SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little background. Me and my wife met 9 years ago, been married for 5 years next Feb. Have a perfectly wonderful 6 yrs old daughter. We're a single income family, she's a wonderful stay at home mom and I work early shift and able to pick up our daughter daily from her school together. We spend a lot of time together as a family, there was no such thing as a trust issue between us for over 9(almost 10) year. I wonder why the hell I ended up posting this thread in this forum being a completely broken hearted husband.

Two days ago while watching a princess cartoon with my daughter my wife's phone's alarm went off for her scheduled prescription intake. I reached over and turned the alarm off and these touchscreen smartphones are super sensitive causing me accidentally press the text message and there it was, the sexual explicit text conversation between my wife and a phone number I do not recognize.....my heart froze, my knees felt weak, my life was forever changed and I felt pain I have never felt before. Did I put on a perfect poker face because I was watching a princess cartoon with my daughter, you bet I did. In fact I didn't know how I was able to get a whole night of sleep, acted like nothing happened that night, it still puzzles me.

Next morning(yesterday morning), I felt the effect, not sure if it was the full effect but the feeling was the most horrific feeling I ever felt in my life even worse than the circumcision procedure my parents put me through at age 12!! My heart break hurts physically and I felt like throwing up, I managed to make it to work and managed to do my job, I had to break my 3 year quitting smoking vow and bummed my first cigarette from a co-worker in 3 years in order to stop the shaking and do my job.

The same day in the afternoon I left work early and confronted my wife as calmly as I possibly can while my daughter was still in school. She admitted it immediately made no attempt to deny anything, I guess naturally I wanted to know who/when/how long it's been...etc. The only thing confirmed during our conversation was that I don't know this person and there were sexual encounter. My wife couldn't give me any of the details, she claims she wasn't ready. Instead of answering my questions she told me all about how our relationship lacks romance, our child wasn't a planned pregnancy(but nevertheless the most awesome thing ever happened in both of our lives), and our marriage was pressured by our parents. I asked her to end it with the guy and she told me she needed to do it from the heart and told me today she ended it last night, I didn't witness it nor see any proof, my heart wants to believe her, but I've got that recently developed brand spanking new "trust issue" at hand. I can't stop my mind from manifesting sexual images of her and this mysterious guy, I can't shake it off my head the exact sexually explicit description word for word this guy use to called my wife in the text message, and I can't shake off my wife's gleeful response. I really shouldn't have read the whole thing now it's stuck in my head and ripping me apart.

We both care for our daughter very much, maybe even more than our marriage, perhaps that's the reason that distanced me and my wife apart. We've decided that we are willing to work things out, and we both agree that we do love each other. I've trust my wife so long and so does she to me. But I'm here to seek advice as I want to do this recovery thing step by step by the books.

Right now it's day 3 of the initial discovery and day 2 of first confrontation. I'm still at the initial shocking stage, confused, broken, no one to talk to other than the pastor's wife at the church I haven't gone in 10 years. When I don't see my wife, I miss her and feel the intense pain of losing her, and also as intense the pain of what my daughter might possibly experience through her parent's problem. When I do see her or being in the same room with her, I feel the kind of rage I've never felt before, the anger of her betrayal to me and our child, those horrific sexual images created in my head starts popping up and those sickening words in the text message starts to recite in my head over and over again. I get physically sick to the point of vomiting the bare minimum amount of food I managed to put in. And my attempt to hide it from my daughter was unsuccessful.

So that's where I am at right now. Letting my feelings out here anonymously, seeking comfort, seeking advice, seeking direction.

thank you for your time reading it and please don't hesitate to offer advice.

I'm so sorry. Far wiser people are going to post after me, and their words will mean a lot more than mine, but I wanted you to know that someone heard you.

Start with the healing library on the left, don't try to figure it all out too fast, and take care of yourself and your daughter.

There are lots of people here who wil listen and provide support and advice when you need it. Best of luck.

What you are feeling is entirely natural and understandable.

I was a wreck for three days , unable to eat sleep or function like a normal human being.

Drink lots of water, look after your health because you will need all the strength you have to get though these next difficult days.

My wife couldn't give me any of the details, she claims she wasn't ready. Instead of answering my questions she told me all about how our relationship lacks romance, our child wasn't a planned pregnancy(but nevertheless the most awesome thing ever happened in both of our lives), and our marriage was pressured by our parents.

