SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone lose friends because of the situation you went or are going thru?

If so, how come?

Holy Cow! I was coming on to post something about this very thing! YES! I lost my very best friend (and she wasn't the OW). She was one of the 2 friends who knew right on d-day. She was "there" for me, supported me, encouraged me, etc. I was careful not to take advantage of her. I told her I was saving most of my issues for IC; please just "be my friend" , talk about normal stuff with me, etc. Within 6 months of d-day, she dropped me like a bag of rocks. Now, even though our boys are still great friends (at school only since she won't arrange playdates), she seems to want as far away from me as possible. I liken it to feeling like she doean't want to "catch" something from me.

I just sent her an e-mail tonight explaining how hurt and rejected I felt. I told her I was completely at a loss as to why this happened between us when I thought we were such good friends. It has been 10 months since she has looked at me, much less spoken to me and our paths cross often as we each have 2 kids in the same grades.

It has taught me a lot about people's character. Whatever the reason, she's not strong enough to be my friend (it hurts her to see me? She's disgusted by H? Who knows?) I no longer think it's a flaw in me, but instead in her. I now see her as "one of those people." You know, the ones who think "once a cheat, always a cheat" or "he wants his cake and to eat it too." Then again...he's not her H, she really doesn't need to even try to look past his flaws, right? I just thought she would, for me.

BTW, the "other" friend that knows wishes my H would allow her to prove she can still be a "family" friend! The complete opposite of my former BFF! He is still to full of shame and embarassment for me to attempt contact.....I have hope this relationship will be salvaged eventually.

Sorry to hear you lost your best friend especially thru a very rough time. I do agree with you on them showing you their true character.

My childhood friend, since the 5th grade took up for the female (roommate/ex best friend) that slept with my ex when we had broke up. It's funny because I introduced the two friends and over the years they became best friends. So when I spoke to my childhood friend about our friend who betrayed me she took up for her. I was so shocked. I don't even want to associate w my friend anymore because I don't think she understood the pain I went thru when I heard the news. I really dont feel comfortable speaking to her anymore considering her best friend is the girl who was my roommate, became my best friend over the years, slept w my ex, once we got back together she never told me. Slap in the face. Anyway, that's beside the point. I'm a little sad I'm losing a friend though (really two I guess if that "friend" was ever a "friend).

Your other friend who is trying to prove her friendship.....I totally relate to her!!! I have a best guy friend. Friends since middle school. I NOW don't feel comfortable texting/calling him out of respect for his gf. I never crossed the line with him, but I just feel like since MY friend back stabbed me I don't want other girls to think the same way about me. I guess I'm a little jaded. I have talked to my best guy friend's gf though. She is so understanding. I talk to her more now than him. I even told her if she doesn't like that we are friends I would stop our friendship. It's like I have too much respect for my girl friends now (not that I didn't before).

I've read other threads about people losing friends (even if they weren't the OP) I just wonder why. It's so sad.

I liken it to feeling like she doean't want to "catch" something from me.

ugh! I HATE that!! I have felt like the neighborhood pariah because of this. I felt like most of the other mothers avoided me, and I truly believe some of them gossiped about me (and X) where their kids could hear and the kids treat DD differently because of it. Luckily DD is a strong personality and has been able to push past that.

X and I had a set of friends that I feel like I lost. The guy was X's friend from HS but he met his wife after he knew me. We used to get together every couple of months. After dday and X moved, they called every few months and asked me to meet for dinner, but I was physically and emotionally unable to. And then eventually stopped calling. I wish they had stuck with me because after about 18 months I WAS able to go out. But they gave up on me before then. Then they moved and I didn't know how to get in touch with them. Now, so much time has passed it would be awkward.

On the other hand, I have gotten much closer to my sisters. I did not lean on them after dday because we were not extremely close. They do not live in the same state, their kids are much older than mine, and distance and time (and very different personalities) simply made it so that I did not share day-to-day life with them. But other events in the family (illness and death) have bonded us. We are now planning a "girls trip" to visit our elderly aunt next year. I still don't share day-t-day with them (or anyone for that matter) but I am more likely to share DD's accomplishments and disappointments with them than anyone else.

Yup lost a couple of friends too and it adds to the alone feelings.

I wonder why they stray.

Just a bit of comfort over lost friends. This is a lot of stress to live through, even vicariously. With whatever else is going on in their lives, it may be too much, and people have to save themselves. I know a lot of my friendships became one sided when I first went through this, but I was fortunate that I was forced to be isolated from them much of the time.

There were friends of my wifes that I was very fond of that I can no longer... Either because they knew and took her side (I hate the sisterhood bullshit), or because she told so many lies about me to justify her actions without revealing hers.

ETA: The friends that helped me out and stayed through this with me are like gold.

[This message edited by aesir at 2:29 AM, October 30th (Sunday)]

Its times like this where you find out who are true friends and who are not. While at first it kinda hurts. But in reality it was good for me. I found it cleansing. I was able to rid myself of many negative people.

Yep...

My WW and I had just started going out with an old highschool friend of mine and his wife as couples. I thought we were taking a step in the right direction by building some friendships as a couple.

Nope... turns out my WW got drunk and was making out with my friend in another room while I played cards with his wife. I don't know that I'm really interested in being friends with him anymore but we certainly won't be hanging out with them as a couple any longer.

Alexa

Yes, I too have lost "friends" due to my WH A. Not because they knew OW, not because they befriended the OW . . . Simply because I stayed to work "things" out with WH, simply because I didn't kick WH out. I don't miss them! In fact, I'm happier without them!

Yep. My best friend if 27 years. I posted in this a while back.

She doesn't get it.

She likes my H and believes that we belong together. Breaking up woulda be wrong bevause we are meant to be. That I should be over it by now, despite 10 months of TT and his inability to provide transparency even STILL ( another 10 months later).

