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One night last week I had one of those bad nights. It was anger that was spewing out of me. And it was directed towards my husband.

I started asking him more questions about the A. Then I just blasted him. I am sure I called him some bad words. I threw my glasses off across the room. I was screaming and I said that I wished I could punch him. He told me to, so I punched him a few times in the shoulder.

This came up in MC today. I felt bad. MC talked about how anger is toxic and can lead to resentment and put us back in the same pattern we were in before. I understand what he was saying. He was trying to say that I should work through the feelings and then figure out what it is I want.

But at that moment, I just wanted to let him know how angry and hurt I was. I really don't think that is so unreasonable (aside from the hitting part, but I am pretty scrawny). I can't imagine that it is that uncommon for anger to come out that intensely. It doesn't happen often. But if it remained inside of me then it would be toxic for me.

I started to feel like I was being rushed through the healing process. I realize that my H has feelings too, but I suffered a lot for a long time. Was I trying to punish him? I don't think so. I think it was pure, raw rage.

Am I alone on this one?

Oh no...you are definitely not alone. I try to suppress it because there is always a child around and most of the time I know it's not going to do me any good to scream and throw crap, so I don't. Then it just builds up and builds up. Sorry I don't have an answer with how to handle it. I'm not that far out and will start IC soon. But I too would like to punch WH in the face. I just want him to know how bad I hurt physically and emotionally. And unfortunately he'll never know.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 9:57 PM, March 5th (Monday)]

Nope. Not alone at all!

I've hit fWH too. Got a few good punches in. Do I feel bad? Eh, I guess a little. I understand that physical violence is never the answer. However, it's not as if EVERY time I'm mad I'm choosing to use H as a punching bag. There is sooo much rage inside of me sometimes, I worry that if I don't lash out at him, I'll end things right then and there.

He has to feel it as well. I'll be damned if I go through any part of healing alone. This is OUR journey, not mine alone.

It just sucks. Almost every step of this suckssssss.

But we're doing it. 1 step at a time.

Oh, so glad I am not alone. I thought everyone was going to say I was horrible. I do agree violence is never the answer. But man, I needed to get that out. Luckily our daughter was in bed. We try not to fight in front of her. And I would certainly NEVER hit anyone in front of her. That's the first time I ever hit anyone.

Who else would I take it out on? Noone else did this to me but him. About 4 weeks after we moved and had only been to 2 MC sessions at the point, I just opened up on him. I verbally vomited all over him and then slapped him right across the face. I hit him so hard I am surprised his head stayed on his shoulders. To his credit he stood there and took everything I had to say and the slap too.

You are definitely not alone! In the 7 months since d-day I have yelled, called names, thrown things, punched a hole in the wall, hit H, thrown things into the street, lit bedsheets on fire. Not particularly proud of some of those things, but this anger just can't, can't stay inside of me or it will kill me!!

But if it remained inside of me then it would be toxic for me.

Yup!!

As time has gone on, it has lessened in frequency and intensity. IC has helped, I am learning to meditate to also help with this because I do recognize that physical and destructive violence is never the answer. But I also believe that my H had to witness this anger to really try to see what he has done to me.

I don't believe the anger itself is wrong, but the way in which we show it/say it.

Anger is toxic to the relationship. So is infidelity...

Take you time. We all do it, and the true remorseful spouses accept it with love.

.." It was the first time I ever hit anyone."

..how do you feel about it now?

..what will you do if the anger returns?

..have you talked to WH about the punching episode?

..would he be willing to let it happen again?

..i guess i'm seeing that old double standard!!

..hope you can find peace and love in your relationship again.

smy

I've never hit my spouse.

A couple times I've had the verbal vomit. That's not quite as scary to him or me as when I completely go numb, feel void and detach. That really throws him and scares him beyond belief.

I don't mean it, its not on purpose. But in general my anger if its loud, he doesn't worry as much as when I'm silent.

Not alone for sure. I just did some verbal vomiting via text today in fact

But you know what? I was upset, it was stuff XH needed to hear, and I can't let myself wear a hair shirt over bad days. My IC said she thinks I'm so much better because, even though she can hear the anger on my voice sometimes, its REAL anger. Not resentment, or spite, or meanness, just the pure anger anyone would feel after what I've been through.

Good for your H for being big enough to take it. My XH texted me goodnight not too long ago. Its those kind of "deposits" that will move us away from the anger eventually. Hang in there!

Yes I do let the anger flow. No more stuffing. Personally, if he ever said hit him, I don't think I could stop. And no...I don't believe in physical violence......usually.

[This message edited by Fathful123 at 11:22 PM, March 5th (Monday)]

oh boy - yes I did, when I first found out I hit him with his cell phone in my hand. Then I threatened divorce as he tried to grab it from me.

