SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was one who was not in a 'love' affair. My affair was full of flirting, sexual inuendos, 'puffing' the OM up with compliments, total wanton desire.....but never love. We could have an entire conversation for an hour and the whole thing was just flirtacious fun....

Anyway, I miss it. Every. single. day. I worry about my husband reading this, but I think he knows. I miss the fun, the texts, the emails, the in-person contact. I HATE that I miss it, but I do. It's been months and months and the thoughts still consume me....

I do see OM once in a while...but interactions are cordial professional and fairly infrequent.

Currently I am with my third therapist to try to deal with this (starting about a year ago when the affair first started). This one is now having me tested for ADHD and bi-polar because she thinks PART Of what is going on could be related to that. She also thinks I have some pretty major family stuff from my past, along with relationship issues with my husband. So, basically, I'm a total mess :-).

Anyway, someone please tell me that there is hope for me? Is it possible that I am just broken?? That I will always want this type of 'secret' relationship in my life and be forced to live life without it? I don't want to be this person......

Things with my husband are SOOO much better than they were a year ago....so why would I be wanting to sabotage my life??

I have ADHD and some fairly significant FOO issues and I not only don't miss what the A represented it causes me greater pain than some recent shit that was pretty monumental.

I think it depends on you and how you value yourself. If you have healthy self respect and self esteem an affair would be an anathema to you.

There is nothing fun about colluding with someone to diminish and destroy your soul.

I don't recall of your OM was married but if he was how much fun do you normally have when you are aware that you are an unrelenting source of pain in another's life.

There are people that are truly not bothered by these things in which case there is no hope.

If you are, then as you do the work and get healthy internally you'll stop missing anything connected to that degradation.

Don't bank on a diagnosis and treatment as a panacea either. If you do have these things it will absolutely help with many aspects but the work remains the same.

I do see OM once in a while...but interactions are cordial professional and fairly infrequent.

This is the crux of why you miss it.

Any contact is an instant fix. You may be doing better with your BH, but the contact keeps you from doing as well as you could with reconciliation.

You have to get OM completely out of your life.

There are some that have the OM/OW still in their lives who are reconciling and I guarantee you there is a small cloud hanging over their relationship.

If anything it drags reconciliation and it takes longer to get fully reconciled.

You are getting "fixes" and it's making you crave more. Not a good situation.

I miss it. Every. single. day. I miss the fun, the texts, the emails.

Then why don't you practice these things with your husband? Who knows, you both may enjoy it.

I miss it. Every. single. day.

Where is your husband in your thought process when you feel this way? Is he not enough for you? That's one of the most precious gifts of marriage: an oath that you will both be enough for each other. There's wonderful peace and serenity in that. But maybe peace and serenity is not what you want?

Ok, I don't mean to be rude here, but I am having a really hard time with this...

I am a FWW and I'm about 10 months out from dday. While I was having the affair, I felt like you - it was "flirtatious fun" and very exciting.

However, since dday, even thinking about what I did makes me sick. I can't believe I ruined so many lives because I felt I needed to have "fun".

My BH thinks I am "broken" because of what I did. I must say that I think I agree. To a certain extent, anyone who would purposely cause their best friend this much pain must not be 100%. I am ashamed to say that I am "one of those people". Basically, I cheated on my husband because "I felt like it" It's sad.

I know I have alot of issues too, I think we all do, and I get that you feel "broken". However, it is up to YOU to fix yourself. Nobody can do it for you. Unfortunately, like FRM said, you will have a really hard time doing that if OM is still in the picture.

I also feel very sad for you that you still want this type of secret relationship in your life.

I'm sure my BH wondered if he wasn't enough, is that why I did it? I did it because I was selfish and didn't care about the consequences of my actions because I never planned on getting caught (brilliant huh?). I still can't belive that *I* did something this awful...

Anyways, back to you: If things are going better with your husband, I'm not sure why you keep thinking about this other dude?

