SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Rapport:

Start off the conversation casually.

Talk calmly and do not act accusatory.

Build rapport by talking about things that interest them, or things that mean a lot to them. Smiling also helps build rapport.

Rapport should be scattered throughout the interview, and must appear genuine.

PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR BODY LANGUAGE DURING THE RAPPORT STAGE (I will list the indicators below)

Questioning is a 4 step process:

1) Ask the question (we'll get more into types of questions shortly)

2) Receive the answer (DO NOT interrupt)

3) Evaluate for truth/consistency (will go further into this later)

4) Record for a permanent reference

Some good techniques for questioning are:

1) Make the questions simple and confined to one topic

2) Make them clear and easily understood

3) Use "soft" words (avoid frightening or super-realistic words at least in the beginning)

DO NOT:

-Ask leading questions (Did he initiate?)

-Ask negative questions (You didn't know his name, did you?)

-Ask compound questions (what day did you meet him, and when did you first kiss?)

-Ask too complex questions (with extensive vocabulary)

There are two types of questions you may want to ask:

-Open-ended (Who, what, where, when, why, how, or "tell me about...", "describe the time..." Open-ended questions are usually the best because they allow the interviewee to: freely talk, commit to a story, allow more complete responses, reflect their personality and mental state, allows them to show opinions, allows YOU to analyze what was said and what WASN'T said, and most importantly,they allow for the logical progression of the interview, and the continuity of specific questions.

Closed-ended questions:

-are specific

-are direct and detailed

-elicit short answers

-may inhibit rapport and the information you receive

(stay away from closed-ended Q's unless there is a specific need for one)

Proxemics

There are various "zones of comfort" in our culture. When you are interviewing your suspected wayward, stay in the intimate zone (0 to 1.5 ft away) and personal zone (1.5 to 4 ft)

Closeness expresses caring/concern

Listening

Be an active listener by:

-remaining neutral (open mind)

-looking interested (lean forward, appropriate eye contact

-Concentrate on the response via all modes of communication (ie verbal, non-verbal)

-Make sure to understand the response by: paraphrasing the response back, asking for feedback, putting feelings into words

Body Movement (Kinesics):

-emblems (gestures that take the place of verbal communication, such as waving the hand, middle finger, etc.

-illustrators (gestures that aid in communication such as pointing when giving directions)

-Regulators (specific body movements to look for, such as: shifts in posture (turns slightly away from you), nodding yes or shaking the head no. Keep an eye on movements that indicate they'd like to change the subject (uncomfortable)

-Affect displays (behaviors that indicate intensity of emotion)

-Adaptors (unconscious behaviors that we exhibit typically during times of stress) Such as: eye movements (oculesics). Watch for change in pupil size. San-paku phenomenon, which is aka the three whites. This is when you notice the whites in their eyes above their pupils. Pay attention to their gaze. Key in on the amount and the direction of gaze. Also notice their proximity to your person.

Any one of these indicators does not equal deception. Deception is usually present when you notice a "cluster" of these indicators. That's why paying attention to their body language and demeanor during the "rapport" stage is so important. You will be able to notice slight changes in behavior, such as: they slightly turn their body away from you, and look down at the floor. Or, their demeanor changes (from a good mood to being hostile). Another cluster could be them crossing their arms, and gazing at the ceiling.

(hint: liars WILL and CAN look you in the eye while deceiving you)

When you sense deception:

Now is the time for cross-examination. Some tips: avoid the third degree, don't be antagonistic, argumentative, belligerent or threatening.

-intensify questions on details in random order

Check for:

-attempts to evade the question or details thereof, vagueness, conflicts w/ other statements and/or evidence, inconsistencies within the statement, falshoods, missing information.

-Ask for explanations concerning inconsistencies with what others have said, your own discoveries, other evidence, etc. Start with minor inconsistencies first, then build toward the major ones. If you believe you are being lied to, ASK THE QUESTION AGAIN. If they are still deceiving you, then paraphrase their answer back to them and watch their behavior. Pay attention to a little detail they tell you (the car was white...or, it was on a Tuesday). Then later ask a question with a minute inconsistency regarding what they told you about the situation: so you said the car was black? It was on Monday?

PM me with any questions or for clarification purposes. Please don't ask me where I learned this!

Remember: you don't need to be in a small room, and you don't need a spotlight! (although that stuff helps!)

But what if you have a small room and a spotlight handy?

Crap, I wish I'd had this two years ago....

Great info DTOM.

May I also add that recording the 'interview' with a VAR is a great idea. We are usually so stressed, that sometimes we forget what they have actually said! Being able to go back and listen to the VAR was very helpful to me.

Please don't ask me where I learned this!

If I ask, will you only be able to tell me if it is followed by killing me??

Sorry, DTOM, but the exact science of the interrogation is kind of a 'give-away' for where you learned it. Well, I suppose there are a few options.

But thank you so much for sharing these techniques.

And it is good to see you still posting here. I still owe you guys some brownies.

Oh you're good

I played 'good cop' and 'bad cop'. My suspect's head was swimming

I shouldn't laugh -- that's terrible.

