It's called an emotional vampire. Every time you're around them you end up feeling drained and exhausted.

And I threatened to end that relationship about 15 times before I actually did it.

Because something would always happen and I would think OK, I can do this, it's alright. And I would overlook how miserable I was and how he was sucking the life out of me. How every time I talked to him I would just feel drained and used and angry. How I felt stuck between him and my kids when they were with me.

YOU are not the nut. You are dealing with crazy-making behavior and blaming it on yourself. You're making excuses for how he acts and giving him way more leeway than he probably deserves.

Once you start thinking you should end it, that it what's going to eventually happen- no matter how much time it eventually ends up taking.

Take some time apart and see how you feel about it once you're not enmeshed in his neediness all the time.

I don't have anything useful to add but I did love seeing the thread title "I don't know if it's going to work out" with the author being "Optimist".

My ex is like this.

Nothing is ever enough. Give till it hurts, and you still fall short.

They do one or two very minor things for you and say "See, I think of you!".

Emotional Vampire. Perfect description.

I myself use "Sucking Vortex Of Need", as a descriptor.

They are toxic. They suck the life out of you and leave you wanting. All the time.

If I were in your shoes, I'd walk.

People like this don't become unselfish givers or equal participants in a relationship, ever.

-D

ah---

no, see some of these replies are so off the mark that it actually is making me happy now how good the relationship is

this man is the farthest thing from an "emotional vampire".

He is unique. I am unique. We are actually very similar. Hyper, somewhat childish in our ability to deal with certain emotions, but very able to give and focus on others as well. He pretty much gives 24/7. He is overwhelmed by the more severe aspects of my life, and doesn't want to jump into those things. But he has been by my side through some pretty intense dark times this past year.

I do think what I hear though, which does echo my sentiments, is we need space right now. He does need so much feedback, that he makes it very hard for me to think about it all. I am not good at respecting space boundaries either though, he and I are both similar that way, we tend to absorb ourselves into other people very quickly. And we want LOTS of feedback.

to be honest, we both have personalities that drive other people nuts.

but, I will defend him, I know emotional vampires... he is not one. again, you have to picture puppy. Big giant golden retrievor puppy who doesn't know when to stop playing and stop begging for approval sometimes.

[This message edited by optimist at 3:23 PM, September 9th (Thursday)]

Post makes perfect sense to me and I can identify with it so much.

I know that feeling of 'he isn't really serious about me' and 'I can't keep my house clean'. We had separate places too. I fooled myself it was a really good thing and in many ways it was but the bottom line was - it was his choice. He alway chose.

I also resonate with narcissism with a small 'n'. Oh they are kind and generous of nature - because it suits them. It is their way of keeping you sweet, and confused!!! They are not evil but they are selfish.

I know all about fear of commitment too. You are more relaxed about it now after your conversation but what exactly was said and did you agree with things he put forward? It will come up again, believe me.

Why did he never marry? The reasons he gave you are ones that you will accept - is this because you want to accept? Go back over them.

Nothing was ever clear with my X and me. I was always, always in an unclear state, as if I didn't know what was really happening, if you KWIM.

I also lost my tact and went straight for the jugular........because I was forced to - because of the covert manipulation and the situation which was always a constant state of flux. I tried so hard to straight talk. He was great at evasion.

But I was drawn to him and always responded to his invitations and plans. I thought we were solid but my gut was telling me otherwise. So were my children.

Defiance is spot on. One or two nice things got me thinking he really cared. Reality was he didn't because he couldn't. He was too wrapped up in himself. He always, ALWAYS turned the conversation back to him. I used to say 'but we were not talking about you' and he would laugh. He didn't get it though and it continued to be about him.

Eranda is also right. If this was right for you then why do you try to end it at least once a month? I thought we were soulmates. I know better now.

I think he is crazy-making. He may also be toxic though in a nice way. Toxic is toxic nevertheless.

Perhaps you could take some time away from him and focus in on you. Go over the past and try to think rationally and not emotionally. Journal. Get some IC. Think it through.

Optimist one last piece of advice, please don't ignore your gut. No-one can tell you what to do but we can say that your instincts are your inner self coming to the surface. Your instincts come through for a reason. Listen to them.

Good luck.

Some good points in this last post.

I need space. and time to think.

the puppy needs to go find some other things to do for a while.