SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Any one have any advice or strategies that help cope with the flip flop of emotions tossed in face? One day the BH is hopeful and thanking me for my efforts, next day he's on the fence, next day he's in it for the long haul, next day he's not getting enough sex or its the wrong kind of sex, next day back to thank you, next day sleeps on couch but doesn't want to talk about it, then comes up an hour later attacking me kermudgen style while I'm asleep and gets pissed I don't have a response? Which is it? I have no idea exactly what I'm supposed to be responding to when I feel like I have to plan my days around these violent mood swings. What little time I have that is not usurped by children obligations and home maintenance is subjected to ill will. Hasn't even called to see if I got the results of an MRI...but his parents did. Somehow knowing that they care doesn't make up for their son not. Does it ever end?

I have no idea exactly what I'm supposed to be responding to when I feel like I have to plan my days around these violent mood swings.

I'm sure he doesn't either. I'm doubting he enjoys experiencing them or the reason he's experiencing them.

I've posted to you before that I really don't have enough of your story to respond to your posts. It's unfair to your BS to put something like this out there with absolutely no background or history...

I hope all is well with your health.

In the face of uncertainty and inconsistency, I believe the best you can do is be certain and consistent. That will keep it at a minimum.

If you are not consistent, then the cycle will only be worse, and it may never get better.

Personally, when I've been able to weather the storms effectively, keeping to a consistent message of hope and change despite those seeming forever away... well, that's when the most peaceful times have followed. When I don't do this, it ALWAYS gets worse.

No stop sign.

Turning it around, as a BS I have to plan my day around my own violent mood swings. At times I have been unable to breathe from being so overwhelmed by the enormity of what happened.

I don't know how long ago Dday was for you, but for awhile, my emotions fluctuated wildly. I could go from being spitting mad one minute and ready to chuck him on his ass, to suddenly wanting to do anything to save my marriage.

It sucks for me. I'm sure it sucks for your BH too.

How do you currently respond to it? What are you doing to help him heal? WH's support and understanding of the volatility of my emotions has gone a long way in making my mood swings less severe and less frequent. Also, the fewer unanswered questions I have, the easier it is to deal with difficult emotions.

Are you committed to R? If so, I think you need to focus less on how his mood swings impact your day and more on what he is feeling. If you are not committed to R, then you always have another choice.

Ohhh, but its fair of him to post that he's divorcing me but not tell me? Nevermind. Hence why I don't frequent this site.

Thanks anyway.

Thanks cd and lostperfection. Very helpful

Being a betrayed male, I can tell you my own experience.

When I was betrayed, it seemed like multiple personalities popped up. At any given time, one personality would take dominance depending on the type of trigger.

There was the rage and anger of my ego being destroyed. The bitterness of betrayal.

There was the personality that wanted so much for everything to go back to the way it used to be and try to recapture that lost relationship.

There was the personality of crushing depression and overhwelming saddness that believed I could never get over such a transgression.

There was the vengeful side that wanted to inflict the hurt and pain on the WS and OM for what they did.

There was the resentful side that felt I was forced to be in this situation with no easy solution.

Infidelity creates several dozen negative emotions with really only 1 positive emotion. All that keeps most of us here is the love we have/had and any hope that it can be rebuilt. If you want a strategy for figthing for your relationship, you need to tell him how bad you want things to work. Understand that these things will take a very long time to iron out. It is a high price paid by any WS but know that the price he pays is harder than anyone not in that position can imagine.

Ohhh, but its fair of him to post that he's divorcing me but not tell me?

Gently...

Was it fair of you to have an A without telling him first? Please don't ever think that he's in a position that is in any way "fair." Fair left with the A.

The difference here is that you caused this pain. Both of you are hurting, and you are both experiencing wild emotions. But he didn't invite this. Blaming him for his pain will only prolong it, and it will likely be the end of your M.

He can't be with you in your pain right now because it is everything he can do just to endure his own unasked for pain.