I played 'good cop' and 'bad cop'.

By yourself? No wonder your suspect's head was swimming. Sybil? Is that you?

lol it IS possible to play good cop/bad cop by yourself during one interview/interrogation.

Just act torn between "laying the hammer" and "letting it slide".

I've only presented about 15-20% of what I know/use regarding this topic. Maybe someday I will touch on more body language tricks. The san-paku phenomenom is actually really great. The Japanese Samurai used it. Do a search on it. Bill Clinton exhibited "san-paku" during his famous "i did not have...blablabla" speech.

The key here is to let your wayward answer your question fully. They may say something that you want to jump down their throat about right away. But DONT. Write it down and come back to it later during cross-exam. Let them talk and talk until they quit. You can even change your line of questioning based on info they give up during their 'answer'.

The problem with waywards...and liars in general...is that they have a hard time remembering what they lied about and the specifics of their lies. It's hard to live 2 compartmentalized lives. But when you, the BS, question the wayward about the A, you are creating a nexus between their two worlds. And they aren't used to this. They are used to them being "separate". They WILL feel vulnerable. Even if you want to choke them, remember: rapport.

Rapport can be very useful.

You're the only other person I've heard mention sanpaku. Is it okay if I squee? I want to squee. It's kind of exciting for an ex-linguistics and NLP geek to come across a conversation like this.

This may qualify me as a wholly horrible mother, but I look for eye tells with my kids all the time, and sanpaku is a big part of the bi-annual "Who used a Sharpie on the couch?" celebration.

So what does it indicate? Deception? And does it matter whether the whites are showing above the eyes, or under the eyes, or both?

I googled it, but I am confused.

I played 'good cop' and 'bad cop'. My suspect's head was swimming

Oh, I did too Dixie, and I was very very good at it!

This was how it went down...

I was good cop for a day or two, and then bad cop for a day or two, then I would rest. (much needed rest I might add, damn, it was exhausting)!

And then I would mix it up, and do it again. It took about 2 weeks to finally break him.

I must say, it was awful, and extremely stressful, but he finally confessed.

So what does it indicate? Deception? And does it matter whether the whites are showing above the eyes, or under the eyes, or both?

I googled it, but I am confused.

san-paku (the three whites) is indicative of deception. You will always see two whites (to the left of the pupil/cornea and to the right. But if you start to see the white of their eyes above or below their pupils, that is indicative of "internal fear". This has been used by the Japanese for thousands of years. If it is still around and being taught to interrogators, there must be something to it

And that is san-paku 101

This is awesome. Some of it I know and wish I could stay calm enough to deliver properly.

I have a question.... how do we go from talking about golf to talking about 'that whore you fucked'?

Also, do you write down your questions beforehand? Do you do this all at once or in parts?

And, what to do with what I call the non-answers such as "I dont know" "Dont remember" "There is no explanation" "I dont keep track of that info"?

(Getting mad at the bastard just thinking about this^^)

[This message edited by DrivingPast at 10:53 AM, July 16th (Monday)]

I have a question.... how do we go from talking about golf to talking about 'that whore you fucked'?

You don't focus on the transition. You focus on their behaviors while talking about mundane things. (rapport). And you ease into hard questions. I'm not sure of your situation, but if you a WS that has been caught, but still in the fog, then you start off with questions like: What day of the week did you meet? Listen to what he says. Then say: "on that *tuesday* where did you meet? Listen to their answer.... Then say "what did you do?" And now you have transitioned.

If it is a suspected WS that has not admitted, then it is harder. You start off with questioning them about little lies that don't relate to the A. You let them explain, and then you "cross-examine" with your evidence and PROVE to them that they lied and that they cannot hide it anymore. Then move onto more serious lies by saying.... "ok i know that you have had a problem with lying. And we all have faults like that. I am capable of forgiveness (lying is legal during an interrogation). Then start an open ended question... "so, could you tell me about Mary?.... or i have reason to believe that you are doing x with x.

You will not always get an admission. But pay attention to the body language and overall demeaner compared to their behaviors during your "rapport" stage.

If they flat out are denying, then cross-examine with your proof.

Also, do you write down your questions beforehand? Do you do this all at once or in parts?

Write down a brief outline. Study it. Don't bring it to the table. People are less apt to talk when they feel they may be "on the record". (but have a hidden var)

Know the LINE of questioning you are going to use. Know what the objective is...ie to sense deception in general...or to even get a confession.

Have rebuttals already lined up for the BS they will spew such as "I don't remember, I was foggy, blalalbla."

And, what to do with what I call the non-answers such as "I dont know" "Dont remember" "There is no explanation" "I dont keep track of that info"?

Tell them that you can help them remember with a timeline, phone records, etc. If they aren't willing, then push harder. Say "I KNOW that you are doing x." I can understand why.... I was a bad wife (more lying to accomplish your objective). Make them feel like it is OK or not as bad as it is. Build some more rapport by getting closer, talking sweetly.

If this still doesn't work: Pull out a piece of evidence regarding what you are asking about that he "doesn't remember". Then say...well do you remember now?

Hope that helps

bummmmmp up to the top.