SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has taken some time, but I am starting to be able to internalize the real, the important truths.

- My pain and my guilt are inconsequential and not worth mentioning, what counts are the hurts of my husband and children. I inflicted these hurts upon them.

- My husband does hurt and I know it. He was strong and roughened from hard work and childhood poverty, but his experiences had taught him to be kind and gentle. He always sought out the better nature he believed to be in all people, even those who had taken advantage of him. He never bore a grudge. I saw what happened to him after he discovered my betrayal. He became bitter, strident, jaundiced, a different person than anyone had known. I know that he now puts on the best face he can for the children, but even they can see his unhappiness, they talk of it when he is not around to hear. I did this to him, I injured him and turned his grace to misery. I wrecked our childrens' happy home and replaced it with insecurity.

I often think now of what I would do differently had I only the chance to, and of course what comes to mind is that I would have disclosed all after being caught, every man, every incident. But just today I thought, it goes farther back than that, I should have told him before we married what I was, and let him decide if I were redeemable or not. Of course he did not think that I was a virgin when I met him, but he never knew how deeply soiled and compromised I was, he never had a chance to decide knowingly.

It is very painful knowing that what I have broken, I will never be able to even start to repair. I hope that someday, I will have the opportunity to brighten their lives, even if just for an hour or a minute. I know that in the end, this is probably only vain posturing, but it is all that comes to me now.

I don't think a lot of us knew what we were or what were capable of doing prior to our M's. I never in a gazillion years thought I could or would do what I did. Anyone else here do the same raise your hand....

If anything, I thought of myself as his "rescuer".

However, I also had no clue I was capable of so much CHANGE and I never knew the joy of feeling authentic.

Anyone that isn't in a coma is capable of anything, it's the CHOICE.

"You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be."

~Chuck Palahniuk

"I will never be able to even start to repair"

Keep telling yourself that and that's all you will do.

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” ~Chuck Palahniuk

"Only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit."

~Chuck Palahniuk

eta: sorry I inundated you with all the Chuck P quotes, just in one of those moods...

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 2:49 PM, March 15th (Thursday)]

Promiscuity does not mean you are faulty if that is what you are getting at by saying "deeply soiled and compromised?

I don't think a lot of us knew what we were or what were capable of doing prior to our M's.

I did know what I was capable of, and I did not tell him.

And I may now change, but to what end?

I hear that I need to work on myself, it is always about working on myself. If I succeed, if I learn to be always truthful, then things will go well for me, I will not repeat my history, I will have a chance and may forgive myself.

But what about my husband? I read what the long-term repeatedly betrayed have to say, their petitions of loss, doubt in their own self-worth, their despair. I think of my husband tormenting himself with such in the middle of the night and it kills me, I want to die.

I will not be able to feel joy in my life until he once more can have it in his. Can he find his way there on his own? I have never truly prayed in my life, but now I pray for him and his finding a return to happiness.

I wish I could see life and the future in a better light for me, but at the moment, I just cannot.

I have never truly prayed in my life, but now I pray for him and his finding a return to happiness.

He will. Based on your description of him, he will be fine. He will have to overcome some things, but one way or another he will find happiness again. It doesn't happen quickly for anyone. While the reasons he has to heal are yours to own. He will have to heal and find his happiness. I think others are saying that if you want a chance to be a part of that future, you need to work on yourself. Don't make your happiness dependent on another, ever. Define and aspire to make yourself happy.

Even if he goes through the D process, anything is possible. If you one day are given that chance, do you want to be as you are now or do you want to show him why he can be safe with you ? If it is the later, the answers to getting there are all with you and only you. If you are unsure to start, try looking up a IC in your area. Make an appointment. That can be the start and show your H you are serious about changing.

Words will not mean anything to him at this time. Actions, like going to see an IC are 100% clear message you desire to change. Call and make an appointment today. What do you have to lose ?

I know he will be fine. I just have bad spells where I imagine the worst. I think this is like being on the vaunted roller-coaster, but alone. A very absurd thought comes to me now, that I wish we were together for this experience.

I am still looking inside myself, trying to find out what remorse is, and if I truly feel it.

There are those who are certain that I am a sex addict. Sex, and plenty of attention, would be easy to get now, if that were all I wanted. I do have intense physical desires now that leave me exhausted and sad, but it is all about my husband, I don't want any other man.

I know that no matter how much I may change, I can't get him back. He deserves and will find something lovely and pure, and I can never be that. But I do know that I can become clean, even if I can never be perfect. The only thing I can do is strive for that bit-by-bit. I must learn patience.

