SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why So Many Men Never See Their Divorce Coming

I first heard it from attorneys who typically represent men in a divorce. I then began to see it in the cases that came before me. I remember the attorney who first mentioned it to me some ten years ago, he leaned back in his chair at a conference on divorce and said, "It never ceases to amaze me how many men come to me with their jaws on the floor saying they never saw it coming."

Now, I am witnessing it in my own social circles. All around me long-term marriages are coming to an end. And as the studies show many of those jumping ship are women.

Not only am I seeing a rash of fleeing women all around me, I also see what I first ascertained years ago: That a fairly significant number of men--especially in longer term marriages--never saw their divorces coming. There was, they say, no warning, no build up, no escalating tensions, just an unexpected, non-negotiable and seemingly unprovoked decision to leave.

Of course, this is not the norm. Most marriages careen into a ditch after traversing a noticeably bumpy road. Likewise, there are women who are surprised when their husbands decide to leave, but what I am talking about here is that not-so-small group of guys who are caught flat footed by their wives sudden and seemingly unexplained departure.

As with everything involved with the human condition, there is no one reason for any trend. But after having witnessed it from the bench and in my own backyard and from reading what I can, I do see one common mistake both men and women are making that seems to rear its head in a number of these unexpected abandonment cases. I mention it here because I think it ends some very salvageable marriages.

I call it "The False Okay." I think a lot of women tell the very same lie for years on end. They say "okay" when they don't mean it. They tell their husbands, "everything's fine," even when it's not. "Keeping the peace" is what they call it. They are, they tell me, getting through the day. It is all about the argument they simply do not want to have.

I think there is a whole group of women out there who don't do well with conflict. They are the ones with a happy husband because he always gets what he wants and she doesn't seem to mind. But what he doesn't see are all of the collected hurts stored up in her emotional closet. Not because she doesn't ever get what she wants but because that lopsided equation makes her feel unloved.

The next thing you know, the kids are gone, as is her best reason to put up with it. The sad thing is he doesn't know there is a problem and she doesn't know how to change the script. "This is who he is," she thinks, "a guy who doesn't care at all about my needs and wishes."

I hear it all of the time. She's sick of being the giver. Sick of being unappreciated. It is not a sexy cause, because both parties bear some blame. It is not the only cause. But it is the one I hear most often when there is an unexpected departure by a woman later in the marriage. She thinks getting her needs heard, not to mention met, is a hopeless thing.

So she goes.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lynn-toler/why-so-many-men-never-see_b_815502.html

IMO, a lot of male WS do not see it coming because they live in the fantasy of cake eating. It is unfathomable to them that their wife will actually say "Enough!"

My X was surprised that I filed for D a year after dday and false R when he refused to give up OW. He told me I was being hasty. And 5 years later, he is still under the delusion that I want to be his friend. He never expected that I would no longer want anything to do with him. He seriously never thought he would lose me.

Dumb bastard!!

This is what is going to happen to my WH.

"Well, I know I cheated on her for six years and let her become best friends with OW and spent every dime she made on fishing rods and boats... but she only yelled at me one or two times."

I could yell, or talk louder, but what's the point? He's already decided not to hear anything I say...

This article actually upsets me a great deal. My D-day involved exactly these kinds of statements by my WS: that she was no longer getting her needs met, that I was getting my way too often, etc. When she went on a trip without me this summer, she became attracted to other people. That led her to think about all these things and she decided that she no longer felt attached, and that she was "single". That left her feeling that she was free to carry out an A.

The only problem was that none of that was ever discused with me. None of it. It was presented to me as a fait accompli. It was all just excuses and blame-shifting.

This relationship was -- I emphasize was -- more important to me than anything else. If I had had the slightest inkling that anything was wrong, I would have done everything in my power to correct it.

What I get from this article is the implicit idea that when the wife suddenly leaves without warning, it's actually in some way the husband's fault after all, for not being attentive enough. And I don't buy it. I think in a mature relationship, the partners have a responsibility to talk to each other before splitting. That didn't happen in my case -- and the lack of communication was accompanied by an A.

It's hard to know which came first, the perceived problems or the A. My ex-WS says that when she tried to figure out why she was attractedto someone else, she concluded that it must have been because there were so many alleged issues in our relationship. To me, that's just blame-shifting. If there are problems in the relationship, you address them with your spouse. you don't go out and hook up with someone else.