I agree with whatnow - why don't you try to have your fun with your husband? That's assuming that he will do it. My BH doesn't want to do anything even remotely similar to what I did with mOM. I can't say I blame him, but you could try?

I'm sorry if this came off as rude, but it really blows my mind that you can still have those kind of thoughts even after you see how much damage your affair did...

I wish you luck

[This message edited by jeezlouise at 9:51 PM, June 22nd (Wednesday)]

To a certain extent, anyone who would purposely cause their best friend this much pain must not be 100%.

Jeez, what a great post. Anyway, I have to admit it hurts read your post, helpmegetoverit. I wonder at times if that's how my FWW feels, and its soul crushing. She does tell me all the time that it makes her sick to think of what she did back then, but I do wonder sometimes.

That said, I can only echo what's said here. Seeing the OM in any circumstances is just like an alcoholic sitting at the bar and ordering a water. Looking at all those tap beers is a tease. Avoiding the bar altogether helps him not miss the drink so much. Sadly, as long as you have any interaction or MOM is in anyway part of your life, no matter how subtle, there will indeed be a black cloud in your R and those feelings you have will be constantly stirred up. Is there any way to change jobs?

[This message edited by hallelujah at 12:37 PM, July 13th (Wednesday)]

If you miss seeing the affair partner so much, divorce your spouse. Because your marriage is a farce as long as you're missing the affair.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 12:32 PM, June 23rd (Thursday)]

I miss NOTHING. Whenever I think about the things I did, the things that I've jeopardized, I feel physically ill.

I want all of what you said with my husband. I want that silly, sexy, heart bubbles floating stuff with my husband.

I think if you want that with someone else, it's time to reconsider your choices.

There is no question that I miss it. (And I have trouble believing anyone who doesn't.) Treatment of addicts and alcoholics includes an honest acknowledgement of the "benefits" of using your substance.

I think this is very true. I had a discussion recently with an alcoholic who almost ruined his life at a very young age and has now been dry for 20 years. He was telling me about the things he stilled misses about being able to drink. This does not mean he would ever go back there again and he knows all the reasons why not, but he became an alcoholic in the first place because he did like to drink.

If you miss seeing the affair partner so much, divorce your spouse. Because your marriage is a farce as long as you're missing the affair.

I don't think you're really understanding what she is saying. Marriage is not a farce when you are trying to do what is right. We talk over and over on this site about what love is and it is not just about a feeling. It is about actions and also about staving off feelings that are not good for the marriage.

The question here is what to do about these feelings, and how to best move away from them. Is is a good idea to talk to your spouse about them? Is there ways to find other outlets in life that will relieve them?

I am 3.5 years and this still happens to me. I use many methods I have read about here and other places to get away from those feelings. Many times I think I've totally conquered it, only to have something sneak up on me or trigger or just pop into my head. Sometimes I regress and when I do I work hard to get back, which is probably why I still come on here and read.

This does not mean I don't love my BH. It does not mean I am not happy with my life. It certainly does not mean that I should just get divorced because I sometimes have thoughts I shouldn't have.

helpme, You might always have a little of the craving for a 'secret life', but you might be able to chanel that into a type of secret that would be ok for both you and your spouse. Maybe through writing or sports or something else that won't impact your marriage. Often people who are bored with life have much more cravings like this, so find something to fill more of your time that you really enjoy.

In helpmegetoverit's defense...

I think she may still be in the fog...

Some take longer than others to realize the full extent of the damage they caused... and to also take off the rose colored glasses and see their A partner for what they really are...

FWH took a while too

I'm sure he missed talking to her in the beginning... does it make me upset? Not really... He still had his head up his ass...

I think one day helpme, you will wake up from the fog and then it will hit you like a ton of bricks... until then, as FRM said... if this is a problem for you and you are still in contact with OM then no good is going to come of it.. I would start looking for a new job immediately...

I am 3.5 years and this still happens to me.

