SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm the type where I think flirting is not ok, the intent behind it is what I question and I feel that on some level it speaks "I'm available" or "I'm interested".

I recently discovered that my FWS had been flirting with a co-worker over the last few months... this discovery was the result of my confronting her last week based on my gut telling me something was amiss and me noticing some changes in her cell phone behavior and what I perceived as a passive aggression on her part to me and to others.

Today I struggle with what to do. I expressed how I feel about it, I'm really hurt by it and I've shared this. I'm angry at her that she opened the door and invited this into our marriage, and I've shared this with her. She chooses to continue to argue that flirting doesn't mean anything and she will flirt with her friends knowing how it makes me feel. Seeing as she knows how it makes me feels, she chooses to hide it or lie to me when I ask about it. Her most recent lie was yesterday which she quickly admitted was a lie when I pressed her to clarify if she had sent any flirtatious texts today (yesterday). First she said none, then maybe a few, then not sure because she deleted them. Screaming RED FLAGS from the fog of the ego boost that she gets out of it.

Well, I now feel like I should focus on it less and accept that she will continue to flirt and cross that boundary that I myself won't cross. Or I should remove myself from the relationship - or stop R and focus on D. Realizing that I can't control her and she has to want to change for me to see a change is something I can accept, but it doesn't seem like she's willing to change this behavior even though I feel she's fully aware of how I feel.

you're right - you can't change what she or anyone else does. Believe me, its taken me a long while to accept that - and sometimes I still have trouble with it-

The only thing you can do is have consequences in place for her. It seems to me that you're just going to accept that behavior - and ya know, thats ok too. I mean that really, we all have our dealbreakers and if you can deal with that - who am I to tell you otherwise.

However, if you can't deal with it - the only thing you can do is enforce consequences and boundaries. YOUR boundaries.

I know..I know, its so hard. and it took me a while to understand exactly what that means.

Mine flirted for years knowing how I felt. So now he can do flirt with whoever he wants. My boundaries were different than his, so I'm divorcing his disrespectful arse.

i definately feel it's disrespectful to me and our children.

as I've tried to explain, it's not the flirting that is an issue, it's the intent behind it and the fact that she's hiding it - by lying about it and by deleting texts

Nothing good comes from flirting. That is how FWH's affair started. In his words, the flirting turned sexual, the hugs lasted longer and then the affair began. It is my deal breaker. He cannot say or do anything with another woman that he cannot do in front of me. I have firm boundaries on this. FWH was a huge flirt for over 27 years and I just looked the other way. Not anymore. You have every right to say that flirting is unacceptable. Either she wants to fix the M or she doesn't but she can't have it both ways.

WW here. Out of curiosity I googled the definition.

Flirt - is a playful, romantic, or sexual overture by one person to another subtly indicating an interest in a deeper relationship with the other person, and can involve verbal communication as well as body language.

I'm a "natural born flirt". I've learned the hard way that flirting is NOT cool outside of my marriage.

slicerboy,

Her bad decisions, bad choices and inability to cope are in all likelihood the reasons you beleive that she would cross the line.

I'm a very friendly person, but I don't flirt...

I've learned that we ALL have different definitions of flirting... and maybe you both need to clarify how YOU define flirting, and why YOU think it is wrong.

My WS is a flirt.

He spend many countless nights at bars, and clubs with cowrokers, flirting with women and buying them drinks.

He thought this was harmless

(really??? you suggested that you were single, and this is harmless???

your Wife and kids never came up in the conversations is ok???

The fact that you NEVER mentioned to me in the past three years that while you were out, you met women and bought them drinks, and acted "Single" somehow seems ok???)<- that's a problem!

Anyway... I think these flirtatious actions "groomed" my DH to go through with his ONS (although I think there is more than a ONS)

No, I'm sorry, "I" don;t think flirting is ok... "I" won;t tolerate it anymore... and try to convince myself tht he is overly friendly!

No, I finally put my foot down on my WS who has poor judgement, made bad decisions, and choices, and who's inability to cope with problems convinced himself that excuses for bad behaviour should fly with me...

((slicerboy))

Put your foot down...