I realize that it is impossible to judge tone online so I want to emphasize that I am not trying to 2x4 here. A huge dose of humility and the realization that you are responsible for the position he is in would be much more helpful to both of you than taking the attitude that he somehow purposefully slighting you.

BTW, the pain caused by your A is not SI's fault either. He would hurt just as much (and probably more) if he didn't have a support resource.

Gently..I'd suspect he has no control over his reaction to the pain he is feeling.

Infidelity has been compared to rape or murder.

I can attest to that. I screamed growled, moaned, groaned. It felt like i was being stabbed in the heart.

I've had lots of loss in my life, lost my first husband to suicide, lost my mother.

Nothing comes close to this pain.

Sorry you are here but I'm glad you found this site. Read the healing library, there's so many good articles there that may help you understand his pain, and some advice on how to handle it, reply and help him heal.

You are a serial cheater, including a years long term affair and at least 5 OMs.

Since spring 2009 until just a couple of weeks ago you have been TT'ing this man, there's still more info you are hiding from him, or it's what your BH believe. You have been gaslighting your husband for years and years. It's you who is inconsistent and unnecessarily cruel (as your were in the past befote DDay). You have now to build again another timeline which incluye two more OMs. I hope this time you are able once for all to give him the truth about HIS life becuase ... do you really think anyone can be consistent with his emotions with this slow torture?

You started dealing with your issues in IC very recently. Still you don't get it., you are still blameshifting and not owing your shit. Sorry, friend what do you expect?

If your husband is talking about divorce here before talking to you sure enough there's something wrong in your marriage. What are you doing to repair it?

ETA

I’ve been following your BH posts at the distance since I joined. He’s pretty consistent given the shit sanwish you’ve been trowing at him once and again. Sorry but I believe all he says about your marriage.

I suspect you will disapear again from SI as always did in the past after starting a tread. No feed back, not explaining the basic facts of our story. You say you don’t like SI, what other avenues are you using to rebuild your marriage

[This message edited by Lost68 at 5:34 PM, February 28th (Monday)]

OK, last wasn’t a constructive answer.

He’s onsoncistent because you are putting it in a emotional rollercoaster. You need to tell the truth once and for all. After 22 months he’s still there, waiting for you to put some basisc facts of his and your life straight.

He is more hopeful since several months ago, since you got in IC, so he’s noticing you are starting to get healthy. Sure enough he want it to be more quicly but TT is killing him.

Do you know yet he didn’t cause you to be verbaly abusive? Do you know he didn’t cause you to cheat on him, repeatedly, over the years?

Have you tried to find out how been gaslighted and lied, and emotionaly and sexually deprived for years affect a random person?

Before putting a real effort at rebuilding his marriage he needs to know you are completely honest with him, once for all. He just want the friggin’ truth, trek. It will be a start. This and a real, heartfel, not parroted, apologie.

Listen, he fears make you to take a poly because he knows you will fail and then he will have to divorce you: he doesn’t want to divorce you. He want to love you without doubt.

22 months and still there, waiting.

Wish you peace.

[This message edited by Lost68 at 5:55 PM, February 28th (Monday)]

Lost68, not reading yours after the first sentence. And you obviously do not know the correct truth. Please don't post to me again.

Often, Fighting and Trying, monster thanks. Very helpful

Ohhh, but its fair of him to post that he's divorcing me but not tell me? Nevermind. Hence why I don't frequent this site.

Thanks anyway.

That was my whole point. You don't really make good use of this site and it's support and wisdom.

You do these "drive by" postings where you'll throw a few facts out...not even the entire story and then don't return to the post.

We don't have your story at all. It's not in your profile and the only reason I knew who your BS was is because I pieced it together after stumbling on one of his posts where he was posting about the same thing but with many additional facts.

I'm honestly not trying to discourage you but don't know what you're looking for.

Do you want to give some background?

Trek,

I think it is important to be open to criticism and pain. I can imagine it will be difficult but necessary.

I looked at your profile but didn't see anything. Would you like to share your side so people can get your side of the story?

