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My husband and I are now divorced. I am determined to try to win him back, regardless of the amount of time or effort required.

We have corresponded via email a few times since the divorce and I have made my intent known to him. Recently he responded and I am at a loss on how to respond. I am not looking for advice to move on with my life without him, that is not what I want, nor will I settle living my life without him.

If anyone has any constructive advice on how I can respond to his email I would sincerely appreciate hearing your comment.

His email…

Reuben,

Your life is your own now and I wish you the best. You ask how I can walk away… you showed me how.

I am at a loss as well, given that you may have to settle for life without him.

He is very pointed in painting the picture of just exactly how he was able to 'walk away' from your 40 year relationship. I would say he isn't interested in whether or not you will or won't settle for life without him.

1. You could go silent and claim you never received a response a week or two later.

2. You could start/continue IC to help prove your willingness to 'own your sh1t' and change the marriage-destroying habit he claims you have.

3. Allow time to pass. See if he softens, or becomes willing to accept you in authenticity, knowing he may never feel safe or trust you again (or both of you may have a true R).

I would ask you to ask yourself, if you are willing to put forth the time and effort now, why was he or your marriage not worth your time and effort then?

I've been a fWW. I had to find out the hard way that I cannot always control life to hand me what I want, for just any reason on the continuum of altruism to selfishness. The other person will always have their say, their truth, and their decision. Marriage is dynamic. Change is always happening, but true, lasting change means we stop doing what we did previously, and that we nip all the branches of the slippery slope *in the bud.*

ETA- His email indicates great pain and a simmering anger. He clearly is trying to own and handle his pain as best he can. I hope he is in IC as well. I'm afraid he will find as I did, that D doesn't rid one of pain, but the distance does allow for some healing on both sides.

Please make sure to use this time apart wisely to learn about yourself, because whether you end up together again or not, you need to put time and effort into YOURSELF to move forward in your life either way. You see, the more he has opportunity to see you being proactive in turning away from your previous ways, the better chance you have of maybe coming together again in the future...on better terms -- a possible fresh start, if you will.

[This message edited by WhiistleSt0p at 12:18 PM, December 3rd (Saturday)]

Dear Rueben-- no stop sign, BS spouse here. Your husband's letter brought tears to my eyes. He is clearly in pain, and it appears that he has been since the '70s. I don't mean to be harsh, but it is possible that he will not allow you back into his life. I suggest that you use this time to work on you. Figure out why you made bad choices over and over again.

Your only chance with your betrayed husband is to fix you, and then, Maybe he will reconsider.

Good luck, Rueben. You have a difficult path ahead. I hope you are able to follow it, and find true happiness, with or without your BH.

It is a sad letter, but an honest and well written one. It sounds like he gave you many chances. This may sound harsh, and I don't intend it to be, but how much more did/do you expect him to take? I know you may tell yourself its different this time, but what has changed this time that didn't last time? At some point you have to do what's best and prevent him from further pain. It sounds to me that although he is pain, he is very clear headed, focused, and holds no ill will toward you but simply wants to move on. I'm sorry but I personally recommend you allow him space and let him go.

Reuben,

I apologize for what is going to seem like a 2x4 that is coming your way. I am a WW and believe me when I tell you that I understand wanting to save the M (or get the M back) at all costs. I can tell from your tone that you are hurting and wish that things could be different for your marriage. But the truth here, is that you can't save this anymore. You can only save you.

Having said that...

I am not looking for advice to move on with my life without him, that is not what I want, nor will I settle living my life without him.

To me, this smacks of entitled-ness and is exactly why your marriage failed and why you will be unable to repair the damage you have done to your BH. You didn't give him a choice while you were in your affairs. You took choice away from him. You were selfish and self-serving and thought nothing of him or how it would affect him. I know because I did that, too.

Now you are doing the exact same thing.

nor will I settle living my life without him

Are you serious? HE gets to choose this. The consequences of your continued lying and affairs is that he CHOSE to divorce you and live without you in his life. He has taken back the power that you stole from him throughout your entire marriage. That is his choice.

You have a choice, too. You can badger him and annoy the ever loving shit out of him with your continued selfishness, or you can love him hard enough, selfLESSly enough, to let him go. You don't get to choose his actions or his outcome here. He does. He gets to choose what happens to his life and whether or not you will or will not be a part of it.