[This message edited by threw it away at 1:40 PM, March 17th (Saturday)]

Answering from the other thread: "Remorse"

It's fine, I will continue in the thread I've already started.

"What I have been saying is that its a bog you cannot stay stuck in."

"It's the beginning."

I don't know what it was like for you. Where I am now, feels like forever. There are moments when I am not crushed, where I think I can take one step, perhaps two. But those moments are very brief and far-between. Everything else is hurt.

However hard the next steps are, actually accepting the loss is going to be the hardest thing of all, I think

The place to start would be going to a psychiatrist for your children's sake. If you can't do it for yourself, fine, do it for them. Now. ASAP. Do not wait another day. Your children need you to be healthy so you do it for them.

Have you made an appointment? Started IC yet? Are you in treatment yet?

How exactly are you "becoming clean"?

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 8:18 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]

I've made appointments. Another absurd thing comes to mind... I almost feel guilty now, because my husband was always such a skeptic whenever it came to anything having to do with psychotherapy. He would grumble that the doctors usually had more problems than their patients.

I don't know if I am becoming clean, or just avoiding more dirt. But I won't repeat my old behaviors, even though there would be no repercussions, not any more. I will not debase myself or my sexuality that way again, I've promised this to myself.

One of my past affair partners has written me, saying that he has heard that I am now separated from my husband.

He writes that he has still not gotten over me, ever since I broke off our affair four years ago. He says that he has changed and grown, and begs for another chance.

I want to write him back and tell him that I only used him, and I should not have wronged him, but I cannot and will never love him; he must get past it, he must come to realize that I am not the woman he has made me in his thoughts.

At the same time, I feel that corresponding with any of these men would be disloyal to my husband, even though we are no longer together. But it seems so cruel not to answer at all. I really do feel that I wronged my affair partners, even though they knew that I was married. I let them persist in their illusions, even though I knew that it was inevitable that I would become bored and discard them.

I wonder if this is simply part of what I am going through, a need to question myself endlessly, trying to figure out what truly represents doing the right thing.

Hun, your trying to focus on the ping pongs bouncing around the room while the wrecking ball is flying your way.

Don't reply to the OM. Don't feel bad just let that die. You've got waaaaayyy too much on your plate right now and you're barely getting through each day. You gotta work on yourself and your health and you can't do that with getting letters from OM and then worrying about him and his feelings. The AP is over, gone. Leave it. He's a grown-up, he needs to handle his own feelings. btw, how in the hell after 4 yrs did this guy find out about the recent split between you and your H?

And even though you and your H are no longer together replying to the AP after 4yrs will bring feelings back and the communication won't stop and it will escalate or you'll end up being in the A all over again in your mind. No Contact means No Contact. Period. My suggestion is either throw away the letter or mark it as Return To Sender. Don't open and read anything else he sends. It won't help ANYTHING.

What's your relationship with your H like now? Are you guys talking? Still in the same house??

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 1:41 AM, March 25th (Sunday)]

I don't know how this man heard about my situation regarding my marriage. It really has been four years, perhaps more. His carrying a torch for me all this time makes me feel villainous -- he has obviously never understood what I really am. But I probably played my part in this by telling him that I was ending the affair in order to save my marriage, when the truth was that his luster had worn off, and I had found a new affair partner.

I am not worried about starting up with him again. He lives far away and if I wanted another affair, I would look for it here. But I've decided not to answer, it may be more hurtful to him in the moment but my replying would only give him false hope, no matter what I said. It truly wouldn't help anything, you're right.

What's your relationship with your H like now? Are you guys talking? Still in the same house??

We haven't seen each other or spoken since December. We were corresponding after that, and things were going well, but then d-day #2 fell. It was then over. I still have some contact with his parents, and the children will call me, but I don't hear from my husband any more. It is very hard. I know that every day, he forgets me a bit more.

[This message edited by threw it away at 3:16 AM, March 25th (Sunday)]

Hi,

BH here. Reading your post makes me sigh with sadness ( thinking of my own WW and her repeated betrayal).

None of us signed up for our lives to turn out like this... but it does ... and I guess the best thing to do is to take it as if this was mean to be....

I wish you peace... I know that your BH will find peace...

None of us signed up for our lives to turn out like this... but it does ... and I guess the best thing to do is to take it as if this was mean to be....

It was not meant to be. If we are all really supposed to get a chance at love, I chose to take what was truly meant to be and destroy it. Not only for myself, but also for another who had no choice in the matter.