He brings this up a lot - that I hit him.. I'm 120 lbs and he's 200. I think it's a cop out. AND, I've never hit anyone before and it just happened. Not proud of it but...

He's also taken his anger out on me as we are mad hatters. I had to listen to him this weekend for hours to the point I felt it was abusive and I said I was packing my bags.

How much do we put up with?

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:28 AM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

Yes, I have done this w/my last big trigger. (I have 2 types of triggers:angry and sad)

OW contacted SAH for his birthday and I flipped- and I do mean flipped out bigtime. He even told me the truth how she contacted him. I tried to maintain control, but I cannot even remember what I said to him; but I know it was ugly and involved lots of cussing.

After the dust settled, I realized that this fishing attempt represented how SAH put all OW above me in our M. At 4 mos. out, raw still,I took it out on him. I have told him this and am looking forward to the day I am able to better control this type of anger.

Just wanted to let you know I can relate. hugs-ccg

I don't like that it's ok for woman to hit a man because she is smaller or weaker. It doesn't make him manly for standing and taking being physically hit by anyone. You don't think hitting a man because he's bigger than you doesn't hurt? If a man raises his hand to a woman in anger, just a smack, a backhand, a shove, all pretty much on the same level as a woman hitting a man, there would be cries of abuse and horror at his actions. "It's not the same.." I think that's justification to do what you want.

I get this is an isolated incidence. I am just stunned by the double standard.

Interestingly enough, my MC told me to tell him when I am angry and to give my WH the opportunity to help me.

Essentially, her reasoning is the foundation of M is built on communicating (I know we hear this often here and i see this more and more as the truth)

IMHO, you have to "share" your anger... open up about the issues and not allow them to stew...

I would just add that throwing things and hitting will NOT achieve the results you need. This is where I agree with your MC.

If your WS is truly remorseful, then telling him you need to tell him something and to understand you are angry is a good starting point...

Tell him why you are angry, what is upsetting you and how you feel. Of course you will be angry throughout the process of R as a result of A... makes sense to me!

Just be careful not to get to a boiling point...

(((HUGS)))

[This message edited by brokenandfedup at 9:51 AM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

I agree that you need to get the anger out. I just wonder if what you describe is healthy for either of you. Did the MC make any suggestions of other ways to work on the anger?

Violence is NEVER the answer. During this process I slapped my H once. It's a long story but I misunderstood what he said and I slapped him. To this day I regret that. He says not to worry even though I have a good right it was just a slap and he deserved it. I'm left feeling guilty now as time as gone on.

I agree that you cant let the anger stew as it does truly destroy the soul. You have to find another outlet to release your anger though you cant go around hitting on your H to release it. SMY is right that is truly a double standard. What would be said if you were the WW and your BH was using you as a punching bag?

My grandma used to always say that every woman needed a screaming tree. Of course she lived in the country so nobody saw her screaming at the tree Find another way.

I used to power walk around the neighborhood spewing all my vemon out. I'm sure I looked like a crazy lady however it did calm me down and release that anger.

Find something that works for you.

I don't think there is a darn thing wrong with verbal vomiting as long as you are talking/yelling/screaming about you and your feelings and the WS's behaviors have affected you.

I believe it crosses the line if you become cruel, demeaning or insulting on a consistent basis. If the intent is just to make WS feel like 'small' and is not just an expression of your feelings, then it is very unproductive and damaging.

Notice that I used the word 'consistent'. I am sure that all of us have said some incredibly hurtful things to our WS's in the heat of the moment. Especially when the WS is using what I call 'alien-speak' (when it is obvious that they just.don't.get.it)But as long as it is the 'exception' and not the 'rule', it is okay, KWIM?

One thing to keep in mind before the verbal vomiting--if your WS is not completely remorseful then anything and everything you say will absolutely be used against you. Every word you say will be twisted and used as a way to make YOU the bad guy. Then the WS will take the ugliness you just spewed to all of their family and friends to PROVE that you are bitter and abusive. (I have just described my WS).

I think that a truly remorseful WS will take it. And 'hear' past the words and see your pain. And remember the person that YOU used to be. The person that didn't yell and scream and throw things under ordinary circumstances.

It seems to me that if your anger is received by a WS in a remorseful way, the incidences of the 'rage episodes' will lessen over time. Because you feel like he "gets it".

I don't think you were out of line at all (as long as what you described is more of an isolated incident, anyway).

eta: If you feel like hitting something--punch a pillow, not a person. Just sayin'.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:54 AM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

..so... it's OK to punch your spouse, as long as it is only once in a while????

..smy ??????????

I think when your spouse has denied an affair and when you have proof and you confront him he deserves a slap.

But that's just me.