A relationship is a partnership. It takes 2 to make one function normally and healthily. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore right now, reuben. Not even a little. Does that mean that his feelings will never change? No, of course it doesn't. He might very well wake up tomorrow and decide that starting over with a clean slate is exactly what he wants to do. But that will be his choice, too. However, since he is mentioning that you are wanting to lay ANY blame at the feet of a difficult 2-year period in your marriage, (career change), then, again, it is obvious to me that you are blaming ANY part of your marriage on YOUR choice to have affairs. That demonstrates a continued level of selfishness that he sounds like he is not willing to swallow...

If I were you, I would send him a reply that resembles something like this:

Dear XH,

I will live the rest of my life remorseful for destroying you and our beautiful life together. I am selfish, I was a liar, and I have been unable to deal with my issues in a healthy way. My wish is that you will one day be able forgive me for taking you for granted all of those years. I hope that you will forgive me for the lies, for my selfish actions. You were a wonderful husband- no one could have asked for a better husband. And you are an amazing father. Thank you for showing me what true devotion is. Thank you for showing me what true love and faithfulness looks like.

While my greatest wish is that one day you will be able to entertain the idea of a new relationship with a new, healthy me, I will do something that I have not done in the past. I will take a step back and begin doing the hard work making myself better- making myself a person that is worthy of you, even if the end result is that we are not together. I understand that the consequences of my actions may be that I have to let you go and live a life without you. I love you enough to let you choose your own path.

Reuben

He sounds healthy, reuben. He sounds like he anything but bitter. He sounds like a good man. Start working on yourself and leave him to live and truly, become a person that is worthy of that man- be the best possible person, mother, that you can be.

I am sorry you are hurting (((reuben)))

BH here.

Every marriage has difficulties, and it is quite common, especially for men, to hang on through them because of commitment. Some days it is commitment to our spouse, some days commitment to our marriage, and other times we just want to be committed. I see some veiled hints in his letter that he is focused on those times in your marriage, and the A has given him a release from his comitment. Whether that was the truth of your marriage or not, that is most likely the truth of his perception right now.

Since none of us know the whole reality of your situation, anything we tell you to write would be a lie, since it is not coming from you in an authentic manner.

IF you really want to reply to this, but are afraid you will make it worse with a bad reply, why not try posting your thoughts for an honest reply here, and then using the feedback to improve. Think of SI more like editors than writers, and you can find your authentic voice. It may not win back your husband, but it will likely make him feel better to know that you value him enough to make the effort, and he may gain some new respect for you.

I obviously came across the wrong way with some of what I posted. When I stated “nor will I settle living my life without him” it was really not about me and my needs, though I need him and want him. I am just trying to find some way to get him to give the one last chance to love, cherish, and honor him as I should.

Was I selfish, self-centered? Of course. Did I feel entitled? I guess so. But all of that is gone, behind me forever. I don’t want to pester him and I am not saying I know what is best for him. All I am seeking is an opportunity and with my baggage I can certainly understand why anyone would say “No thanks”.

Yes, for nearly a year after Dday my mantra was how difficult my life was while he went back to school. I recited it chapter and verse to my counselors, pastor, etc. Toward the end, just before our divorce, I realized my husband (refuse to call him ex) was probably right. He often said we all have struggles and turmoil in our lives, we all are faced with temptations, but in the end none of us can justify our actions on these circumstances. In the end we must accept that we do wrong because we want to.

So I can sit here and come up with a million excuses but they would be just excuses. When all else is boiled away I must accept the fact that I cheated because I wanted to be involved with someone else. Every other reason is BS.

TryToForive… thanks for the sample letter. I will try to use parts of it, though I cannot bring up forgiveness. My husband has made it clear that that will never happen again. He says he forgave me three times before and he does not have any left.

Thanks to everyone for all you have provided.

You really have an uphill battle in front of you. I think at this point he is way past words or even actions by you. I think for a BH who had written this letter and felt this way, I would respond:

Mr. Reuben,

Thank you for your email. Everything that you said is correct. Every bit of it. I have much work to do to become a better person. I am sorry for all that I have put you through.

Signed,

Reuben

If I'm him, don't tell me what you're gonna do. Don't tell me how I should feel. Don't tell me that you deserve anything. You really have to start from scratch, IMO. That would be your only chance with me. Maybe over time he will see your efforts and you will have a chance to show him the changes you have made. Sounds like his mind is made up, but you can only try.