This is classic blameshifting- your wife is not ready to admit or own her mistakes.

Be prepared for TT ( trickle truth) as she tries to minimise the damage and defends her actions to herself

Find a good MC , but most of all, you have to make sure that your WW immediately goes into No CONTACT with the OM.

If you haven't already, try to verify this by checking her emails, phone records etc.

You need to have incontrevertable proof that she is longer in contact with this man if you want R to succeed.

I would make her write / text or phone WHILE YOU ARE THERE to ensure the goodbyes are not just temporary or for show.

Do you know the OM?

Does he have a BS you can rveal all to?

Remember , this has been a hidden secret, you have to threaten to expose her actions and thatwill soon take the gloss off her fantasy relationship.

Good luck

Keep reading the Healing Library

Welcome!! Sorry you find yourself here but you will find an amazing support group.

All of the physical and emotional things you are experiencing are normal. Sadly.

This really bothers me;

The only thing confirmed during our conversation was that I don't know this person and there were sexual encounter. My wife couldn't give me any of the details, she claims she wasn't ready. Instead of answering my questions she told me all about how our relationship lacks romance,

.

What is happening is she is protecting OM and deflecting the blame of the affair on to you.

She isn't being remotely honest with you and you can't move forward into R without the truth.

Since she won't tell you who he is she will most likely go 'underground' with the A. They usually get sneakier and a second phone is involved.

You can pay a service to get a reverse phone number - if it's a cell - that will include name, address and cell service.

Recovery isn't a step by step process, one size doesn't fit all, you will be all over the place for awhile.

[This message edited by Lucky at 4:45 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)]

((((rightbefore)))))

Welcome friend!

Healing Library, yellow box above T-Day Dr Phil. Excellent reading material.

You wife is doing what we call blameshifting with:

*our relationship lacks romance

* our child wasn't a planned pregnancy

* our marriage was pressured by our parents

Affairs are not your fault. It is about fantasy stroking the egos of a selfishly broken person.

Keep posting and reading. Get into an IC (individual counselor) for you both and MC (marriage counselor) too. This is a helluv a ride, but we will be here beside you.

Welcome here brother))). This is the best place to be under 'present' circumstances.

Right now, take care of yourself, eat a little, protein drinks, water, etc...stay strong.

I learned the hard way that you can't R (Reconcile) alone. 1st off, you should accept none of the blame for her A.

Her diversionary non-answer to your questions is typical blame-shifting. If the ho-hum state of the M (Marriage) "made her do it", why didn't you cheat? You were in the same M, right?

Right now, she's cleaned out your 'trust account'. She's the one who is going to have to make deposits back, to fill it back up.

The ingredients for true R:

1. Remorse - as opposed to regret...regret is concerned with her pain and consequences, remorse is concerned with your pain.

2. Transparency - the identity of the Other Man (OM) is important, and she needs to come clean with everything you feel you need to know. Is he M'd? Ok, that means there's another unsuspecting Betrayed Spouse out there who needs to know. Never threaten, and in the case of informing the other BS, you don't tell your WW ahead of time, unless you want to hear the story of how crazy he is, and you "shouldn't do it".

3. Honesty - she may need counseling, you both may need it, to get to what was broken in her to allow her to choose such an awful course.

4. No Contact - NC does happen, but with her evasion, I suspect that she has not cut off contact with the OM. Privately...check your phone bill. That's one way to back-check. There are others.

That's just a brief guideline to begin for you.

I'm sorry man, infidelity sucks. Keep posting.

You're safe here.

We got your back.

ditto everything above.

You're in the shock segment of this lively blockbuster we call "Betrayed and Beyond." The rage segment hasn't even started yet.

Prepare for it by educating yourself. Bury your mind in learning everything you can about infidelity. It'll give you something to focus on, and will help you better understand the pain.

Let this core message sink in deep: IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Work very hard at giving her a safe place to be honest with you. It is imperative that you get ALL the truth. Don't sabotage yourself by losing your cool. She'll need a little time (maybe a month or more) to tell you everything. Be patient and wait on it.

Decide not to have to decide anything right now. The only thing that matters at the moment is the welfare of you and your child.

Detach yourself emotionally. You'll have plenty of time later on to re-engage the hurt machine.

