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Mistakenly tried this in general first and that was a mistake for many reasons. Reposting here in WS...I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to accomplish with this post. I guess b/c I am considering telling BH some hurtful things, and I worry how he will react, and the kids finding out about my A. I want to know from others: do your children know? To what extent? How did they find out? What was their reaction? Is it better to not tell them? Is it age-related? I feel like I NEVER want them to know, as we are in R, and from the outside all is right in their little world. They are 10 and 12 and the very reason I ended the A. When I told BH about the A, he was aggressive, raw, abusive, depressed, angry, and well, you all know the gamut of emotions and reactions. The kids saw some of this and as much as I begged him not to rage in front of the kids, sometimes he couldn't stop himself.It was brutal. I just thought to myself I deserved everything he threw at me (literally and figuratively) but they did not. I do not feel that they should pay the price for my infidelity. When it got too bad I would call my parents and ask them to come, b/c then he would stop. It angered me so much that he was so wrapped up in himself that he couldn't NOT do this in front of our kids. ALmost like he wanted them to hate me too. They were only 7 and 9 at the time, and so so scared. I don't want them or us to have to relive any of those moments, especially now that they are older, but on the other hand I feel that in order for R to progress I should be honest w/BH about some of my current, very bad thoughts. Please help me work through this as I am really really struggling and trying to do the "right" thing, but at who's expense?

SOme initial thoughts to clarify..BH was NEVER abusive or rageful EVER any other time in our marriage, nor did we really ever argue, nor in front of the kids. Keep in mind this was almost 3 years ago that this went down. Also, I am completely aware of the fact that if I didn't have the A, he would not have had reason to react that way. I get it, I own it. Make no mistake about that. I have done LOTs of things right since then, as has he, to right the wrongs from BEFORE the A, on his part, and before, during, and after the A on my part. I am now concerned of having another rage reaction on his part, if I am honest with him as so many suggest I be. I really really don't know the answer and am content to live with keeping it to myself, so as not to re-infect my children with my mistake. Further, I don't want them to think their father has done anything wrong but that's what they will see if he freaks out on me again. I WILL NOT be telling them about my A, UNLESS he starts freaking out, in which case I will need to tell them that mommy made a big mistake and daddy is very angry. Yes, maybe they have heard rumors in the past, but they act now as if everything is wonderful and grand. Both are doing well in school, social, talkative. I have seen definite changes for the better since how they were during the aftermath of the A. I really just don't want us to go back there, as a family, b/c of me. Once again, I would be causing turmoil. Does anyone get this?? Or is this still some convoluted fogginess??

What exactly do you mean by abusive?

What do you mean when you say you want to say hurtful things to your BH? What kind of things? Just to be hurtful or issues you would like addressed? You want to retaliate for his behavior in how he has reacted to your affairs? I'm trying to understand where you're coming from in wanting to say something hurtful to your BH but do not want him to react negatively in a way that you are exposed to the children. It's going to depend very much on what and how you say it.

To answer your questions, my kids don't know and never will. Each individual situation varies in whether to tell the kids or not, but both parents should be on the same page about it.

Panda, by abusive, like physically, verbally and emotionally..name calling, grabbing me by my neck and throwing me against things, spitting in my face, pulling me by my hair across the front yard towards OM's house, calling me whore, slut, etc. breaking many things in the house, throwing heavy objects things at me. Caspers, I don't WANT to, believe me, but I have been advised by some folks that I should, tell my BH about the thoughts I am having in my head aboutOM, and not being able to rid my mind of him. I think it will be hurtful to Bh b/c he thinks everything is wonderful and great, has said how he's seen so many positive and appropriate changes, How I have done what he's needed me to do to show my remorse. So I am worried that by being honest with him it will be hurtful. I'm afraid he will think I want to be with OM and I really really don't. I don't want to put anyone through that again b/c it's not worth it. But on the other hand I feel that if I tell my husband, he will do whatever needs to be done to get us out of this situation. I'm just worried of the repercussions fo doing all that, now that things are, seemingly, so calm and stable, for the kids as well.

Further, I know many will disagree, but telling my BH was the BIGGEST mistake (besides having the A of course) of my life. And I fear another telling, will be my complete undoing, regardless of the fact that I am not doing anything wrong. I am not talking to him or meeting with him or anything like that. It's all in my head.

I understand why you are fearful in sharing your obsessive thoughts about OM with your BH.

You put up with that behavior because you felt you deserved it, you really need to ask yourself why. Yes you cheated and hurt your husband, but the alarming instances of violence at the hands of your BH, you did not deserve that and nor do you allow your children to be witness to it.