BS here- I like the shorter simple reply. Actions speak louder than words. Show him by your actions that respect his decision and be willing to accept any position in his life he might give you such as coparent or friend. Assist in bringing the family together for your kids' sake and his. Prove by your actions that you care most about his and your children's.( I am a child of divorce brought on repeated infidelity, so I can pretty safely tell you your kids are hurting.) All this

proving by your actions could take

months or even years. In the meantime, let your kids and XH see how you are focused on self improvement, too. I believe you can change, but it takes a long time to prove it by being consistent. Good luck.

[This message edited by momdaughterwife at 3:14 PM, December 3rd (Saturday)]

Here's my letter...

Dear XH,

You are right. My asking how you can walk away from our 40 years of life together is unfair. I knew the answer even as I wrote the words. I apologize.

I never realized how much you loved me to be able to take me back after I had cheated even before we were married. Love like that is rarely offered and I threw it away. I'm sorry.

My remorse and assurance back then was not adequate. I never worked to find out why I cheated on you. I never learned how to create and keep healthy boundaries when it came to my interactions with other men. Ultimately, I stepped right through those boundaries and made the decision to cheat, even knowing that if you ever found out, that would be the end of our M. I am so sorry that I ever deceived you in this way.

You are right about the decision and agreement we made with you going back to school. I am sorry for trying to use that as an excuse for why I cheated on you. Your sacrifice during this time in our marriage was more than any wife should expect, and I through it all away for my own selfish reasons.

I have never doubted your commitment to me and our marriage and family. I never honored or respected the commitment you made. I wish I had been able to appreciate what you gave me and the sacrifices you made for us throughout our entire relationship. I am sorry.

Now we are divorced. You are finally free from my unfaithfulness and in a place where you can hopefully begin to heal yourself. I regret every decision I've made which has resulted in my never being able to share any closeness with you. I am sorry for all the lies. I'm sorry for all the pain and mistrust. You never deserved this and I know deep down that I am the one who destroyed you. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.

My greatest hope is that we can eventually develop some sort of relationship again as we both move forward and find healing for ourselves. I am going to begin working with my counselor to begin learning how to be the person I want to be - the person I should have been for you. I want to finally live an honest life with myself and those who are close to me. I know it seems to little to late, but I will love you always.

I am so sorry that I have done this to you and our family.

In Love,

Reuben

Was I selfish, self-centered? Of course. Did I feel entitled? I guess so. But all of that is gone, behind me forever.

Can I ask why you think/know this? What actions have you taken? Why, after what sounds like a lifetime of cheating, do you think it is all behind you?

You know, I actually think in general it is selfish of us, as WS, to ask our spouses to live the rest of their lives with us. Always with a 'mar' on the relationship, maybe always questioning our actions. I know I get flamed for this because we are told to accept that our BS are giving us this gift, but I still wonder if it is too much to ask for from the person I love and respect the most.

But you accepted that gift before you got married. Then you basically shit on it for 30 years. Your husband could have met someone else 30 years ago and never had to relive this pain. You took that option away from him and I just can't imagine what you can say now to get him back.

Work on yourself. A lot. It sounds like you are already divorced....let him move on and be strong and live his life. I know that is hard, I actually think that for many, divorce is harder than reconciling. Hugs to you as you begin to heal.

BaxtersBFF, thank you for the letter. You were able to put into words what I feel. I used most of what you wrote in my letter to my husband.

Helpmegetoverit, you are 100% correct. I took his gift of forgiveness and threw it away. How do I know it is different now? What have I done? I have been to counseling, a lot. I have torn my life and thought processes apart myself. What I uncovered what not very pretty, but for the first time in my entire life I have owned up to everything I have done and who I was. I do not expect anyone, including my husband, to believe anything I say, but through the way I live the rest of my life I hope everyone will see.

I will spend the remainder of my life as my husband’s wife, as a wife should be. Even if we never reunite, I will always be his wife in my heart.

I don't really have anything to add...just want you to know that you were heard...(reuben)))

reuben, you are welcome.

I will spend the remainder of my life as my husband’s wife, as a wife should be. Even if we never reunite, I will always be his wife in my heart.

How about if you spend the rest of your life as an authentic healthy "you"?