I agree with Ladya. Nothing good can come from flirting, which, as already pointed out, is different than being friendly. If she's not willing to apply the "would I do or say this if my H were here" rule, then I think it's time for you to shake things up. That could be strong 180, letting her know you're seeing an attorney re: a D, moving out...that's up to you. But the disrespect from her, knowing full well the repercussions of walking the slippery slope, is unacceptable! You deserve better! ((hugs))

I've been trying the 180. Yesterday was a good day for me where I didn't let my definition of flirting consume all my thoughts as I applied my definition to what I think it meant from her perspective.

Major set back.... First of all if you are R why isn't she doing everything to show YOU how remorseful she is? This is a damn slippery slope why is she deleting the text before you see them??? If this is a deal breaker stop asking her to stop and pack her bags... Tell her when she ready for true R then you two can talk but until then she can get the stepping.....

Grrrrr!!!! What are your plans????

Major set back.... First of all if you are R why isn't she doing everything to show YOU how remorseful she is? This is a damn slippery slope why is she deleting the text before you see them??? If this is a deal breaker stop asking her to stop and pack her bags... Tell her when she ready for true R then you two can talk but until then she can get the stepping.....

Grrrrr!!!! What are your plans????

I suggest she hasn't changed. For people in general, I believe you ARE WHAT you WHERE WHEN you WERE value programmed, and that you WERE value programmed between the ages of 7 and 17 unless you experience a major life change. Has she experienced a major life change? Has she cleaned her closet? Trust your gut. It has senses more than I can explain.

You can't stop them. They have to stop themselves.

But you CAN leave them. I can tell you right now, that at the first HINT of shenanigans, I'm outtie. She knows this, and more importantly, I KNOW THIS.

Flirting is way out of line for any married person, and certainly for someone who has a history of taking it all the way.

It can only continue as long as you allow it to. You can't stop her from being the perpetrator, but you can prevent yourself from being the victim.

Sorry, I have zero remorse for cheaters who don't immediately change themselves for the better. They don't have to handle it perfectly, but come on...flirting and texting? She isn't even trying.

I made huge mistakes first go around with WS's first EA.

No boundaries put in place, no demanding(well tried) NC, no consequences for the continuation of that relationship.

let it be rug swept.

It did come back to bite me on the ass.

never again will I let that happen!

I will demand respect, if it does not happen?

I am gone, period, no third chances.

Respect or lack or it, is the real issue here. If you feel disrespected by your WW doing this then she needs to pull her head in and start looking at someone else's feelings for a change instead of servicing her immature ego.

I put up with stbxh's flirting all our married life. I was always made to feel that there was "nothing in it" that he was just being friendly, it was just part of his salesmanlike gregarious personality and he flirted with everyone in the same way be they men or women. What a load of bull!

He knew if made me feel lousy, I told him time and time again and yet still he kept doing it. If I had done the same to him though, he would have been beside himself with insecurities.

Flirting is a sign of total disrespect to your partner IMO especially when you are aware of how it makes them feel. It is just a massive ego boost for the flirt without any regard or empathy for anyone else.

This would be a dealbreaker for me especially now but I guess it is up to the individual regarding how much they are prepared to accept.

I am not a great advocate normally for game playing but maybe you should do some flirting yourself to see how it makes HER feel.

Ellejay

I agree it's a huge ego boost and she brought all her boosted energy home to me. Now she feels "terrible" because now things are different between us and doesn't know why she does this... fog - ugh!

I continue to do the 180, spending time with our sons and keeping myself busy. I shared how I am hurt by it and I am dissappointed and mad all that same time because deep down I know she will continue to flirt to get the ego boost. I haven't decided if this is a deal breaker for me right now, but am thinking it over and considering what my options are.

Slicerboy

She is a very very foolish woman indeed if she feels her need to flirt is worth more to her than her family.

Tell her to get a new hobby.

Ellejay

Immature seems too nice of a word to even define it.

brutal. major setback. like dandling a T-Bone in front of a doberman. Eventually, he'll bite.

So she hasn't changed...That is the lesson to take from this. Flirting/texting with a co-worker, being defensive and secretive about it, refusing to stop...she is already emotionally invested in him. I'm sorry. Major setback.