I still go forward and back on this. Should I D me WW?

In my case. Should I decide to D me WW. I doubt very much she will see it coming.

I have spoken to a few BH here and in other places. And many of us hold on to our M because we dont want to loose our kids. Kids are a big factor on whether a BH will stay and tuff it out in the M. But then. Years later. Many I spoke to are thinking they will D they WW once the kids are gone and on they own.

In my case. Considering the nightmarish D settlements I hear about. WW may well come home from work one day only to find all my things gone. My retirement accounts empty. And never to hear from me again.

So in any case. It seem to me that it is entirely possible for either H or W to be surprised by sudden D (or departure) of their S.

I love the WH's that are totally shocked when their BW's file for divorce after D-day. And then blamed the BW for it!

Infidelity and gender aside, I think it happens when one party is a Guess culture person and the other is an Ask culture person.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser

Neither speak the same language. The Asker (at best) innocently assumes the Guesser must be an Asker, too, so if they're not Asking, everything must be A-okay. At worst, the Asker relies upon the Guesser's dislike of confrontation to keep things their way. The Guesser (at best) thinks the Asker means no harm and will eventually notice them and engage them. At worst, the Guesser thinks the Asker is deliberately ignoring them.

The Guesser will stew for years, waiting for the Asker to notice something is wrong. The Asker will think nothing must be wrong because nobody's complaining and they're happy themselves, and they'd complain if they weren't, so everybody must be happy. The Asker won't guess, the Guesser won't ask. Eventually the Guesser does ask, but it's because they're done, and the ask is for a divorce.

Some people enjoy being considered, some enjoy being consulted. In general a Guesser wants to be considered, an Asker wants to be consulted.

Gender mix and morality varies.

The gender in the article can be easily switched around. My ex is the conflict avoider. For years he agreed to so much that he apparently didn't really agree to, and blamed me for things he didn't tell me about. While I know I did have my head in the sand about some issues in the marriage, there were legitimate reasons why I was blindsided by his infidelity and subsequent walking out on his family.

Yeah. As people always say here, both spouses are responsible for issues in the relationship (and any failure to address them), but only the WS is responsible for the A.

the partners have a responsibility to talk to each other before splitting. That didn't happen in my case -- and the lack of communication was accompanied by an A.

Exactly. Unfortunately some people, for whatever reason, are lousy at communicating their feelings. I'm not real good at picking up on subtle clues and hints, so it came as a surprise to me that WW was unhappy enough to share her body all over town and kick her husband and child to the curb in the process.

She has two main aspects to her personality.

The Great Sphinx who says nothing...ever. This is her state of being 99% of the time.

And the Tasmanian Devil who emerges when WW loses her temper.

I much prefer when she loses her temper because that's the only time the truth comes out. Recently she screamed at me that I was too "chicken" to ever divorce her. That's like waving a red flag in front of a bull but at least what's in her heart finally came out.

Here's an idea; how about telling the other person exactly how you feel and why? Preferably without ranting and raving.

The generalization that men do not communicate well while women do is reversed in my M.

Love your signature quote, Mr. Kite.

They tell their husbands, "everything's fine," even when it's not. "Keeping the peace" is what they call it.

Sadly this is how a lot of women are socialized. Be the good wife. Keep the peace. Don't complain. Be supportive of your husband, he works hard. Give. Give give give give give, and keep your mouth shut.

And so it goes on. For twenty years or more. And she does the lion's share of the housework, even though they both work full time. And she takes care of sick kids, because he can't take off work. And she works the early shift, on 4 hours sleep most days, so she can be home with the school bus and take the kids to soccer practice and make dinner and check homework. And she stays up late doing laundry or making that costume for the school play and maybe be awake enough to fake another orgasm for a man who long since forgot what foreplay was. And she buys the Christmas gifts. And she plans the vacations. And she puts up with his family. And does it all tirelessly and with no complaints. And then one day when the kids are grown and the house is paid off, she says ENOUGH. She packs a bag and calls a lawyer.

And he never saw it coming.

I get it. That's the culture I was raised in. That's the kind of wife I was "supposed" to be.

Sometimes I feel lucky I was freed by a cheater at age 26.