Trek,

What do you want?

Your original questions above are basically asking for advice on how to deal with your BH rollercoaster. When people try to point out that yoy were/are the one who put him on there, yoy lash out. If this is how to respond to your BH, then it is pretty damn obvious why your BH is the way he is.

Stop lashing out and take responsibility for your own actions. There is no quick and easy answer in any of this.

Any one have any advice or strategies that help cope with the flip flop of emotions tossed in face?

Empathy. Patience. Compassion. Communication.

Unfortunately for all concerned, there aren't any shortcuts. The only way out is through.

What are the reasons you are staying in the marriage? You sound very resentful. Reconciling after infidelity is extraordinarily difficult, even when both parties are 100% committed and enthusiastic partners in the process. If you don't want to, don't. I mean that quite honestly--there is no need to put yourself, your H, and your children through any more suffering if you can't go all in. There's no shame in an honest decision that you don't want to continue, and sometimes it's the merciful choice.

Trek ,

Just be grateful that your H is a stronger man than many of us. You will not like the answers you hear here or anywhere else. Read these other WS posts. They are taking 100% responsibility for their A.

I'm glad you are finally in IC to get to the root of your issues. Maybe after some counseling, you can begin to repair your M. Do you want your M? How badly? If you want it badly enough, and you have any inkling of love for your H, you will start with putting it ALL on the table for him. Nothing you do will make any difference, and honestly your wasting your money and both your time until you are completely honest.

You will not find a single BS on this site or in any book or anywhere else that does not have those wild emotions. Its quite emasculating for a man to lose all control of his emotions, have no doubt he is ashamed and embarrassed of his lashing out. I too went from hope to threatening divorce to crying to anger all within an hour at times. Every BS does. I guarantee it, and your H is no different. Every time you TT or he learns of a new betrayal, it sends him right back to the drawing board. He cant even begin to have any sanity, and likewise you will see none from him, until he feels confident that all of the truth is out. If you read most of the posts from BS you will see a hopeful post followed by a hopeless post sometimes within hours of each other.

I hope you can find the strength to be completely honest with your H, that is the first aand foremost thing. After that I hope you have tthe strength to continue to ride out the emotional rollercoaster with him.

I don't know your story, so I won't assume your level of remorse,but out will see a common pattern with remorseful WS on this site and everywhere else. They are in excruciating pain because they realize the pain they caused their BS. They themselves are on the emotional roller coaster of remorse.

Good luck to the both of you.

My story is harsh; a 15-year on-off PA, which resulted in no biological connection with my BH and DS. A HUGE mistake I made was TT on D-Day 2, which made R so much harder. Despite my screw-ups, SI members have been supportive of me. I hope you frequent the site.

Concerning your BH’s inconsistent emotions, I’ve been through that, too. We had two months where we stayed up until 1-2:00AM, and many times I was overwhelmed and defensive. It IS an emotional roller coaster, and the R IS a marathon, not a sprint!

When BH and I had arguments, this passage from Dr. Glass’s Not Just Friends has helped:

When tempers are escalating, call a time-out to avoid further scarring. Make an appointment with each other to talk about the issue when you have both calmed down. Don’t just walk out without saying something. You can say, “I am ready to explode. I don’t want to make things worse than they already are, so I am going to go for a walk. Let’s table this discussion for later, when we’ve both cooled down.” Don’t follow your partner if he or she is trying to do some damage control. Regard withdrawal as a strategy that can help the relationship at this time rather than as an avoidance maneuver.

When the R has been tough, I’ve clung to this excerpt from Not Just Friends:

Don’t stay because you are too weak to end it and too afraid to be on your own. Stay because you are strong enough to handle the emotional roller coaster. Stay because you are independent enough to take care of yourself while your partner isn’t able to be there for you. Don’t leave because you’re running away from conflict. Leave because you’ve done everything possible for many months and there’s absolutely no sign of progress.

Best wishes to you and your BH.

Fair enough.

I'm away.