SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been quite a while since I posted or read SI for a while. My BH and I are getting a divorce--paperwork is almost finished. Today I dropped off kiddo after a great long weekend together; I had to go into the bedroom to let the dog out of his crate (BH got delayed in getting car repaired). I stopped in my tracks, as the furniture had been rearranged. This is no longer my, our, bedroom I thought. And, it never will be again.

I read some threads in the Divorced forum, and feel so awful for those who have nasty spouses. I know I'm the one who stepped out on the marriage, I know I'm the one who made poor choices. I still don't want a divorce, but love my BH and want him to find peace.

I just wanted to say sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't confide in my BH when I felt alone.

I'm sorry that I didn't trust my friends and seek their advice to help me through my thoughts--that they were there to help me, not judge me.

I'm sorry that I betrayed my marriage and vows.

I'm sorry that I betrayed my husband.

I'm sorry I wasn't resilient enough to push through the hard times, for better or worse.

I'm sorry that I didn't work harder in trying to reconcile, to communicate at 110%, to try to understand 110%.

I'm sorry to my son for making life more confusing.

I'm sorry to my parents and family for not being the daughter you raised.

I'm sorry to my BH's family for hurting such a good person.

I'm sorry to the OM's wife and children for betraying your trust and friendship.

I'm sorry to the BS's that have endured so much pain.

Walking into that room today has been yet another reminder that I have to keep healing, I have to keep working, I have to keep living so that I never have to say "I'm sorry" because I didn't learn from the worst thing I've ever done.

If reconciliation is still what you want, don't give up. I have seen many couples who re-unite after D. Sometimes, D is just formality of things. If you still have not given up on the M, then it's still not over.

Continue keeping in touch with your XBH, and make sure he knows you keep yourself still available. Keep telling him you still love him. This is what my BF's wife did. 3 Months after D, after much persuasion she managed to have XH agree to attend together a church retreat designed to help M. The rest is history.

This is just one example.

[This message edited by SadCalifornian at 9:35 PM, September 5th (Monday)]

Wow, as a BH, it sounds like you HAVE learned a lot.

thank you lily ... it means a lot to me as a FBW to hear this ... my Xh never gave a sincere apology ... ever

makes me have hope when I see threads like this ... and this is why I love our WS's here at si ... they get it ...

(((lily)))

I have to say that I applaud your courage. It takes guts to allow people to see you so vulnerable and raw.

I know my WS is very sorry. I think that I would like to hear it more often. Its been awhile, even if he just squeezed my hand and whispered he was sorry every once in awhile.

Keep the faith, there is no time limit on loving someone and making things happen.

daylily80,

I am sorry to see your pain. Like you my paperwork will be final very soon as well.

In my case I am the BS and tonight I read some of your previous posts and was impressed with your determination in healing both yourself and your BH; I am pulling for you.

I read posts on SI from the Wayward side & other forums to try to figure out why or how my WW could have done this to us and our family. I just can't seem to get past that. I am thankful though for some of the insight I gain from the various forums

I wished my WW would have given at least 1/2 the effort you did in trying to help me heal. If she did perhaps it would have been enough for me to offer R (which I was hoping for at least a chance to attempt).

I still love my WW but there was never enough effort or actions to show that our M or me were worth enough to fight for.

You truly made the effort and just as important I believe your BH knows that too.

Continue on with your healing (even during sad times) because it is too important to give up on.

It has happened before; Some people do actually R after going through D. I wish you well.

(((daylily)))

Work on finding the answers on why you had such difficulty communicating your unhappiness, I'm a BS but I've found that I use humour or would ignore things and then blow up instead of confronting the problem or stressor effectively.

The good thing is you still have a relationship with your XH, a co-parenting relationship. You have the opportunity to model appropriate behavior to life's challenges for your child. You have the opportunity to change the bad patterns that you probably brought from your own family.

I am the BS in this marriage and sometimes I just don't see a future being possible with my WS. I am very disappointed in how he continues to avoid working on himself. He already knows everything, everything in this marriage is MY problem. I do have the responsibility and opportunity to model healthy responses, setting boundaries, effective communication when unhappy and how I react to stress to my two daughters, so that they don't end up with the same marriage dynamics that I did.

Out of all the list of I'm sorry's you don't want to EVER add "I'm sorry that I didn't model effective communication, how to deal with stressful situations for my child."

Thinking about the legacy of familial behavior often is the strongest incentive that I have to keep working on myself.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I'm trying to find ways to move forward, even if I'm not ready to let go yet. I think this perhaps is helping me accept where I am and realize where I want to go.

(((daylily))) I feel your pain. I am rooting for you 100%, for both your self healing and your marriage. I am in the same boat as you, BH has started D paperwork and this is not at all what I want. But, I had to realize that it is no longer my decision.

I admire your courage and determination to carry on day to day! I so needed to see this post today, Thanks!

You might think about sending this note to BH. It may help him cope on the long road ahead.

As a BH (betrayed husband) myself I can tell you that I never get tired if hearing I'm sorry. It lets me know that at least what she did is on her mind sometimes because it is always on mine. And it would mean the world to me if she kept on telling me how much she still wanted me even after I filed. Just no pride no shame, just told me she is 100% mine and will continue to wait for me to be ready to take her back. I'm telling you persistence has a way of showing a person just how much you love them and it shows that love is real and pure even if its unrequited. Just don't think youre doing him any favors to let him go.

Right now his ego and self image has been shattered and the divorce is a way for him to regain some of that. but through constant profession of your regret and your love, you can win him back even months or years after divorce. I've seen lotsa times.