Call me a hard-liner, but I would never want to be married to someone who felt that an affair was something to be resisted. That's a deal breaker for me, because to me it shows a mindset that doesn't fully *get* the immorality of an affair. If that immorality is understood, an affair is pure ugliness, and revolting.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 3:46 PM, June 23rd (Thursday)]

Often people who are bored with life have much more cravings like this, so find something to fill more of your time that you really enjoy.

I just posted about this. Boredom and how we handle it is a huge issue. It's seldom focused on unless it couples with other deficits and results in behavior that is destructive like drug addiction, gambling, affairs, other external stimuli.

Boredom can be linked to depression as well. I think that if you weren't given the skills to self entertain it can be very difficult thing to deal with.

It's not the OP she's missing. It was the actions and the feelings involved. Yes, NC is important but unless other areas are examined and focused on it will just be someone else.

I agree with Blue, I think you are still in the fog, but I think Once has hit the nail on the head...

Call me a hard-liner, but I would never want to be married to someone who felt that affair was something to be resisted. That's a deal breaker for me, because to me it shows a mindset that doesn't fully *get* the immorality of an affair. If that immorality is understood, an affair is pure ugliness, and revolting.

It sure is... :(

Thank you all for the responses. All were helpful - whether admitting that you sometimes feel the same way or putting me in my place :-).

Just to let everyone know, I'm NOT saying that I want to be with OM. He's the most selfish individual I have ever met. Did PARTS of his personality attract me? You bet they did. They are all the parts that are different from my husband. But, the parts I love in a person are the ones my husband has. Honestly, while this person was the one I had the relationship with, I more miss the type of relationship, and think that basically anyone who would provide me with that would do.

OM and I are in the same industry and will cross paths most likely at least once or twice a year even after he moves (he has a planned move) 40 miles away. I'd rather not way what we do, but it's going to happen (even if we don't see each other face to face or work for the same company). Obviously once he leaves we'll see each other VERY rarely and can try to avoid it .... but it may still happen like I said max once or twice a year. Or maybe it won't .. hard to say right now because I don't talk to him about his plans once he moves. I moved to be near my family a few years ago and will not be leaving the area.

Thanks again everyone.

I definitely find that the more I feed it by thinking about it or engaging in fantasies, the more I miss it.

This is KEY. Actions follow thought (hopefully), so it stands to reason that if you obsess about it, you will 'act out' the behavior in some form or another, regardless of whether it is with the same person. So, the trick is to recognize this thought process and replace it with something that has a more positive impact on your life.

Just today, I sat down and read "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. I would recommend it to anyone seeking to understand the underlying issues of compulsiveness and addiction.

Once you work on the parts of yourself that are broken and begin to heal, you'll find that you won't seek unhealthy coping mechanisms. It may not seem like it now but rather than missing what the A represented, you could actually be missing the escape from [insert your particular sitch here].

Learning the right coping mechanisms is a good start, but I found I also had to learn to know when to employ them. I could *know* all day long the right thing to do but if I wasn't healthy enough to do it, it was of no use to me. In that case, thought followed actions. Whether I wanted to do the right / healthy thing or not, I did.... and soon I found myself doing it habitually with little need or desire for acting out.

Call me a hard-liner, but I would never want to be married to someone who felt that an affair was something to be resisted. That's a deal breaker for me, because to me it shows a mindset that doesn't fully *get* the immorality of an affair. If that immorality is understood, an affair is pure ugliness, and revolting.

I know that many people feel exactly this way which is why many marriages end. I am very fortunate that my BH is a more empathetic and understanding person. He does understand that emotions do not always make sense and that they do not have on/off switches no matter what your 'moral' rational mind tells you.

Things to discuss with your therapist:

(1) Why do secrets make you feel safe?

(2) How to stop fantasizing. Logistical techniques: snap rubber band, exercise, etc. "NC" means "mental NC" also. Reminiscing and fantasizing are breaking NC.

(3) Fill your soul bank. What is missing in your life, in your soul, that you need? What else can provide excitement and satisfaction for you?