Reading this really hit home. Not sure I've read anything so powerful. There is a high price to pay for the need for a little excitement. I think I'm going to show my FWW this letter. There is a pattern here and over that 40 years a never ending need for more. For some the something on the side is a huge draw. I have a few reservations in the back of my mind. I know things are good now but what happens in a few years when we have a fight or things are a little boring? I wonder will I see the return of the woman who was so excited by what went on in the other life she sent other guys 100 text messages a day? I do believe it's possible for her to both love me and yet have the never ending need. The ex husband here probably realizes that but he can't accept it as I wouldn't either. It doesn't make a person a horrible person but no relationship can exist under these conditions. There are issues here that have to be worked out. Rueben, I suggest you go to counseling and explore your problems and why you feel so lacking. This is why you did what you did. Maybe if you can understand yourself and straighten things out you and your ex can work on a friendship and maybe more when the time is right. He has learned he can't trust you as you have shown him over and over again he can't. Try to first resolve your issues as a person and then go from there.

I am a BS, and I could have written this letter nearly word for word.

At this point, I have in one hand all of my ex's actions--actions that were extremely hurtful, deceptive and many made wholly knowing how very hurt I would be to find out.

On the other hand, I would have a fistful of promises--promises that I could not trust would be kept.

I'd go with what I know, and it sounds like this is where your ex husband is.

As a BS, getting to that point is excruciatingly painful. We give the fragile and delicate and costly gift of reconciliation to see it trampled and abused. Our hearts bleed, our minds race, and the one person who can give us the balm to soothe that does not. Instead, that person wounds further. And further still.

At some point, self-preservation kicks in. We realize that to love and trust this person only brings us pain. Excruciating, agonizing pain. The pain becomes more powerful than the love.

The love begins to die, hastened by the re-writing of marital history and the WS's blame of the BS for long-ago "transgressions."

We leave the relationship to preserve what is left of us. We're tattered and torn and aching and sore. We cannot continue. We realize we do not want to continue. Continuing in the relationship means more pain that we just do not have the strength to tolerate.

So in our recovery, the WS comes back. They see us perking up, taking an interest in life again. Healing. Growing. Once again, as we were before, we are desireable to them.

When we needed your words of comfort to heal and grow WITH you, they were given to us as lies or not given at all. We had to make do on our own. One agonizing step at a time.

Reuben, the affairs, continuing trickle truth, lying, and re-writing marital history has killed the love and commitment that was there. Your best bet is to go and work on you. Work on understanding what within you made these choices attractive. Why you knew these things would be hurtful to him, but you did them anyway. Answer the questions within yourself, fix the holes in your soul that allowed you to stuff these ugly actions inside of you without a second thought.

Perhaps you can forge a friendship at some later date. Perhaps not ever. Unfortunately, that is the consequence you chose when you chose the action, unintended or not.

I know if my ex came back and wanted me back in his life, I would say no. My progress to date is too hard fought, my growth was paid for in oceans of tears. I cannot go back.

Cat

I told my FWW of this story and will let her read this letter. If the underlying issues in her personality aren't resolved I may be in for a future like this. I do believe it is possible for a person to love someone yet have a problem with being faithful. It has much to do with the WS not feeling whole and insecure due to things that happened in their childhood. It's too bad here that more wasn't done to get to the underlying issues early rather than just forgive, accept and move on. If the underlying issues aren't resolved this is what the future will look like for many of us BS's. It almost lies along the lines of an obsessive compulsive dissorder for never ending attention. This whole story should be very useful to me and my FWW.

There are no saints in this world, but if 2/3rds of what your husband wrote is true, he's a good man. I don't blame you for trying to keep him.

You sound like you are in pain, and are definitely remorseful.The problem with remorse is it's a double edged sword. We BS's want to be loved and cherished when we are WITH you, not just because we are leaving you.

This one is a tough call. Half of me wants to be supportive of you, and the other half wants to buy your husband a beer, congratulate him on his intestinal fortitude, and wish him all the best in his next life.

Last night I was speaking with my sister about my situation. She was telling me, in her own way, that I needed to begin to think about my life without my husband. Then she said “What are you going to do when you run into him at some social event and he is with someone else?”

In that very instant I pictured my husband with another woman on his arm. Nothing else, just her on his arm. My breath became short, my heart skipped a few beats, and I felt such intense pain, sorry, and loss. All over what might happen.

It was at that moment that I had just a sliver of a glimpse into what he must have felt and perhaps still feels. Until that moment I had thought I could understand his feelings, but I was wrong.

I am so sorry. I would give anything to right my wrongs.