With me, it is all about choices. There are other ways in which I could have chosen to be selfish within my marriage. I did not choose those paths. But I was so wilfully blind when it came to my affairs. I won't trivialize that by calling it simple destiny.

From what I understand from your posts, I think the only reason you pine for your husband now is because you don't/cannot have him. I think this happens a lot in relationships. The one that is dumped cannot bear the rejection and will try to get back with their SO somehow. Think about your motivation to get back.

Look at the pattern. Once you had your husband(married), you started pursuing the OM. Once the OM gets infatuated with you, you lose interest in him. I think you were collecting trophies of some sort(the need to be their heroin, like you said). Once they are in the bag, you lose your interest in them. I might be wrong but maybe this is something you might want to look into.

And one more question about your affairs. You said the OM was from 4 years back. How many years into the 8 year marriage did you start these affairs? Maybe it will tell you if are up for Long Term relationships in the first place.

Good luck

[This message edited by pichaku at 8:02 AM, March 26th (Monday)]

I never lost interest in my husband. I know this for certain. That fact gives me hope.

I have come to understand how vulnerable, how exploitable I was. At the time I married him, I had started to keep very bad company. He came into my life at a very crucial time. Without him, I would have fallen into prostitution or worse. Without him, I might not be alive today. As badly as I treated him, he was always my lifeline.

Maybe it will tell you if are up for Long Term relationships in the first place.

I can hope that I am. I want to be.

Wow. Every time I read your post..I sense a coldness and detachment.

Do you have empathy for others or are you mostly concerned only with yourself?

I'm sincerely asking.

You aren't wrong. It takes an act of detachment in order to be able to write anything at all. Even after three months, if it were not for detachment, I would still but weep. Detachment may not be good in the long run, but at the moment, it is only when I can look dispassionately at myself that I can actually take action and not collapse. It is a terrible effort.

If I could truly empathize, would I have done this? Sometimes I think that I am a hopeless case, a narcissist or psychotic. But I still feel sorrow. And I know that what I feel for my husband and my children is love, there is no other word for it.

I never lost interest in my husband. I know this for certain. That fact gives me hope.

Was it because he was never utterly infatuated with you? You were never his heroin. You knew that he would be fine with or without you.

Do(Did) you have self esteem problems?

[This message edited by pichaku at 10:54 PM, March 26th (Monday)]

I wish I really knew the answers to those questions.

If I did, I would probably be in a much better place than I am now.

[This message edited by threw it away at 12:33 AM, March 27th (Tuesday)]

I feel sorry for your husband and children. You're still talking of OM as if you owe him something. In your head, you've not reached NC yet.

Besides that point, the "woe is me" thinking is not helping as far as I can see. Can't you tell that your BH is severely hurting for years of deception and lies? The As were bad enough, it's worse that the deception carried on for so long.

I can see you are reaching contrition, but spare a thought for the lives that have/are being ruined through the fall out. I know as WS I felt I could "get away with it" without sparing a thought for what I was actively taking away from my W AND my children. It's a moot point that they find out or not, or that they suffer from the fallout. Fact is, it's already broken when we, in our minds, justify the behaviours that lead to the As. The suggestion to get to a psych is very valid and necessary IMHO. I'd also suggest working on self esteem issues, not only in light of the past, but your current state of mind. It's no use lamenting how evil/broken/messed up you are, the question is what are you doing about it? Are you writing this stuff because it helps you feel better about yourself? That it makes you feel that you're being rightfully critical of yourself? THATs a given. Again, the question remains what concrete STEPS you are taking, starting to take and are willing to take to fix yourself. Even if without H, there's children involved and they deserve a chance at an authentic and unbroken mother.

Self defeatist attitudes of "I'll never be able to fix it" sounds like a panacea, a cop out, to get out of actually DOING the hard work RIGHT NOW. READ, listen, talk; books, IC, forums. You've started taking the right steps, don't allow yourself to now start wallowing in self pity and utter defeatism to excuse further behaviours which won't help you nor those who care about you, why would you want to carry on doing this to them? Remember, please, the word that's top most on your vocabulary right now should be AUTHENTIC.

It means you open up every part of you, good, bad, ugly. Unravel everything. It may take time and will take a lot of effort, but you have to get off the pity bandwagon and ACT. Your pain and guilt, for example, ARE important. You just need to know what you need to do with them constructively MOVING forward.

Listen to stay together and other vets here, they've walked in your shoes.

Sorry for the 2x4s but I hope it helps.

Wish you the best.