SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't believe what a complete and utter fool I have been.

WW confessed tonight to yet ANOTHER affair -- #4! Although, confessed isn't exactly accurate because, as usual, I had to drag the truth out of her kicking and screaming (so to speak).

It was a high school friend...they started Facebooking in Jan 10, and by Feb 10 she arranged to drive to another state to hook up with him. Of course, it was only once, and of course they didn't actually consumate the meeting. My bullshit meter was pegging out so I checked her office email and lookey there: a note from her to him warning him to be careful because I've been acting crazy lately.

Yep, I confess. I'm crazy. Crazy to believe a leopard could change its spots. Crazy to love wholeheartedly a black-hearted woman who could only love herself.

She left the house about 30 minutes ago. Today is the first day of the rest of my life -- God help me.

((GeminiDream)) Time to reclaim your sanity. Sounds like the woman has some big problems. ((Big Hugs)) One day at a time.

Sorry, Gemini.

Finding out about our spouse's infidelity is crushing enough. But it is the TT that will drive us insane.

It is a shame waywards can't come clean once caught. I wonder how many marriages would not have ended in D if they just told all once they were exposed?

Good luck, friend. We are here for you.

Gemini

Sounds like my story. My husband was contact by an old high school friend early January 2010 on FB and they were "involved" by the end of the month. She lived in 350 miles south of us and they met to "consumate" their love in February, and March and when ever else. FB is really dangerous for those of us with spouses who are inclined to cheat.

Sorry you are here. I found out almost 4 months ago and am surviving. God bless you.

Dear Gemini: sorry you are here and sorry for the crushing dissapointment of yet another affair. You wife has some large self esteem problems that need to be addressed. You are not a fool my dear, you simply want to believe her. Take care and we are here for you.

I'm so sorry for the shit you're going through...yet again!

I cant belive the amount of trouble that facebook has caused. I know of so many couples who have had their relationships trashed because of that site, mine included. My husband had the skank as a friend on there, and I always felt uncomfortable everytime her stupid smug face popped up. My husband was in a rock band, and she was one of the regulars at the gigs. She knew he was married, but it did'nt stop her facebooking him.God I HATE that site with a passion! My thoughts are with you.

Lol, you're not kidding about facebook being dangerous.

My WH used fb for BOTH of his affairs in the past 2 months.

Gemini:

Take a look at some of the responses you got to your last post ("I'm Done with this Bullshit").

Your wife is a serial cheater, and hopefully you now realize that you didn't "marry up." Far from it.

You put up with your wife's shenanigans for too long, my friend. She needs serious help, but you need to be serious about protecting your heart and your self-respect.

I'll say it again: your wife is a liar and a serial cheater.

Really sucks, doesn't it?

Just remember, from this point on, it's got to be about you.

(((Gemini)))) I am so sorry. She has some real issues that you cannot fix. She has to want to fix herself.

I am so sorry and I hope and pray for peace in your life.

I am praying the Wrath on these affairs...

You are not an utter fool... At some points I thought I was but that's like blaming myself for having a wreck when I wasn't even in the car...

I agree with fatherfirst.... Your ww is a liar and a serial cheater... She's going to really freak now that she's being exposed for the fraud she is....

It's all about YOU now....

WB

((((Gemini))))

You were a too trusting spouse, like most of us were. Not a fool, just trusting.

Something you said stood out to me, "black-hearted"...when my H had just ended his adultery he told me one day that his "heart had turned black" during the A time! I know it did too, it was blacker than midnight, completely black and dark.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life -- God help me.

HE will, and there is your strength! Take this day and make the changes you need and want to see happen! It is YOUR life!!!

Gemini:

Thinking of you as you take the next step. I just finished reading "The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart”, by Daphne Rose Kingma. She has an entire section on letting go that might help you. The following are a few sentences that really touched me.

When your life is falling apart, there’s always the impulse to hold on; to him, to her, to it, to the way it was, to how you wanted it to be, to how you want it now. But in order to get through a crisis, you will have to let go of whatever is standing in your way or causing the problem; these are the handcuffs around your ankles, the tin cans tied to your tail. You will have to let go of whatever isn’t serving you, whatever you no longer need, whatever keeps you from moving forward, whatever you’re so attached to that you can’t see where you are going.

We are here for you and feeling your pain. Take care.

Okay, so early this morning before work and she was off who know where, I sent a text. The following is transcribed:

Me: "Find your own lawyer and real estate agent. I won’t contest anything. You keep everything. I just don’t care anymore."

Her: "We need to talk sensibly"

Me: "I can't keep on with your lies. I want it to be over now."

Her: " Im not lieing"

Me: "I've explained the Dealbreakers; you ack'ed them. I've gone above & beyond. I'm done."

Her: "Are you home?"

Her: (six hours later, after her FIRST IC) "Dr. XYZ is in agreement with you, I am wrong and am the only reason for the current situation. He would like to talk to you too. He said to call his receptionist, Allison, and tell her that he said to get you scheduled. The number is...."

Any thoughts, anyone?

Gemini, do you really want to go through this anymore?

I mean, Dude, If you really think she's worth going to the mat for that's one thing. But is she really?

It's your life and your decision but I think you would be better off with a little alone time.

Yep, I confess. I'm crazy. Crazy to believe a leopard could change its spots. Crazy to love wholeheartedly a black-hearted woman who could only love herself.

You're not the only one, Bro.

Do I want to go through this again? Never. Ever.

Is she worth "going to the mat for"?

Well, that's the thing about love isn't it...it keeps hoping, keeps believing, keeps enduring.

Objectively, she's not worth the effort. I see that.

Subjectively, my love for her is good, and strong, and real.

I already know what my decision has to be, but that doesn't make it any easier. Could I forgive myself if I gave up on her at precicely the time when she reached her Epiphany?

Is my hurt worth the risk of her healing? Love declares "Yes!" Self whispers "You only have you."

I fucking hate Facebook when it's used this way. I see the screen shots of my spousal unit slut-surfing, old-girlfriend surfing, potential chick surfing. I want to smash him in the head with a freaking axe.

I hate Facebook but you know what, I have such a good time with it with my family and friends. Why do the WS have to use something in such a negative way? Assholes.

Is my hurt worth the risk of her healing? Love declares "Yes!" Self whispers "You only have you."

Since I started putting a lot of time into looking into the literature on the "crack-like high" that women get out of affair sex, I've become pretty negative about things; so I try not to post because I'm a downer. But, here goes anyway.

Just remember the iceberg rule: what you see/know is probably only 10% of the true volume. Especially since she had her first experience early in the marriage. You may tend to discount this in light of your own experience with outside action, but women seem to get much more addicted to it then men, once they let themselves taste it. Some women can get the sex monkey off their back, but your wife clearly didn't.

As others have suggested, the big empty time gap between her first affair 22 years ago and the 3 newer ones is probably heavily populated with strange men.

[This message edited by palerider at 11:51 AM, November 19th (Friday)]

I already know what my decision has to be, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I hear you. It's so hard to act to love ourselves more & protect ourselves. I've struggled learning to let go & watch my WH's actions. My WH has had several concurrent affairs & I know that like another poster said they're probably only 10% of what actually happened.

Don't get down on yourself for operating from a position of love & hope- you've been faithful despite it all. The truth can be very hard to accept. IF your WW truly intends to change she can do so while you take steps to protect yourself and get emotionally healthy. Remember to watch what she does not what she says.

Hugs~ Sabina

Palerider, In light of your research on the "female affair high" can you suggest any websites or books that help explain this? Thanks!

I'd be interested in that too, Palerider.