She actually has had meetings and texts with him on this topic, telling him I'll come around, and how she understands he made a mistake.

So slowly and surely this friendship is now dying. 27 years down the drain cuz she can't keep her mouth shut and he needed a whore to fluff his ego.

Yes it hurts but I think of it as weeding out the weak. Good riddance to the people who have the luxury of being judgemental as a result of ignorance. I love knowing who my real friends are. I am grateful to anyone who has shown their true colors. Now I know where I stand and can move forward.

Yes, my best friend of 14 years. Long story short (way too many details), she couldn't humble herself and admit that she hurt my BH while enabling me during my As, she wouldn't apologize to him. She acted like, 'he needs to get over it already', and didn't respect our healing process/journey.

Others too, toxic people who weren't friends of the marriage.

In every case, our lives are so much better without these people in them.

Yes, but it is all my doing. My life is a sham and I don't want to expose me to them. I feel like I have cooties. I don't want them to catch anything from me.

I withdrew from ...well, pretty much everyone. I was nonparticipatory in social stuff, and lesser friends might have abandoned me.

For a good, long time, I just pulled back. It was so strange; I so badly needed love, and to feel valued, but actually feeling that love and care from friends hurt. It reminded me of what I was lacking in my marriage. I was so fragile, that I thought that even the gentlest of hugs would cause me to disintegrate.

And social interaction also required ....well, talking about it. And I was embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated. I believed what my X told me about myself and my worth....and I was messed up enough that I believed others would see that, too.

Oh, I was so wrong.

I am grateful beyond belief for good friends. I have not lost any---but I have learned something I never knew. (And here I was, thinking I knew everything.) I learned others can help me. This sounds like an odd revelation, but I was always that go-to person. Even as a child, my "role" was to be the fixer.

And I was so broken, I could not only help anyone else, but I could not help anyone else.

And when I became brave enough to say, "I need help," my GOD! My friends were so willing to offer it.

Honestly, this is one really good thing that came from infidelity: I learned something about repricocity that I'd never mastered before. It was an enormous gift. Just enormous.

I have been so blessed. I have learned that people really, really care about me. That they are willing to give me space, if I need it or---and this was really important---to drag me out of my bad place if I need it. (I have one friend, who I learned was cheated on in her long-ago marriage, who was especially wonderful about saying, "C'mon. Just a cup of coffee..." and gradually getting me back into the world. I can't express the gratitude I have for her.)

It's been very, very difficult for me to leave my self-isolation. My friends---many of whom I had no clue cared as much---have been pivotal to my recovery.

I don't have a million. But I have far more than I ever knew.

Now, X and I didn't really have many couples friends; those "shared" friendships were primarily the result of my engineering. I still have all those friends. I haven't perceived any fear of "contagion." (I think it helps that people know that X really is tremendously personality disordered---they feel pretty safe from that sort of thing.)

I've been so, so lucky. Despite the profound losses I've experienced due to my husband's infidelity, I have gained things I would not have, otherwise.

Assuming we R, my wife will have to let about 8 friendships drift away because she told them about her A in mid-stream and vomitted our private life to them (she did this to demonize me in their eyes and justify her actions to herself). They aren't my friends and I have no interest trying to rehabilitate my image to them.

She will lose a cousin because this person enabled the A's, provided an alibi, give her hotel discounts she could use with her OM, ...

She will probably not interact with her sister (our sons godmother) very much; SIL will not be welcome in our home forever. Her sister knew of the A when it started and did nothing to stop it.

I really have no interest in WW's family. When we married, they were a normal, then the infidelity bug hit them. Don't like them anymore. I find them rather annoying.

I have not lost any friends. None of them know.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 3:10 PM, October 30th (Sunday)]

I told everyone about the LTA-so all of our friends and family members know.

We have lost some friends but the majority are 100% behind us in our R.

Ghostrider- you may change your mind about distancing yourself from your WW's sister.

I had a similar situation with both an old friend and a family member...where I knew about the infidelity.

I did not approve of it and tried to advise them but I did not think to tell their husbands.

It was pre d-day for me and I really do believe that unless you have lived through infidelity you truly do not understand it. you do not understand the depth of the betrayal and the depth of the pain for the betrayed spouse...and you also do not know how to handle things.

Looking back at those situations I know that if it were to happen now I would have a very different attitude.

so..sometimes people react to infidelity in less than perfect ways because they simply do not know how to react.

I know that people who are dealing with the death of a loved one, or an illlness or divorce say the same things-they have lost some friends, people don't know how to talk to them, many do not say the appropriate thing, many people distance themselves because they do not want to 'catch' what they have or they simply don't know what to say so they avoid them.

We as BS can't take it personally and shouldn't let it affect our efforts at R (if that's what we have chosen to do).

Nope... turns out my WW got drunk and was making out with my friend in another room while I played cards with his wife.

sorry for the t/j,

Alexa was this recently? Are you fucking serious?

Thundersdad... No... Not recent. Just one of the most recent things in the long string of shitty choices my SAWW made. It's been a couple years now since that happened but it still grinds my gears. It makes me think that NO ONE with male genetalia is safe to bring around her. Friends have to be kept at arms length.

njgal480, you may be right, but there are 4 things going against SIL. They are:

1. SIL's husband has had EA's and is suspected of PA's. How she could go along with the betrayal is beside me.

2. After the first DDay, my WW (still fog induced) and SIL coordinated to hide her awareness.

3. After 7 months, she has not sent one letter, one email or made one call attempting to apologize.

4. I don't think my WW has disclosed all the facts.

The relationship with SIL may recover to some degree. But the hole is deep.

[This message edited by Ghostrider at 4:47 PM, October 30th (Sunday)]