((((hugs and more hugs))))

This is a terrible thing to be facing and I am truly sorry for yoyu and your daughter. Take care of yourself and your daughter. This site is the best place none of us ever wanted to be. The advice and support will help you get through the days, months and years to fllow.

Welcome rightbefore. I know how badly it hurts to need to be here, but you'll find great support

I have a few things to add to what has alreadty been said. I'll start with the bad. There is a tendancy for a WS when first found out to minimize what they've done. I'd bet that there is a lot to the story, and that's why she "couldn't" tell you.

Find out about the OM. Find out who he is and what he's about. If he's married or in a relationship, tell his wife or SO. This is one of the quickest ways to get an OM to back off. Don't tell your WW you're doing this. Just do it. I wouldn't be too surprised if you do know the guy

Next, see an attorney. Learn your rights and your options. You may never need to use what you learn, but it's far better to be prepared and not need it than to be blind-sided.

Get tested for STDs. Unfortunately the chances are slim that they used protection of any kind. Again,

Now for the better stuff. Her cheating is not about you or anything lacking in your marriage. It's about her, poor coping skills, and her broken-ness. If she was unhappy, she had options. She made the choice to cheat.

It's entirely possible to reconcile after something like this. It's hard work, but it can be done

No matter what happens, you are going to survive this. You and your daughter will OK.

Hang in there

eta: Happy Birthday

[This message edited by wifehad5 at 5:48 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)]

You need to protect yourself and your children. Talk to a lawyer, she is still not being honest with you and you don't know where this is going yet. As long as she protects other man she is choosing him over you. You need all the truth, have her write out the timelines for you. You need to have her tested for STD's as well as have her take a pregnancy test, it happened to me. The humiliation of the testing will help bring her back to reality and acts as a future deterent. Expose other man, do a reverse look up on his number if she won't give you his name, can you get copies of her cell bill? Being exposed takes the fantasy out of the affair. I can bet you money that they are in contact and doing damage control. Purchase a Voice Activated Recorder and place it in a place that is hidden but close to where she usually makes her calls from. They cost about $50.00 at Bestbuy. Sorry for your pain, but it is very hard to protect yourself from the one you trust the most. The wife you knew is dead and so is the marriage you thought you had. She has demonized you to this other man, she has secrets with him that she is not sharing with you. You can't believe anything she tells you at this time, you need proof, verify everything she tells you. If she continues to withhold his name from you, file, she is not committed to your marriage. Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library and make this your way of life from this point forward.

(rightbeforebday)

I am so sorry you had to find us, but so thankful you did. You have received wise advice - my d-day was pretty recent, too and I remember feeling everything you are describing. That horrible four letter word "time" will be your friend....and I would also encourage you to find a good individual counselor for yourself. We are all here for you.

You've gotten great advise. Listen to WH5, he's living proof that you can survive this shit. "Aliveagain" doesn't mince words, no "sugar coating" from him, but his advise is solid!

Keep posting and take care of you!

((rightbeforebday))

All the above advice. I am pleased that you found this forum, it sucks to be here though. I wish I had found this place closer to my D-day (discovery day) it would have made me feel less 'lost' on this journey. Take care of your self.

thank you all for such warm comforting words and advise. some of you brought tears to my eyes and this is the first support of any kind I've received since this ordeal started. Every different case is a complicated issue and I have to fill in many blanks. Here are some more additional info.

She had suffered a traumatic event 3 years ago when her brother hung himself, and she discovered his body a week later. She's been seeing a therapist/counselor for depression for many years and prescribed a few different meds for bi-polar disorder as well as depression. I can't honestly say our marriage is a perfectly happy marriage as she confronted me many times in the past that we need to work on our relationship. Being a single income family raising a child in NYC, my main concern was providing for my family and I never did much improve our relationship in the deeper level. We are a typical "children comes first" family and we truly did overlook our marriage.

It's alarming and heart wrenching to hear everyone's comments about her not being honest with me and still protecting this OM. I took in a bit of temporary comfort hearing her telling me that she ended it and she will not contact this person. I had to naively take it in because it's the only way for me to control my emotions while I spend time with my daughter who's excited to be home for Thanksgiving break from school. I had to protect her which ever way possible and right now the only way is for me to take this unconfirmed temporary comfort. I don't know what kind of proof she can provide me that she really ended her relationship. Nor how I can ask her for it? In terms of a timeline and detailed information I've been asking numerous times for, she's been telling me that she's not ready yet and calls it "doesn't matter". I will continue to seek this information.