But deep down, you know if and when you tell him, and his reaction is the same, so will yours? You'll accept abuse and your kids put in the middle of it.

I read your other thread about your obsessive thoughts about the OM. I think you are trying to garner support in not sharing these thoughts with your BH and using the children as a reason not to.

I don't advocate that you not tell your BH what's going on. But you need to get straight with yourself right now about what is and is not an acceptable reaction for both of you. And I sense this is where the true struggle is. You are keeping things in because it's easier to deal this way, he's oblivious, happy, "stable," just like when you were in the affair. You are keeping that same wayward mentality. What have you done to work on your own boundaries, changing thought processes, examining your self worth and self esteem? You have choices and you are making your own choices every day. You can only control you, not OM, not your BH, not your kids.

So if you tell BH and he becomes unstable, what will you do? You tell your BH and you work to communicate with each other effectively, what will you do?

Caspers, not USING my kids as an excuse, they truly are the reason I'm so afraid to talk to him about this. Clearly I think I should b/c it's the right thing to do, why else would I pose the question here in multiple places? I just need to keep reflecting I guess, keep pushing forward.

Further, I know many will disagree, but telling my BH was the BIGGEST mistake (besides having the A of course) of my life. And I fear another telling, will be my complete undoing, regardless of the fact that I am not doing anything wrong. I am not talking to him or meeting with him or anything like that. It's all in my head.

No..the biggest error was having the affair in the first place.

Your BH is wrong to abuse you in any form.

I have a question for you;

Were you aware of what your BH's reaction would be if he found out something like this from you?

In other words..you know him better than we do. While his reaction was chaotic and inexcusable, did you not know his demeanor before this?

Affairs can also change the most docile man or woman into a raging tornado.

The biggest bad choice (it wasn't a mistake) was the affair.

This isn't just your life you're messing with..it's your whole family and your BH deserves the truth at the least.

If you are not going to tell him that will be the burden and weight you place on the marriage.

If you do tell him..it needs to be in a controlled environment.

I do not condone how he reacted. The anger is understandable. The abuse is not.

Yes, I know that the A was the worst choice I made. I put that in parenthesis b/c I figured that would be stating the obvious, lol! No, I had no idea BH would react that way, as he has never EVER been a violent or rageful guy and rarely ever even raises his voice. The type of guy that it takes A LOT to get under his skin, and even then he can usually just talk things through. He's very analytical, which was a problem for me as he was figuring things out of course. But no, NEVER expected that reaction from him. Definitely the news of the A, and probably OM's behavior towards him during teh A, is what caused the raging tornado that came next.

After reading the responses in General and here, Id suggest either writing out everything in a letter to your BH or telling him in a safe environment and have a back-up place to stay till he cools off. You don't know how he's going to react while you tell him, true. But what I think A LOT of responders are missing is, how his reaction will be towards you once you get home and its just the two of you there with no one to intervene, KWIM?

I don't think you're being selfish either. I think you're scared and are trying to avoid another round with his anger and that is not being selfish! It's being cautious! I am really shocked at a lot of the replies you received. No one knows your home life but you and no one can live it but you.

Now I do agree that your pining for the AP is keeping you in the A mentally and that needs to stop. I think right now, the kids being told about everything needs to go on the backburner for now till the shit storm between you and your H calms to a lull and you BOTH can approach the kids like rational, sane adults. JMHO.

Stillloving him,you are absolutely correct. I am really scared and trying to not have that scenario happen all over again, esp considering I'm not doing anything physcially wrong. I don't feel like I am pining for OM though, that's the funny thing. I don't want to be with him. More like I can't stop thinking about the past and worrying about the future. Thank you for your thoughts and response.

More like I can't stop thinking about the past and worrying about the future.

Maybe I shouldn't be on this thread because I don't have kids, but can you explain the above quote further?

To me, the above quote sounds a lot like where I'm at (2+ years post D-day) but those thoughts aren't about the OM at all. About the affair, yes. About the affair itself, D-day, the aftereffects, the divorce, the intervening 2 years, plus worries about the future; mine take the form of: how far are we going to go? are we going to remarry? is anything ever going to be as good as it was? etc...and those obsessive thoughts of mine have increased what seems like tenfold as we've begun R. But I don't think it's detrimental information, and if those are the type of thoughts you're experiencing (not "about" the OM but as you said, worry about the past/future), surely there must be a way to phrase those thoughts constructively to your H without him feeling as though it's pining for the OM.