Sadly this is how a lot of women are socialized. Be the good wife. Keep the peace. Don't complain. Be supportive of your husband, he works hard. Give. Give give give give give, and keep your mouth shut.

And so it goes on. For twenty years or more. And she does the lion's share of the housework, even though they both work full time. And she takes care of sick kids, because he can't take off work. And she works the early shift, on 4 hours sleep most days, so she can be home with the school bus and take the kids to soccer practice and make dinner and check homework. And she stays up late doing laundry or making that costume for the school play and maybe be awake enough to fake another orgasm for a man who long since forgot what foreplay was. And she buys the Christmas gifts. And she plans the vacations. And she puts up with his family. And does it all tirelessly and with no complaints. And then one day when the kids are grown and the house is paid off, she says ENOUGH. She packs a bag and calls a lawyer.

This, this is my life and the life a lot of my friends have lived, are living.

It sucks, add adultery to it, it's a lovely combination.

"And so it goes on. For twenty years or more. And she does the lion's share of the housework, even though they both work full time. And she takes care of sick kids, because he can't take off work. And she works the early shift, on 4 hours sleep most days, so she can be home with the school bus and take the kids to soccer practice and make dinner and check homework. And she stays up late doing laundry or making that costume for the school play and maybe be awake enough to fake another orgasm for a man who long since forgot what foreplay was. And she buys the Christmas gifts. And she plans the vacations. And she puts up with his family. And does it all tirelessly and with no complaints. And then one day when the kids are grown and the house is paid off, she says ENOUGH. She packs a bag and calls a lawyer."

Except for the fake orgasm and making the costume, that was my life with my internet whore wife for the last 15 years of our 23 year marriage. I finally said ENOUGH when she cheated yet again, and my daughters were old enough to choose who they wanted to live with.

I didn't leave earlier because I would have lost everything, including my daughters.

[This message edited by Walt at 2:22 PM, February 3rd (Thursday)]

Love your signature quote, Mr. Kite.

X2....hilarious (but true!!!)

I think its worth pointing out that this article applies to M's that were seemingly fine before the request for D.

If there has been infidelity in the M then its patently not fine, and to say you were blindsided is akin to saying 'Im an idiot' in my books.

I would like to add that when my WW told me she wanted a D i said repeatedly that i was blindsided...yep i guess i was an idiot in that regard, actually i knew D was a possibility, i just never thought that my WW would make that decision without at least letting me know that she was getting close to breaking point, especially in light of how id shown her my true feelings in the mnoths after DDay.

So although i cant really claim to have been completely blindsided, the same dynamic existed, My W for whatever reason was unable to let me know that she was about to break. I was unable to 'just know' it.

Yeah. As people always say here, both spouses are responsible for issues in the relationship (and any failure to address them), but only the WS is responsible for the A.

Agree 100% At first I told him I take no responsibility for the break-up of our marriage. Nearly a year later I do take responsibility for some of the break-down of the communication and some of the issues I too had my head in the sand about...but he owns the Affairs - 100%

If I'm ever single again, I'm moving to where damncutekitty grew up, because I haven't seen marriage dynamics like that since my parents were in their 20's.

I thought this was going to be a repeat of the walkaway wife scenario.

You know, the wife isn't happy and says so, the husband says he'll xyz, and he does, once or twice until things simmer down. Then after a while she complains again and he promises xyz again, lather rinse repeat a bunch of times.

Finally, she stops complaining and starts planning her exit strategy. Because she stops complaining, he thinks everything is A-OK and carries on, oblivious. And he's blindsided when she leaves. But she may have stopped making waves 4, 5 or more years ago.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome

I thought this was going to be a repeat of the walkaway wife scenario.

I think this better fits most of us here.

In the beginning, I fought for my marriage. Did and said everything I could to save my marriage. I couldn't fix everything on my own and he didn't want to change. Oh, he would promise to do this or that but never kept up his word. So I got tired of it after awhile. The cheating and abuse that followed was just the last straw for me.

So I planned out my exit plan. I was waiting until I got through with school and until the kids got a little bit older so things weren't so hard. I was pregnant with my daughter when I decided I was done.

Only he had to be a coward, hit me and walked out one night. I filed for a divorce the next day.

The stupid idiot shocked beyond belief that I had really filed for divorce. He never thought that I really would, is what he told me.