She will have her scheduled appointment with her psychiatrist/therapist next week, and she told me she'll tell the doctor everything and get a referral for couples counseling, something she's been mentioning for a while now and I did put it off.

In terms of information, I forwarded those disgusting text messages to my phone along with the OM's cellular number, she didn't save it in her phone book and there's no name, just the number. Our phones are on the same family account under my name, I do have access to the calling records, and I did find the OM's number in there earliest dating 10/18/10, unfortunately this is a new mobile service I had just activated at the beginning of October, there's not much records to go back to.

Right now I want to give her the time she needs to be ready to tell me "everything". We live in a tiny apartment in NYC and we have a six years old kid here with us 24/7 until she goes back to school on Monday. I can't afford a serious grown up conversation right now that will most definitely make both me and my wife emotionally compromised. We're trying to focus on putting on the poker face to protect our child. Talk about bad timing.

The one positive thing is that we both have access to individual counseling, and both of us now are making it a priority to arrange for the couple's counseling. I'm still very much emotionally unstable and I don't wish to do anything that might have adverse effect on our recovery.

The timing couldn't be any worse, my main priority for these couple of days will be controlling my rollercoaster emotions and be a strong parent for my child.

Now, does anyone think that it's absolutely crucial that I force all the detail out of my wife within the first week of D-day?

Also, another specific question is does anyone know how I can obtain a proof of NC with OM from my wife. I had asked her to do it in front of me on the initial confrontation, and she couldn't at the time because she said she needs to do it from the heart and not just for show. She told me she did it, and I want to believe her because all the years I've known her she's been brutally honest, until now....

Thank you so much guys, you have no idea how much it means to me to see all of your supports and advices, I will not take any of it for granted. No matter which stage you're at right now, I hope and pray for you all to have a wonderful Thanksgiving holidays.

Now, does anyone think that it's absolutely crucial that I force all the detail out of my wife within the first week of D-day?

You can't force it. You'll have to gently work it out, like a loose tooth. Give it time, and give her a safe space to do it in. Don't back down on requiring it, but do be diplomatic.

how I can obtain a proof of NC with OM from my wife.

The best way to do that is an unannounced, unplanned conference call to the OM. Follow up with a letter that the two of you collaborate on. Follow that up with a firm, no-nonsense discussion about the absolute repercussions of breaking NC. Be prepared to act if you discover it's continued.

I realize how long my last reply was, let me simplify it here.

We're trying to protect our daughter from witnessing her parent's crisis and we're doing everything to shield her from it, and she's off from school for Thanksgiving holiday for the next 4 Day. Talk about bad timing......

What are the important actions to take in the first week after D-day? What can and can't wait? Is it crucial to force my wife to come clean with all the info and timeline right now? I'm sure it'll be pretty intense and absolutely can't be done with a child present.

rightbeforebday,

Gently - you aren't the only parent on these boards, I'd venture to guess everyone who responded to this thread are.

I know WH5 has two very young children.

.

In terms of a timeline and detailed information I've been asking numerous times for, she's been telling me that she's not ready yet and calls it "doesn't matter

She is hoping you will get tired of asking and she won't have to face it, deal with it, or talk about it.

Until you get mad, get tough, force issues - you've got nothing, and the affair will most likely continue.

ETA: just saw your update. You can certainly have discussions when your child is asleep...

[This message edited by Lucky at 8:04 PM, November 24th (Wednesday)]

I do pray for you man.

No, I don't think it's crucial.

Look at putting on your game face

as practice.

This pops out at me

she couldn't at the time because she said she needs to do it from the heart and not just for show

She is buying time doncha know?

Because isn't it so? Her heart is not true?

Did she fuck the OM from the heart? Or just for show?

See how ridiculous it all is?

Being silent for a time is not a bad thing. Considering your next move is allowed.

I allow it. lol!

It's a bad sign when they want to end it "from the heart". A good example of an NC letter would be: OM, What we did is wrong. I am focusing on my husband and marriage. Never contact me again.

That said, if they met in person, they probably came up with a plan to take the A further underground. At this point I wouldn't let her know everything you find as you find it. Until she's open, honest and remorseful you need to keep your card close to your vest.

she couldn't at the time because she said she needs to do it from the heart and not just for show

That bugged me too.

You might consider 180'ing her ass.